QUESTION: My brother Jim, who was only 41, just passed away after lengthy treatments for recurring cancer. He was divorced and leaves two children, both boys, ages 13 and 11. Even though we thought we had a good relationship with his former wife, she wouldn’t speak to us at his funeral. We sent flowers and a card offering to help her anyway we can. After the funeral, we followed up with a telephone call.
She didn’t pick up and the message we left wasn’t returned.

While Jim was alive, he would bring the kids to our home on weekends and we had some really good times including going to church together. They are precious to us since we have no children. We’d like to continue seeing our nephews, but don’t know how to approach their mother since it seems she wants to break family ties. We really don’t know
what to do next and any help you can give us is appreciated.

~Loving Aunt & Uncle

Dear Loving Aunt & Uncle,

It appears you have made every reasonable proactive, good faith effort to contact and connect with your ex-sister-in-law. As you well know, it’s hard to resolve something when you can’t talk it out. I can appreciate your sense that you have thus come up against a brick wall in trying to see your nephews again.

So what is the solution here? Well, let’s get a bit of a background first for it to make sense.

Jesus tells us that God or Spirit (i.e. the Divine Consciousness) is everywhere present (the Kingdom of God is all around us, in and through us). Jesus also tells us all things are possible through the Spirit. Indeed, Ernest Holmes, founder of the Science of Mind, echoes this when he tells us that we actually live in a spiritual world and not a material world, that the material world is merely a reflection of the spiritual. What both are saying is that in the realm of the spiritual (which is all there is) all things are possible because in Spirit there are no limitations or
blocks, other than those we have accepted for ourselves. So what this means for you is that when a path seems blocked to you on the outer, the only place you need to go to remove that block or limitation, is within and do it from the inside.

The ancient mystics have often remarked, “As above, so below. As within, so without.” In other words, what we experience on the outside is tied to our thinking on the inside. To change anything outside us, we need only change our own thinking about it.

In your case, I would encourage you to change your thinking about your ex-sister-in-law as well as your nephews. Instead of seeing/believing/imagining your ex-sister-in-law as resentful, unapproachable and intractable who is acting unfairly, see harmony, good will, understanding and even affection and openness existing among the three of you. In the case of your nephews, instead of fearing you may never see and be with them, believe, see, imagine in your mind all the fun and enjoyable things you are going to be doing with them.

Here’s a little affirmative prayer to help you when you feel challenged or fearful over this issue. It is always helpful to memorize and repeat it whenever you feel the need. It will work miracles.
“I give thanks and bless my ex-sister-in-law. I give thanks for and appreciate all the good she has done for my nephews and for the good times she and my brother had. I send her my love, goodwill and forgiveness and ask God to bless her in all things. I give thanks and bless my nephews. I give thanks for the joy they have brought me and my husband, and I know they are always able to see us whenever we or they want.

“I give thanks for the goodwill, peace, harmony, warmth, support and closeness of my family of which all of us are a part. And so it is.
Amen.”

Anthony Kelson, RScP

anthony@apkelson.com

Dear Loving Aunt and Uncle,

I am saddened to hear about your brother Jim and his struggle with cancer. It is never easy when a loved one dies, especially at such a young age. I pray you are experiencing God’s comforting Spirit and holding each other close during this time.

I give thanks for your open and generous hearts and for the deep love you have for your nephews. I can sense the pain you are experiencing in not being able to connect with them. First, I invite you to remember that Jim’s former wife, and his sons, are grieving in their own way, just as you are experiencing your own grief.

Second, I would encourage you to keep praying. Pray that God will bring you wisdom for the best possible way to connect with the boys. Pray that God will comfort you all during this season of grief and loss. And pray that all of your hearts will be opened to one another so that you may share memories, joy, tears and laughter.

I would also invite you to consider writing letters to your nephews. If you cannot call or text at this time, ask their mom if you can send letters to the boys. This way you can still be in communication with them and keep building strong relationships with the boys. And maybe the letters will lead to an opportunity to get together at some point. The letters are also a way for you to share your memories of their father and your hopes and dreams for them.

I will keep you in my prayers and hope that God’s healing Spirit will bring all of you close together again.

Blessings,

Rev. Karin Ellis

revkarinellis@gmail.com

QUESTION: We’re experiencing what has been called “empty nest syndrome.” When our two kids were younger and put us through some difficult times we used to say we couldn’t wait until they were grown. Last year, our daughter married and our son will graduate in 2020 from college. Even though we both have many interests and volunteer, neither of us thought we would miss the kids so much. We find ourselves living in the past and reminiscing, perhaps too much.

The reason we’re writing is to encourage young parents to enjoy each and every moment with their kids  – the good and not so good times – because one day they will no longer be kids. And maybe you can suggest ways to help them through the tough times.
– Empty Nesters

Dear Empty Nesters,

My experience has been similar to what you have described. Let’s face it – parenting isn’t always easy and children do not arrive with a “How to Raise a Successful Kid Manual.” Like you, I have been excessively reminiscent of child rearing days. Sometimes I think, “Those were the wonderful days!” Then I remember when the school principal called me into his office because of my son’s misbehavior. Yes, I bless the good and not so good times because this was a growing process for our entire family.

This has been my saving grace – my children are now adults and we get along great. There still are challenges, because once a parent – always a parent! What I’ve learned not to do is take on my adult children’s problems. I pray and remember Luke 1:37: For with God nothing shall be impossible.

For young parents, I always recommend prayer, love and understanding. Trust between parents and their children is an absolute necessity. Have your children help establish “house rules.” Children are much more invested in following rules they helped establish.

We once invited children to a Sunday school teachers meeting to ask them how we could be helpful to them. One little boy said, “Listen to us!”

Parents are a child’s first teachers. What a sacred and important responsibility! When in doubt, let love lead the way.

Beverly Craig

lccrs@earthlink.net

Dear Empty Nesters,

It’s funny how even changes you felt ready for – desperate for even! –can still come with years of grief and sad nostalgia. No matter if it’s the natural aging and development of children causing our homes to be a little less full than they once were resulting from those children aging out of comfortable homes into new adventures and the creation of their own homes or a move or a change in jobs, there is a change in our connections to one another that can leave us really achy for the past. Nesters, it sounds like you’re doing well in staying involved and having your own lives, and your advice to younger parents is very sound but, as I read your letter, I find myself curious.

I wonder about how you’ve been marking the passage of time in your own life and in relation to your children now that they’re older. One of the things we learn from faith is that ritual and attention to the passing of time can really help create holy space in which to process and attend to the change as it happens. Birthday rituals like cake and candles are a minor version of this, graduation ceremonies and weddings are more public rituals of change, but I’m wondering if you’re doing anything for yourselves to mark the changes that happen in you as you continue to shift from parenting children to parenting adults. Your children’s milestones mean something about your life as well and, while it wouldn’t be appropriate to make them publicly about you, it could help to spend some time with a candle lit, in prayer, to mark this spot on your own journey.

Blessings on your journey,

Rev. KC Slack

revkc@uuverdugo.org