QUESTION: We’re having a challenge with our son Jason who is attending college online. He tells us he’s fed-up with online classes, misses seeing his friends and wants to drop out. We tell him “this too, shall pass” and to hang in there.

We’ve also told him if he does drop out, he has to get a job. We’ve told him that a year passes quickly and, at the end of a year after he’s dropped out, he’ll wish he hadn’t. Nothing we tell him is getting through. He only has one year to graduate with a bachelor’s degree.

We attend church regularly as a family and have prayed and prayed about this and still he remains firm about wanting to drop out. We’re thinking since he’s so persistent, perhaps God has other ideas for his life. Please help us sort this out and perhaps provide some ideas that will help Jason get a grip on reality.

~ Disappointed Mom & Dad

Dear Disappointed Mom and Dad,

It is frustrating to live in moments where we long for life to return to normal while also being powerless to make it so. I believe that this time will be a defining moment for Gen Z students as they discover that navigating uncharted waters is both harrowing and adventurous. Unfortunately for those who care deeply about our children and their peers, our wisdom feels like advice from a bygone era.

Binary options are no longer enough. But I find that they do offer boundaries for discussion. For example, your son’s options are: 1) remain enrolled full-time or 2) find a full-time job. Both are likely untenable. But middle ground remains. The flexibility of online studies might allow for part-time enrollment (and part-time employment). Beyond employment, there are currently countless opportunities to serve those in need in the Los Angeles area, from activism to homeless services to food pantries and more. And each of these contributes to a well-formed life.

Proverbs 16:9 offers wisdom as well: “In our hearts we plan our course, but God establishes our steps.” Our choices in life inevitably open some doors and can permanently close others. But God remains behind all of them. Many people who are fulfilled in life took a circuitous path to that fulfillment, often a path they did not imagine they would ever trod. It requires faith to step out on the road.

Personally, I would encourage your son to finish his degree – but he can likely do so at a slower pace. If you have the means and he desires a broader experience during this time, he can work or volunteer while taking a couple of classes online. Maybe he explores coursework that he was curious about but never tried. I do not think the answer is to do nothing but hang out with friends all day for the next year. The world needs this next generation to bring their enthusiasm and energy for lasting change – what inspires him to say yes to that calling?

Pastor Kyle Sears

kylesears@lacanadachurch.org

Dear Disappointed Mom and Dad,

I can only imagine how you both feel about Jason’s choices right now! He is at the age where he wants to make his own decisions about life and feels that since he is an adult he can do so. But you both have wisdom and experience behind your recommendations for him to stay in college because you understand how fast one year will fly by in light of all that is happening in today’s world.

There are a few things that have been left out of your inquiry. What field/area is Jason’s degree in? In that field, how necessary is it to have a college degree? Is Jason confident that this is the field that he is ultimately called to work in?

God truly knows what is best for Jason and it may be that after taking off a year to work he begins to see what he is missing out on. Today, many students are taking what is known as a “gap year” in which they work for a bit and then enroll in college. He may need that year, but only God knows.

What may be hard but be best is if you are able to release him completely into God’s hands and support his decision even though you do not agree. He will learn from this and may even look back and say, “My parents didn’t want me to not finish college, but they believed in me and supported my decision and that has meant a lot to me.” 

We don’t know but perhaps after a year he will see how much he needs that degree and immediately hop back in.

One of the many things I have learned in parenting our four now middle-aged adult children is that they have had to at times experience “soft failures.” We hate them to experience these but as long as it is not something illegal or immoral, we have had to allow them to make decisions that God uses to grow their character. Hard, but so necessary! Today each of ours and their families love God and are faithful servants of Him. 

You are doing what is good and right – praying and asking for God’s intervention in Jason’s life. God hears and knows and will comfort your heart with His peace as you trust Him with your son’s journey. Parenting is never easy, but is incredibly rewarding! Hang in there dear ones!

Pastor Debbie Sayovitz

debbie@epicentrechurch.org

QUESTION: We have one son, Mike, who has recently been offered a better paying position in another state. He and his wife, Sandy, have blessed us with three beautiful grandchildren, ages 5, 8, and 11. We enjoy their family so much! Now that they’re moving, they want us to move, too. We’ve lived in the same house for 40 years, and really don’t want to leave the area. We are both involved in community activities and volunteer at a food bank. We’re having a difficult time making up our minds about what to do. Mike and Sandy have said they’ll take care of everything – from packing up the house, selling it and finding us a home near where they’ll be living. We’re both in our 70s and a move just sounds like too much of a big change. If we don’t go, we won’t get to see them very often because they’ll live 900 miles away.

What do you think?

~ Undecided Seniors

Dear Undecided Seniors,

I’m not sure why, but my dad told me years ago to never follow your adult children. He had friends who did so and when their children got better paying positions they moved again, leaving their friends in an unfamiliar setting and not being able to afford to move back to California. I was just a kid when he told me that but it’s stuck with me.

You have to also realize that parents and kids will be busy with friends, school and work. How much would you see them? You also seemed very involved in your community. How easy would it be to do that in a new community? 

Since money doesn’t seem to be a problem with Mike and Sandy, maybe they could buy a home with a guesthouse or another bedroom that could be dedicated as yours? Once the virus is over, you could have a more quality visit as often as you want.

Of course the decision is yours, but don’t count on them staying where they are. Take it from my dear departed dad. He saw it happen many times to his friends who longed to come back.

Carolyn Young, LCSW

cjymesalila@gmail.com

Dear Undecided Seniors,

I don’t blame you for not being able to decide. The pull to be near the grandkids can be overwhelming. And so is missing Mike! But what a major upheaval! Let me ask you, do you really feel like starting all over? Have you thought about how dependent you’d be on Mike and Sandy socially? How isolated at first? You’d be starting over with geography, a new space and place, church, driving, restaurants, associations, doctors and finding new friends, probably even a new climate too. Employment can be such a fickle thing. It’s 900 miles away you say? Yikes! 

From what you’ve written, it sounds like Mike and family haven’t moved yet. It’s nice they want you near them. Have you considered the added stress that comes to him with your move to be near him? This new job better work out or else!!! My advice would be this: For a while, at least until things calm down and all the moving dust settles, why not let grandma and grandpa’s house be a beloved and exciting destination? Somewhere over the river and through the woods! It’s always fun to go there! Everybody looks forward to it! Not so much if you see them multiple times per week. And you would indeed see them multiple times per week since you’ve said goodbye to all the other things you used to do back home that kept you so active. This reminds me – would it be a good idea for your daughter-in-law’s parents to also move near her so they could spend more time with her and your son and your grandkids?   

And you know what? Sometimes your kids move back into town! I did. It’s not unheard of. And since you don’t know all the variables of this new job for your son, it seems wise to me to wait and see before making any big moves. There are lots to enjoy here in this life you’ve made for yourselves. You’ve been good parents for a long time. But you are more than parents. You’ve made a life for yourselves, here, for over 40 years. Who knows where Mike will go and for how long?

Mike knows the way back home. Why not be there waiting for him?

Pastor Jon Karn

pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org