Respondents are Rev. Jon Karn of Light on the Corner Church; Rev. Kimberlie Zakarian of Holy House Ministries; Anthony Kelson RScP, Laney Clevenger-White, RScP, and Rev. Dr. Beverly Craig of La Crescenta Center for Spiritual Living; Rabbi Janet Bieber; Carolyn Young; Sharon Weisman; Rev. Mary Morgan, Redondo Beach Center for Spiritual Living; Rev. Tim Beck and Rev. Dabney Beck, International Church of the Foursquare Gospel; Lucinda Guarino; Pastor Randy Foster, Christian Life Church; Rev. Dr. Ellen Contente, Global Truth Center; Pastor Scott Peterson, Lutheran Church of the Foothills; Rev. Karin Ellis, La Canada United Methodist Church; Rev. Debbie Sayovitz, Epicentre Church; Rev. Dr. Antonio Gallardo, St. Luke’s of the Mountains Episcopal Church; Rev. Sherri James, UP Church; The Rev. C. L. “Skip” Lindeman, Upland Christian Church, Rev. Rob Holman, St. Luke’s Anglican Church; Rev. Jeff Blanton and Rev. Emanuel David, Community Life Church of La Crescenta; Rev. Sharri Johnson, One Heart Retreat Center.

Responses are offered from the perspectives of individual clergy members, which may or may not be in agreement with other respondents of Spiritually Speaking nor the editor and staff of the Crescenta Valley Weekly.

Question: My husband of 42 years passed from COVID-19 just after Thanksgiving. Although I’m truly blessed with our three grown children and four grandchildren, I just can’t shake feeling deeply sad. I’ve prayed about these feelings and asked others to pray for me as well, but so far I’m depressed and sad.

Any suggestions you may have to help me get back on track to my happier self is most welcome.

~ Sad Widow

Dear Sad Widow,

I can’t even imagine the sense of loss and sadness that you are experiencing after the departure of your companion of 42 years. My deepest condolences to you, to your children and to your grandchildren.

Reading the few lines that you wrote made me appreciate your determination and willingness to continue on living. I especially admire your openness to reach out, to express how you feel, and to ask for support. Your loss has been so recent that it is very understandable that you feel depressed and sad. The person with whom you created a life together just left, and his departure has left a big hole in your heart. You are grieving and there is not a time line to go through it; you will do it at your own pace.

I hope that you know that you don’t have to go through the grieving process alone. The God who loves you is also by your side. God knows your pain, and God is already showing up in your life through the beautiful family that you created with your husband, and the people who are holding you in their prayers.
God knows your pain because God knows what it means to lose a loved one, like when Jesus lost his good friend Lazarus; Jesus wept (John 11:30-35). You are experiencing a huge loss and you may feel the need to retreat, to be on your own, to be in silence, to cry, to wonder why and to be fearful of the future without your husband.
You are experiencing a huge loss and the air around you may have become light, rare, sterile.

Maybe in those moments when you can breathe deeply, albeit briefly, you may have been thinking about the words that you did not say, the plans that were not fulfilled, the dreams that did not come true; and all of this is part of the process of grieving.
You are grieving and, one good day after a period, you will realize that peace will bloom; that will happen slowly and irregularly, but it will happen.

Until that moment, continue doing what you have been doing: enjoying your children and grandchildren and appreciating the people who pray for you. I also invite you to join a grief group and to expand your prayer life with contemplative practices. Through contemplative practices like breathing exercises, yoga and meditation, you will learn to be more mindful, you will experience some health benefits, and you will experience less anxiety and depression.

The departure of your husband is a great loss and, like Maya Angelou says in her poem “When Great Trees Fall,” the time will come when your senses, restored, will whisper to you “He existed. He existed. I can be. Be and be better. For he existed.”

Rev. Antonio Gallardo

agallardo@stlukeslacrescenta.org

Dear Sad Widow,

You are in a very fragile time as it has been only a matter of a few weeks since your husband’s passing. Forty-two years together is a vast long time to get regulated to someone in your life and a few short weeks aren’t going to be enough to get over your grief. I do not know what your religious tradition is; however, in the Jewish tradition we allow up to 11 months for active mourning while being supported by the community at services and other places in life.

In addition, your dear husband died of COVID-19, which means that it was unexpected and therefore even more shocking than an illness that gave you time to come to an acceptance.

You are actually in the beginning of your mourning period. You must emphatically give yourself the time to process your grief. Use all the skills you possess to assist you. In addition to enjoying your children and grandchildren, which can be very healing, write your own feelings as they come up. Write them in a journal or at least on one pad of paper that you add to every day, whenever you feel the inclination. Don’t be surprised if you write for hours at times and only one word at others. Read helpful books that can give you insights into what you are experiencing. Do anything you can to change your energy like paint a picture with watercolors or bake biscuits. Try anything that gives you the opportunity to think in a different way for a moment.

Most of all, treat your self delicately and with great compassion. You have only just lost your life partner.

