QUESTION: My husband and I have a small business that is doing very well. Our problem is an employee who is dependable and excellent at her work. She complains constantly about the smallest inconveniences and other things as well. We try very hard to handle her complaints. This has gone on for the six years she has worked for us. We welcome suggestions about what to say to her without losing her as an employee. ~ Weary Employers

Dear Weary Employers,

Habits can be hard to break, and that includes a habit of complaint. You build into your vision the capacity to see what is inconvenient, difficult or annoying and suddenly you see it everywhere you look. Sometimes this drives you to make the world around you better, and sometimes it drives the people around you crazy!

I think if you respond to the specific complaints you are only responding to the symptoms of a much larger condition. What needs to be addressed is the attitude in which the work is engaged. Have you shared a conversation that discusses your concern for your employee’s complaining rather than responding to her complaints?

One consideration as you approach this conversation: as I mentioned, sometimes this awareness of what’s wrong can drive people to productivity or even emotional awareness of others. How can your employee tap into this way of seeing the world that hones and strengthens her work and her relationships? Allow this part of her personality to become useful.

On the other hand, relentless negativity can be toxic for our souls. Part of your conversation can also include ways for your employee to catch herself looking at the world in this way. I have found that responding to the world around me with gratitude helps to keep grumbling away. And this is something that you can model as an employer – sharing a specific “thank you” to others creates a positive environment.

I would imagine after six years in a small business setting, this employee is a lot like family to you. Sometimes we have to tell our family members the truth for our mutual benefit. Gentle correction is necessary for relationships to flourish. 

My final word of advice is center your conversation on this mutual caring relationship. You want the best for your employee, and I assume she wants the best for you. Together you can speak truth in love for one another.

Pastor Kyle Sears

kylesears@lacanadachurch.org    

Dear Weary Employers,

I am not sure I would describe an employee as “excellent” if they have been complaining for six years! My first question is why have you allowed the constant complaints to continue for so long without talking to your employee? Her souring demeanor could have a big impact on your business as well. It’s important to get to the heart of the matter for the sake of everyone’s well-being and the continued success of the business!

Albert Einstein said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” A complaining attitude is a focus on what’s not working instead of what is; it’s a negative mindset that is very counter-productive. We have long heard that attitude is everything. Why? Because someone with a cheerful attitude infuses every action with a positive “can do” energy that most times produces a successful outcome. As fearful as you may be to lose your employee if you confront her, many times what we fear often attracts the very thing we’re afraid of!

In all cases, what we focus on expands – your employee’s complaint list has probably expanded since her hiring and your fear of losing a good employee has probably grown exponentially over the years. Instead of being held hostage by that fear use it as a guideline to be clear about areas that need improving.

First and foremost, if you really feel she is a valuable asset as an employee, it’s up to you to deal directly with your concerns in order to improve the work environment. You do that by sitting down together to discuss your concerns about her complaining attitude and to give her an opportunity to express her complaints. Listen! Let her know that she is heard! It will help you both if she understands that her input matters. Sometimes issues may come to light that we as managers are completely unaware of and those “in the trenches” have a better grasp of areas that need improving.

Once the issues are aired, set a new model for the expectations of the communication in the workplace. Let her know you value her as an employee and want to create an atmosphere that shifts the complaints into new ways of handling issues as they arise, but be clear that you find the constant complaining non-productive. Show her your willingness to make improvements as needed and encourage her to be willing to change how she communicates. Commit to having regular meetings to discuss ideas in order to prevent the emotional snowball effect that pent up grievances can create for the both of you.

I will pray for a successful outcome!

In Light,

Rev. Mary Morgan

mormari@aol.com

QUESTION: Is there ever an end to grief? My husband, who was the love of my life, passed away suddenly eight years ago from a massive heart attack. He was only 46. Our children were 14 and 11 at the time. I was telling a friend that I doubt I’ll ever get over his premature death. She chided me for going to the cemetery and decorating his grave on special occasions like his birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Memorial Day, etc. She said I’m just letting grief linger.

