Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on “Wheel of Fortune.” Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

I need to practice social distancing … from the refrigerator.

PSA: Every few days try on your jeans just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog … we laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine … will the producers of “My 600-Pound Life” just find me or do I find them?

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 25 of homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I’m so excited – it’s time to take out the garbage!
What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 26 of homeschooling: My child just said, “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.” I’m offended.
Better six feet apart than six feet under.
Submitted by
Tom SUTER