QUESTION: I have a friend who I’ve known for 20 years. She’s a constant complainer and seems to always have negative things to say about almost everything from the weather to politics and on and on. I try to put a positive spin on these conversations and now I’m getting weary of trying to get her to look on the bright side of life. It’s turned into a real effort but I don’t want to be unkind.

I’m thinking it’s time to give up the friendship and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. What do you think?

~ Stymied

Dear Stymied,

After 20 years, I would imagine you know your friend quite well. If she has been complaining for that long it is reasonable to conclude that she has made it a habit that is hard to break. Like other habitual vices, there can be physiological and psychological rewards for engaging in this behavior (and, often enough, a “crash” leading to feelings of guilt and shame). It can be a tough cycle to break.

Research has shown that something as simple as a daily list of gratitude can help. But with what may be a lifetime of practice in complaint she has a tough road ahead. My recommendation is to journey with her toward gratitude and happiness. The wise teacher Qoheleth said that “two are better than one … if they fall, one will lift another up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10). Consider inviting her to a “gratitude challenge” where both of you share a daily list of three to five specific things you are grateful for. Keep a journal and make it the beginning of your conversations. Perhaps invite others to join you in your experience (make it a summer experiment and see how it goes!).

I can tell you are torn between speaking the harsh truth to your friend while being kind and generous to her as well. Certainly there are reasons for friendships to end. But friendships can also be a place where we gain rich perspective on ourselves, even if it is challenging. If you have such a foundation, I would encourage you to speak with her honestly – out of your concern for her well-being and the well-being of your relationship. If rebuffed, you can go your separate ways; however, my experience has been that people appreciate you when you see them for who they are and remain committed to being with them. This sort of love and friendship can soften the most hardened hearts – so give it a chance!

Pastor Kyle Sears              

kylesears@lacanadachurch.org

Dear Stymied,

What I have learned about those who respond negatively to events is (most often) that behavior was modeled for them by their parents. Parents are a child’s first teacher and authority figure, not to be questioned. After listening to parents grumble and complain throughout childhood and teen years, and grumbling etched in one’s brain, it’s no wonder that attitude is carried on by the individual.

There is more to this than is apparent. A person who is a constant complainer is living a fear-based life, “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” How sad! You didn’t mention anything about faith – yours or your friend’s. Biblical Scripture refers to complaining as grumbling and warns us not to do that (Numbers 14:26–30; John 6:43; Philippians 2:14; James 5:9). We’re being told we lack faith and trust when we express ourselves in that manner. Faith and trust are virtues that are cultivated throughout a lifetime by our experiences, and we all have positive experiences whether or not we acknowledge them.

A friendship of 20 years is worth preserving; however, you have the option whether or not to carry on. Should you decide to maintain your friendship, there are several helpful actions you can take. Regardless of upbringing, everyone has memories they cherish. Guide your friend into conversation by reminding her of an experience you shared that was filled with fun and laughter. Laughter is good for the soul and that will help her perspective, at least for the time you’re together. I gather you have worked very hard at refusing to entertain her negative comments and, yes that can be tiresome. When she says something that makes you cringe, tell her outright that you choose to be happy and she, too, can choose to look on the bright side of life, as well. Be a broken record – say it over and over. The repetition will help her understand how you feel. 

In my early adult years, I was a naysayer and a friend who was also my mentor said to me, “No one cares when you’re bitter and complaining.” That straightened me right up and I was careful about how I expressed myself from that time on.

Lastly, pray. Prayer is powerful and healing. I’ll pray for your friendship, as well.

Rev. Beverly Craig

lccrs@earthlink.net

QUESTION: I’m a mixed-race person and a Christian who has experienced many verbal and physical attacks. When I would go home from school crying after an incident, my mother, while comforting me, always reminded me that Jesus said to forgive everyone. Things were better during my college years because people of many ethnicities were at the college I attended. I’m now in my 30s and, even though I haven’t experienced prejudice for many years, those early traumas still haunt me. The memories come on all of a sudden, and I’m angry and sad at the same time. Please give me some pointers on how to really forgive and forget. 

~ Can’t Let It Go

Dear Can’t Let It Go,

There is one side of forgiveness that is not often focused upon or even addressed and that is forgiveness also entails a willingness to let go and give up. It means giving up our attachment to the pain, to those offenses that so wounded us. Not always so easy to do.

