Question: My beloved husband of 55 years passed away from COVID-19 two months ago. We met in high school and we went to the same college. We married after we graduated college and had a wonderful life together along with our four wonderful kids and six grandkids. Since we were in high school, he always remembered me on Valentine’s Day.

It’s difficult to describe how desolate I felt when I knew I wouldn’t be receiving a greeting from him this year. I’m grateful for the years I had with him and for our kids and grandkids but I just can’t shake the aloneness I feel almost constantly. Is there a way out of this “doom and gloom?”

~Downhearted Widow

Dear Downhearted Widow,

There are many ways out of the doom and gloom; however, all will take time. You were married 55 years and met in high school. In addition, you spent your college years together. That adds up to at least 60 years.

Your beloved husband has been gone two months. That is eight weeks. Maybe by the time you are reading my response another week will have passed so it has been nine weeks since he is gone. I am sure you see now how short a time this has been and that time is necessary for mourning.

I do not know what faith tradition you observe, but let me offer you this. In Judaism, we divide the time of mourning. After the death and funeral (a liminal time) are the seven days from the funeral when people come to your house to bring food and pray together in the afternoon or evening. After these seven days (called sitting shivah), one traditionally leaves the house for a short walk around the block to mark the end of shivah. Then there is the 30-day period (shloshim) when the mourner is not permitted to marry or attend a religious festive meal. Most people include not going to a concert or theater of any kind. One would not get new clothes at this time. Men are not permitted to shave or get a haircut.

Then follows 11 months permitted for mourning. You can go pray at your place of worship every morning or whenever group prayer is offered in your community. No one should prevail upon you to be a certain way for these months. However, after this time, a person is encouraged to rejoin the world fully. Create a new life full with participation with others and the world.

You are actually in the beginning of your mourning period. In addition to emphatically giving yourself the time to process your grief, use all the skills you possess to assist you. Yes, enjoy your children and grandchildren – that can be very healing – but also write your own feelings as they come up. Write them in a journal or at least on one pad of paper that you add to every day, whenever you feel the inclination. Don’t be surprised if you write for hours at times and only one word at others. Read helpful books that can give you insights into what you are experiencing. Do anything you can to change your energy like paint a picture with watercolors or bake biscuits. Try anything that gives you the opportunity to think in a different way for a moment. Most of all treat your self delicately and with great compassion. You have only just lost your life partner. 

Rabbi Janet Bieber
jbieber1155@aol.com

___________________________

Dear Downhearted Widow,

I am sorry for the loss of the love of your life. As you have probably realized, from the moment that your husband departed you have been through some “first” experiences without him. The first day without him at home, the first evening without him in bed, the first meal without him, maybe the first birthday in the family, and recently the first Valentine’s Day without him. If you are reading this, it is because you have made it through all of those “first” moments without him because you are learning to live with the sadness of not having him while honoring the life that he would like for you.

Through your words I can feel that the love that you have for one another not only is the real love, is the kind of love that “never ends” as the Apostle Paul wrote. I have the sense that if your husband could have traded places with you, he would have preferred for you to leave first so that you did not have to endure these difficult times.

And given that God called him first, have you thought about the kind of life that he would like you to continue living until the time you see each other again? It is the strength that I feel in your love for each other that makes me think that he would like for you to continue living a full life.

Will there be a hole be in your heart? Will you miss him? Will you feel alone? None of that will go away, and only with time will you learn to live with it, supported by the strength that comes from your love for each other, from the love of your kids and grandkids, and from the love that God has for you.

Is there a way out of this gloom and doom? Of course there is and with time you will see more and more of the light that shines through for you every day.

Do you know anyone in your life who has gone through a similar loss? I hope you do because, according to others who have also lost the love of their life, it helped them to see how someone who had been through a similar loss was still able to stand upright. That very simple physical manifestation of strength gave them hope when they thought they could not make it; no words, no gifts, no advice – just to see someone else who has made it.

You have the greatest gift of all, the love that you and your husband have for each other. You have the gift that “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7) I hope that you allow that gift to be the strength that you need to live the full and wholesome life that your husband would like you to live.

