Question: I’m married to a wonderful woman who can’t say no. She’s involved in many organizations in our community and has stepped up to help leaders when others have let them down. Even with all of her volunteering, my wife is still a wonderful wife and mother. I just have a hard time seeing her very stressed out when she’s trying to “cover all the bases.” 

I’ve talked to her about backing out of some of her volunteer commitments, and she admitted sometimes she’d like to not be so helpful, but doesn’t know what to say when help is really needed. Could you help us out (and perhaps others) by suggesting ways to not always “bear the burden” and how to say no? 

~ Concerned Husband

Dear Concerned Husband,

First, how blessed our community is to have someone like your wife who steps up and lends a hand when others are in need! One of the tenets and principles of all religions speak about being generous and helping our fellowman. 

In Religious Science, we believe we are all One and all connected. Helping others is another form of helping ourselves and what better way to extend kindness, compassion and support than by volunteering? Given that, it’s just as important to take care of oneself without feeling guilt or shame. Learning how to say “no” is just another way of saying “yes” to something else. In this situation, it’s saying yes to calm, clarity and serenity.

A suggestion for your wife, and anyone else who is ‘burdened’ with this same issue, is to decide up-front how many hours per week or per month that you want to volunteer. Decide which organizations and groups support your own values and causes and focus on those. We need to budget our time and energy as a valuable resource. If we give too much of it away, we run a deficit or become stressed. In this state we’re unable to truly give in a way that is supportive to the receiver or to ourselves. 

I learned a strategy years ago that has served me when I want to say “yes” but don’t have the time or bandwidth. It’s called ‘U.S.A.,” which is an acronym that works as follows when you decide to turn down a request: “I Understand you need volunteers for the holiday party. I’m already committed to another project and, as much as I’d like to help, I just don’t have the time this year. (Situation) I’d be happy to be on that committee next year and I appreciate you thinking of me.” U.S.A. is as simple as ABC!

The bottom line is we get to decide how we want to live our lives. The key is to live in alignment with our values and spiritual principles. And your wife may find she’s doing just that. 

So my next suggestion is to remind her to breathe! Get a massage! Take a break in nature! Stay in gratitude and thanksgiving!

In closing, Ernest Holmes, founder of Religious Science, said, “The Presence of Spirit within you blesses everyone you meet, tends to heal everything you touch, brings gladness into the life of everyone you contact. Therefore, you are a blessing to yourself, to mankind and to the day in which you live.”

Namaste!

Rev. Ellen Faith

revellenfaith@gmail.com

Dear Concerned Husband, 

It must be nice to have such a competent spouse! God gave you a partner in life who can do so many things. And not only that, she also has a helpful spirit! How refreshing in this me first world. You say you see her stressed out? You say sometimes she’d like to not be so helpful? You suggest she needs to learn some ways to say “no”? 

The truth is, she’s saying “no” already. She’s saying no to time alone with you. It’s great when she saves the day. But as a wonderful wife, she’s the gal you want to be with. Does she still want to be there for you? I think she does. Maybe you could remind her how much it means to you to spend time with her, just the two of you. 

Are there other things she’s saying no to? You would know this better than I. Does she have time for solitude? To contemplate? To meditate? For prayer? For the Bible? Things like spiritual health, and even physical health, are related to time alone with God. Does she have time for these or are these brushed aside in favor of the tyranny of the urgent? 

How is her sleep? I love that old song Bing Crosby sings in the movie “White Christmas:” “When I’m worried and I can’t sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep. And I fall asleep, counting my blessings.” 

I’ve tried to make those schmaltzy old lyrics by Irving Berlin some words to live by. I fall asleep thanking God for as many things as I can count. It’s a good spiritual health exercise but, more than that, I realize the reality of God at work in my life. He’s at work, even when I’m not. He doesn’t need me; I need him. To my amazement, God is able to accomplish all kinds of things without me. Does your wife believe this also? Husband, the good is always the enemy of the best. 

When was the last time your wife spent an uninterrupted hour with you? 

When was the last time your wife spent an uninterrupted hour with God? 

When was the last time your wife spent an uninterrupted hour with herself? 

You see? She knows how to say no. We say no by saying yes to other things. 

Rev. Jon Karn

pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org

Question:  Our son, who is 17, was into drugs for several months before we realized what was happening. He kept his grades up and never missed a day at his part-time job. We found out when sorting his clothes to be washed. There was a packet of pills in his jeans. Needless to say, we were stunned and extremely upset! 