I feel in my heart I have to do this to honor him and sometimes my children join me. Am I really letting grief linger?

~ Grieving Widow

Dear Grieving Widow,

You ask, “Is there ever an end to grief?” It may be hard to hear, but my answer is no. There is no end to grief because there is no end to love. However, each of us can eventually transform our lives from the seemingly bottomless pit of suffering to a place of new understanding, compassion and even joy. Each of us has our own personal way of moving through grief. For your friend to tell you how long, or how short, your grief process should be is not only insensitive, but also incorrect. Grief comes upon us, either suddenly, as with your husband, or gradually, as with a long battle with cancer. Either way, when death comes, we are never truly prepared for it. The death of a spouse or loved one turns our lives upside down, challenges our beliefs about the nature of life, and leaves us with a sense of fear and loneliness. There is no way around it; we can only go through it. Having a loving and supportive group of family and friends can help us open our hearts again to love without fear of loss.

I invite you to ask yourself whether your grieving process is moving forward toward a better quality of life or do you feel trapped by your grief? Have you truly accepted what has happened, and are you creating new ways to find joy without your husband’s physical presence in your life? Do you believe that your husband now lives on beyond physical death? Have you joined a grief support group? Feeling connected to others who are in grief is powerfully healing.

In her book “Transitions,” author Julia Cameron gives us an inspiring affirmation that I encourage you to speak to yourself daily. “Today, I do not deny my feelings of loss. I allow myself to move through them to new growth.”

Continue to honor your husband by visiting his grave, by holding him in your heart with joy and love and also by being fully present for yourself and for all the people in your life now.

Rev. Karen Mitchell

karenmitchell12@gmail.com

Dear Grieving Widow,

In my line of work, I talk about this kind of thing all the time. It comes with the profession. But, in this case, I’d like to answer you not as a clergyman but as a fellow “griever,” a grieving son. In my case, it’s been 33 years. My dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack at age 57. I was there with him.

I’ve got to be honest with you. Your friend makes me really mad. We find friends like this in the book of Job. While you grieve, they make it worse! So not only do you feel the pain of loss, you are guilty as well. Well! Be done with the foolish counsel of those who haven’t walked in your shoes, of those quick to pass judgment on grief different from their own. You know what happened. You were there. You had to walk through it with your kids. The one with the Ph.D. in how this loss should feel and be remembered is you! 

“She said I’m just letting grief linger.”

That awful sentence just really jumps out at me. I’m trying to get past it. But I’m having trouble. There’s an old Swedish proverb that says, “A joy shared is twice a joy. A sorrow shared is half a sorrow.” And the holy apostle said it first and best when recorded in the book of Romans: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” In other words, could you find a thoughtful friend who has also had her heart broken, who might volunteer to go to the cemetery with you? And I wonder if it might bring some measure of healing to you if you could listen to some of her grief and walk through some of that bitter path together. You have lots of memories to share. Someone else does, too. Memories. Tears. Loss. Questions. Stories. Even laughs! All of this is part of grieving the loss of our loved one. And you know what? It lasts as long as it lasts!

You give no hint of your religious background. For myself, with a very religious childhood (my dad was a very kind Baptist preacher) the unshakeable Christian faith in the afterlife is a genuine comfort when the world suddenly falls apart. You may recall Jesus said to his followers: “I go to prepare a place for you.” This has been a great comfort to me for 33 years. I look forward to a glad reunion … but I still grieve. And just because I believe in God doesn’t mean I’m happy with all that he does. I hope you have the assurance of a reunion also.

In the meantime, there are different ways to grieve. It would be strange and unnatural to simply stop grieving. So, as you grieve your husband’s loss in the future, my prayer for you is that you grieve in peace.

Rev. Jon T. Karn

pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org