Here is something else: When you pray and others pray for you have them pray for a heart of compassion. Pray that you and others will have the largess to allow you the time to metabolize this enormous loss and come to terms with it.

We have all lost so much in this strange and traumatic reset to our world under this pandemic. I pray for you to be comforted among the mourners. You will come out of this in the time that is right for you. Let God and your heart tell you when.

Sending you love, compassion and support.

Rabbi Janet Bieber
jbieber1155@aol.com

Question: I come from what I consider a family that has different religious views. My mom is a Christian and my dad claims he’s nothing and he was still okay with my brother and me being raised Christian. I might add, my parents’ relationship is great and there were never any problems with the differences of religious opinions.

We do have a problem, though, because my mom’s side of the family is constantly telling my dad he should become a Christian. My mom and us kids believe it has to be his choice. My brother and I would like to know if there some way we can talk to mom’s family in a kind way and yet ask them to leave him alone?

~ Caring Kids

Dear Caring Kids,

I think I’m on the side of Mom and the kids: it has to be his choice.

Let me say, however, that I am ordained in the United Church of Christ, a quite inclusive denomination. And let me say that I’m a theological liberal or progressive. And also let me say that I have a past that includes disagreeing with those Christians who grab you by the collar and demand to know, “Are you saved?” Maybe that doesn’t go on so much anymore, but some branches of
Protestant Christianity tend to believe – or at least act as if they believe – that if you don’t see things their way, then you are going to Hell!

I think the point of religion – any religion – is compassion, not being right. Unfortunately, there are those in all faiths who think it is more important to be right than to be compassionate.

If you take a look at Jesus as portrayed in the Gospels, you get somebody who is certainly righteous and certainly loving – but if somebody rejects his message, he never runs after them! In my view, Jesus offers his outlook on what God is like and what following that God is like, but then he leaves it up to his listeners to decide for themselves.

Show your mom’s family what I just wrote, and tell them that God shows his great respect for us in allowing us to choose. God gave us these great minds to use.

Let your dad make up his own mind. And remind your mom’s family that Jesus never ran after anybody! Although he did “catch” me and call me into the ministry!

But that’s another story!

Dear Caring Kids,

Your parents have raised two very caring and loving children! I’m sure they feel very blessed to have you both care so much about their happiness.

Religious beliefs (and politics) are the two subjects that can bring about conflict within families. Your parents may have found a way to successfully navigate those waters, but it appears your maternal grandparents haven’t. It’s sometimes very hard to accept our children’s decisions when their beliefs are different from our own. And when our children marry, we must also accept the decisions of their spouses and partners.

There are a few questions I would ask you to ask yourselves. The first one is “Whose issue is this?” Yours, your dad’s or your grandparents? It seems that your dad is fine with allowing you all to practice Christianity without him.

The second one is “What is the intention behind your grandparents request?” Are they deeply religious and fear for your dad’s soul? Is their request powered by love or fear? Either answer means they care deeply about him.

Religious beliefs are deeply rooted and for some people – absolute. There is only one way – their way. As a “Religious Science” minister, we embrace all beliefs and understandings of our connection to the “divine.” Whether you are Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, atheist, or any other belief system, we believe we are all one. And the thing that binds us all is love.

I would let your dad know, in front of your grandparents, how much you love him and that you appreciate his graciousness in allowing your mother to raise you in her beliefs. And I would tell your grandparents that you love them and appreciate their deep convictions, and that you respect your father’s decision to follow his own path.

During this holiday season, remember what is most important -– family, health, love and goodwill towards all. Focus on these and everything else may fall into place.
With Love & Light,

Rev. Dr. Ellen Contente
efcontente@gmail.com

Hello Caring Kids,

You bring up a great tension that many Christians feel around holidays of religious importance. Whenever it is Christmas time or Easter time, there is this acute awareness of the spiritual location of those closest to us. And it often causes Christians to become worried or even terrorized by the fear of their loved one not being where we want them to be. I say this to my own regret that too often we as Christians can become more worried about converting someone than their own desires and wishes.
I think this mainly happens because we want the best for another. We have seen the value of being close to Christ, the joy and fulfillment He brings, and we want that for each another, especially our loved ones. But the way of Christ is never coercion or making someone religious for the sake of our own sanity. Jesus’s invitation to join His family always comes with the option of declining Him, and when we as Christians follow Him best we understand and must respect that decision.

My best advice for you is to remind them that his decision with Jesus is his own. If their hope is for your dad to see Jesus as they do, you can remind them that no one is bombarded into believing Jesus in the first place. In my years of following Jesus, I have never seen anyone talked into the faith, but unfortunately I have seen plenty of people talked out by well-meaning believers.

I believe that Jesus loves your dad and wants Him in His family, but your dad has the right to decline. At the end of the day, no matter how much Jesus means to us as His followers, we must remember us living as He lived is the best invitation we can make even more than our words.

Rev. Jeff Blanton
jeffb@madeforcommunity.com