By Mary O’KEEFE

COVID-19 has changed the world forever because no matter when the curve is flattened and the number of cases decrease – which will happen – or treatments and a vaccine are discovered, this time has changed the lives of everyone.

As confusing, traumatic and dramatic this time is for adults, it can be even more so for children who are, maybe for the first time in their lives, not excited about being out of school. No matter how parents may try to shield their children from the news of the day, they still hear enough to scare them.

CVW reached out to Amoret Kaufman, a licensed family therapist and parenting consultant from the CV community, to give guidance during this time of pandemic.

CVW: How should parents explain what is going on with COVID-19 and all the changes in our lives?

Kaufman: Any time parents need to share sensitive or possibly frightening information with kids, how they say it is equally important as what they say.

Let’s start with the “what.” The message should be honest and brief, something like this: Every year, people get sick from germs we already know or new germs we don’t know. Most of the time, people get better with rest or medicine or help from doctors. This year, there is a new germ that’s spreading faster than usual and making some people more sick than usual. Kids don’t seem to get as sick as adults. The reason we are staying home is to stop the germs from spreading too fast, so everybody isn’t sick at the same time.

It’s okay to tell kids honestly we don’t know exactly what’s going to happen next, that researchers and scientists are working together to figure it out and in the meantime we are following the rules and adapting to changes as we learn more.

As for the “how,” kids can pick up easily on our feelings of stress or worry. Before the conversation, parents might want to take a few moments alone to breathe, feel grounded and relax. Using a calm voice and mellow body language will reassure the child the grown- up is in charge and the child can relax. Use age-appropriate words, keeping it simple for young kids. No matter what age, avoid giving too much information, gruesome details, stories from the news, etc.

CVW: Students will be “going to school” remotely for the remainder of the school year. What is the best way for them to adjust to this? For example, having a specific place to go in the house to study and not to study in bed.

Kaufman: People of all ages feel most comfortable when there is consistency and predictability in their lives. One of the best ways to adjust to the “new normal” is to create a relatively consistent schedule and stick with it. Students can ask a parent or a friend to help keep them on track. The schedule should include essentials like sleep, exercise and personal grooming, plus time for academics/learning, going outdoors, doing chores, and staying connected with friends and family. Designated space for studying provides more structure and using phone features [such as] “do not disturb” and “downtime” helps reduce distraction.

CVW: Are there practices parents should do as this self isolation/social distancing continues? How do parents remain calm?

Kaufman: Parents can stay calm by reminding themselves this is a temporary situation and we’re all doing the best we can … perfection is not required. Slowing down and having realistic expectations for themselves and others will reduce stress.

Parents can model for their kids how to take care of themselves by getting enough sleep, physical activity and healthy foods. Avoid binging on food, alcohol, Netflix, work, and news media. Establishing routines often helps us feel grounded and gets the kids in a groove so parents don’t have to micromanage every moment. It’s a great time to embrace relaxing activities like reading, yoga, playing an instrument, doing art or hobbies, or experimenting with meditation.

CVW: Los Angeles County did give a number [(800) 854-7771] for those who needed to talk and mental illness hotlines have been set up. What can people do who feel the stress is getting too burdensome?

Kaufman: Human brains and bodies are wired for social connection, so isolation can be a painful experience. We literally need each other to survive. I encourage anyone feeling overwhelmed to reach out to friends, family, and social contacts to share your thoughts and feelings. Start the conversation by being clear about whether you need advice or just someone to listen: “I need some ideas for solving a problem, can you help me brainstorm?” Or “I’m feeling overwhelmed and just need to vent; do you have the capacity to just listen and hear me?”

Having these conversations outside or while walking adds an extra mental resilience boost. But if these ideas don’t work, please contact a mental health professional for more specific support.

CVW: Are you, and other counselors that you know of, still seeing patients in person?

Kaufman: At this point, I don’t know anyone seeing patients in person. Most of my therapy colleagues in Montrose and La Crescenta have transitioned their practices to virtual tele-health sessions, through confidential online video conference platforms. Research has shown that tele-health is just as effective as in-person counseling, even for interactive approaches like child’s play therapy and somatic trauma protocols. Also, many insurance companies have changed their rules in the last few weeks and have allowed for more coverage of telephone and video sessions. It might be worth it to check your benefits.

CVW: What do we tell our teens who feel this is an overreaction?

Kaufman: It’s not surprising our teens might feel this is an overreaction. As one of them told me recently, they have been raised to be afraid of everything! From internet predators to drugs disguised as candy to school shootings, this generation seems to have a constant sense of possible danger. As always with teenagers, one of the best ways we can support them is to listen, listen, listen … to get truly curious about their perspective and ask genuinely interested questions – no advice giving, no judgment. This will help them feel safe, heard and understood, which meet a basic human need and builds trust. That trust will come in handy when you ask them to just go with the flow and stay quarantined.

Amoret Kaufman is a licensed family therapist and parenting consultant who grew up in our community. At her private practice in Montrose, Kaufman works with kids, adults, and families on issues related to anxiety, trauma and attention/ADHD. For more information, contact her at amoret@amoretcounseling.com or call (818) 651-6161.

  Mary Okeefe