When we asked him about the pills, he told us he just couldn’t get through the day without the pills he was taking and had been taking them for six months. Fortunately, his grandparents stepped in and offered to send him to a rehab center. He accepted and now his life is turned upside down. He was supposed to graduate in 2019 and dropped out of high school to go into rehab. The psychiatrist recommended a 12-week rehab period or even longer. Our question is, when he gets out, where do we go from there? We don’t want to constantly be watching him, but we think he needs to help us regain our trust in him again. Up until now, he has been a totally trustworthy kid. 

~ Devastated Parents

Dear Devastated Parents,

You have named a hard-to-face reality: trusting our kids can take a lifetime to build and mere moments to destroy. And yet, thoughtful gracious parents are willing to do the hard work of seeing that trust restored.

I see the work of restoration in relationships a lot like the work in restoring an old piece of furniture. We want it back the way it was: pure and unblemished. My dining room table took on character as it was used for dinners and craft projects and board games. And each blemish had a story to tell. When I restored it, I stripped off the errant lines that markers and glitter had made, the dings and scrapes of years of use. I noticed every flaw and imperfection.

To begin, I think you must make a similar commitment. Naming the flaws within our family dynamic can be hard to hold by ourselves. I would recommend navigating it with a professional counselor who can help you name them. But, as with all restoration projects, the hard work of noticing the scars also means that they can be healed. 

For a while, I considered just buying a new table. But I was reminded of all the memories that were made around it. The hard work of restoration is worth it because it pours new life into something that is precious to us. The Bible often frames judgment as a blessing, because it is the way that wrongs are made right. God sets the world right precisely because God loves it so. 

And coupled with promises of judgment are promises of forgiveness.

Both are needed for restoration. So we name our dents and scratches, both given and received; and then we forgive and receive forgiveness. What motivates both is a deep, loyal commitment to love. 

It’s been over five years since I refinished our table, and it has new marks of wear. All relationships do. It means that they brush up against life, the activity of people together in relationship. As long as you parent, you will have similar nicks in the relationship. Restoration is hard work; love makes the work worth doing.

Pastor Kyle Sears

kylesears@lacanadachurch.org

Dear Devastated Parents,

I know it is difficult to be unpleasantly surprised at a child’s actions. I am sorry you are going through this and thankful he has you and his grandparents.

As you might know, I am an ordained minister and psychotherapist in private practice. Before I studied psychology at Fuller Seminary I definitely would have responded to your inquiry differently. What I have learned in my training is that, as humans, actions are not always explained simply from a spiritual perspective. God created us as physical, emotional, mental and spiritual beings. Just as we might have physical ailments that require medication, so we might need help mentally or emotionally. I am speaking of mental health. We now know that one in four individuals have a diagnosable mental illness. It is not rare! Which is why mental health workers are doing so much to take the stigma away from mental illness. It is nothing to be ashamed of, but it does need to be treated.

In many cases, individuals have an emotional, mental or learning issue that requires a diagnosis and proper treatment. In my experience as a pastor and psychotherapist, many people self medicate mental or emotional ailments. This can be depression, anxiety, focus issues, learning disabilities, even grief, loneliness or heartache. A majority of people with any of these issues function quite well, so I am not surprised that your son functions well. However, over time, they learn that certain medications or habits help them function better. What I am saying is it’s not just an addiction someone gravitates toward because they are bored or want to make bad decisions. It’s most often that their body, mind or emotions are difficult to manage and certain things temporarily help them feel better.

Anytime I treat someone with addiction, there is a root cause that needs assistance. Much like diabetics might need insulin, many individuals with mental or emotional suffering require medication. An example is we often see teenagers who smoke, drink excessive caffeine or eat lots of sugar being diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Why do they practice these habits? Psychologists studying the brain have learned that these substances help people to focus. Likewise, alcohol helps anxiety, certain pills help depression, etc. The best treatment ends up being a correct diagnosis treated with the correct medication. Otherwise, people fall back into treating it on their own with drugs and or alcohol.

As far as follow up after rehab, there are programs and sponsors to assist individuals in staying sober. As your son is almost an adult, he will need this type of external support as well as an internal desire himself to stay sober.

No one can “make” another stop something once they are adults. People will find a way to do what they want. His best bet is going to a drug support group, such as Narcotics Anonymous, stay in touch with his sponsor, have him in therapy with a psychotherapist he relates with well, and having an accurate diagnosis. A diagnosis provides information so the correct medication can be prescribed. The right medication will actually extinguish his symptoms, not just mask them.

Often, regaining trust means you put a loved one into the hands of someone trained to support and treat them. This is not easy at first but it is freeing. I believe our faith can help us to let go inside and trust the process of professional help.

I wish you and him the best on this journey to healing.

Rev. Kimberlie Zakarian

kimberlie.zakarian@gmail.com