We are defined in many way by
our experiences. After all, they happened to us. They shaped us and we are attached to them because we consider them in part our defining story. We hang on to them (and their power over us) even though the stories they give us are so painful to re-live. Still, the past is gone, and the experience is also gone, a dead event from the past which we cannot change. Yet our minds continually give life to them and it is self-torture. This is the major block or limitation we all face in finding the peace in forgiveness we so desire.

So how do we overcome this? In two ways. First of all, it is accomplished by raising or changing our understanding. Not only about ourselves but also our overall ideas about others and about life in general. Secondly, we overcome this by realizing and accepting that we not only have the power of choice to change our understanding, but also the power to begin again anew. We are not limited by our past unless we choose to allow it. So, in the first instance, what is it in this situation of forgiveness do we not understand that keeps us in a never-ending circular pattern of self-torture.

What we fail to understand is the unity of all life. Spirit expresses itself in an infinite variety of ways. God loves diversity. You need only look to nature to see the truth of that. There are numerous varieties of flowers of all colors, shapes and scents, with particular and unique and fascinating individual characteristics. Some we may like, others we may not. But when we make judgments that one is better than another we are merely expressing an opinion. Opinion is not truth. Opinions are often based on ignorance. Sometimes opinions or judgments limit us from seeing the wider reality, which is the truth. Namely that everything we see is an example of God’s mind or ideas in expression. Thus for us to judge something or someone better and someone else as being less is to limit or prevent ourselves from seeing the animating and joyful mystery that is the source behind everything. Furthermore, in anything He has created, God condemns nothing. How can He condemn the works of His own hands?

In spite of the teachings of some negative theologies, God (as Jesus tells us) loves us all, and forgives us all. No sin is so great it is not forgiven, and no creature is so vile that it is not loved. So the choice in giving up your attachment to your pain is the choice for love … loving, appreciating, recognizing and accepting yourself as a unique and valuable of expression of Spirit and this is true even of your enemy. It comes out of the recognition that we are all the same, all subject to the same pros and cons of life. But underneath this drama of seeming pain and suffering is a unity of Spirit, Spirit that is in unique expression as our self and of all that we see.

Try to see the divine love in
expression everywhere. Even beneath the pain it is there waiting to be embraced, waiting to heal the injuries of our own ignorance and what has resulted from the ignorance of others. By seeing and embracing the divine love within us, and that is for us, and that is all around us (which Jesus refers to as the Kingdom of God), is the moment when love and forgiveness of our enemies becomes real and the peace of mind we are seeking from forgiveness becomes our reality.

Anthony Kelson, Religious Science Practitioner

anthony@apkelson.com

Dear Can’t Let It Go,

Humans often go through painful things in life that are never truly heard, comforted or healed. Christians can make the mistake of telling others to forgive as Jesus did without acknowledging that pain is real and in need of healing. While forgiveness is healthy for us in many ways, the Bible does not tell us to forgive without having our inner feelings healed. As a psychotherapist who is also a Christian with a theology degree, I would like to speak to what happens when we have not healed an aspect of our past pain.

When we have needed comfort for something painful in life and have not received it, we not only carry the burden of the incident but the pain of not receiving support. Sadly, what remains is not only the trauma of the event but also the secondary trauma of not being attuned to. When these are lumped together and carried around within us for years, many adults find themselves experiencing pain from something that happened a very long time ago. What we need is not so much to forgive again, though that may be part of it. What we truly need is to heal.

Whether wounds are physical or emotional, the lasting woundedness they create can be trauma. Trauma, or post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) must be processed and integrated to be healed.

You were bullied because of the essence of your very being; who you are. This caused you immediate physical and emotional pain. This was chronic. And you were reinjured unknowingly by your mother. Often unresolved trauma can go dormant when there is a reprieve. However, as life goes on something that is unresolved most likely will reemerge to find the healing it needs.

The good news is that trauma can be healed. We experience healing when we are heard, attuned to and helped in the journey to process our pain. Trauma is very intricate and complicated. When one has experienced trauma it requires work with a professional therapist, just as a broken leg requires a physician, not just prayer and pastoral counseling.

The great news is that working with someone who specializes in trauma not only brings you immediate support and tools, it also leads you to the freedom from old wounds that can be permanently healed.

Kimberlie Zakarian, LMFT

kimberlie.zakarian@gmail.com