Rev. Antonio Gallardo
agallardo@stlukeslacrescenta.org

Question: I’m in my 80s and never in my life have I experienced such political upheaval. I put myself in the role of observer and will not talk to anyone – friends or family – about their political leanings/opinions. My problem is almost every conversation I have with anyone seems to go in that direction. I just say I’d rather not talk about that and now I have friends and family who do not want to talk to me.

Personally/politically, I’m “middle of the road” and will not side with people who passionately attempt to recruit me to their way of thinking. Please say something about allowing others to be who they are. It may seem like I’m not doing that when I don’t want to talk politics but, in my case, it’s a waste of time to listen to another’s political rhetoric.

~ Apolitical Sometimes

Dear Apolitical Sometimes,

I’m in my 70s and agree the USA has never been so divided politically. Also we’ve not seen before a pandemic or global warming causing climate change and extremes of weather in our lifetimes. Added to that, many Euro-Americans are participating in honest reflection of our nation’s origins in indigenous genocide and enslavement of those of African ancestry. Locally, our many immigrant communities share their stories of man’s inhumanity to man from other places, including Armenia, Bosnia, Cambodia, Rwanda and Nazi Germany. Violent extremists have recently tried to overthrow a duly elected President and Vice President and vow to continue to try to install a white supremacist, misogynistic dictatorship to replace our democratic republic.

It is a lot to process, much less discuss with loved ones. We don’t even agree on facts and definitions. I think each individual has to decide how to best cope. If repeated pleas to avoid topics where there is fundamental disagreement or agreeing to disagree doesn’t work, you may have to limit contact for your own peace of mind. Personally, I feel it is a USA citizen’s duty to participate in the political process but you don’t need to endlessly justify your position to others. If you are Euro-American, as I am, you might find the resources in this recently concluded program helpful in shaping your communication with those who want to change your opinions: Glendale YWCA’s 21 day Racial Equity and Social Justice Challenge, https://www.glendaleywca.org/21-day-racial-equity-social-justice-challenge/. The YMCAs of Glendale, Burbank and the Foothills coordinated a “Neighbors in Dialogue” program from Jan. 27 to Feb. 17 consisting of four weekly Zoom meetings that allowed a group with diverse ethnicities, ages and political viewpoints to explore areas of commonality. Anyone who is interested in a similar program can contact George Saikali, gsaikali@glenymca.org.

I hope we can all work toward healing together.

Sharon Weisman
sharon@jetcafe.org

__________________________________

Dear Apolitical Sometimes,

You may have heard the old saying that we should never talk about religion and politics. But if you subscribe to that view, then you really never talk about anything of any consequence. Example: “Hey, did you see that snowstorm on the East Coast? Terrible, isn’t it?” After you and the person to whom you are speaking agree and maybe have a few more exchanges of “Ain’t it awful?” then what? Vacuousness and emptiness – but aren’t they the same? Yes! But I digress …

When I was in seminary (a Protestant institution), we had a Catholic cardinal from the Netherlands come for a visit. He made the point that since we have two ears and only one mouth, maybe God wanted us to listen more than we speak! Maybe that’s what we need to do in America these days: listen more than we speak. Without trying to get your point across – and I know that’s very hard, believe me! – try listening to that idiot who you believe has his head someplace I can’t say in public!

Seriously – listen. And you might start out your conversation with something like: “You know that I’m a (fill in the blank) conservative/liberal … and I know that you are a (fill in the blank) liberal/conservative, and we probably won’t be able to change each other’s minds. Still, I want to listen to what you have to say and I want to try to understand how you think. And I promise to remain silent until you have said your piece.”

What I have said above may not solve all the problems of the world, but at least it’s a start. Oh, and by the way, once your friend has stopped speaking, resist the temptation to call him/her an ignoramus! He/she might be, but resist the temptation!

(What did Jesus say? “And lead us not into temptation …”)

Good luck!

The Rev. C. L. “Skip” Lindeman
lindemanskip@yahoo.com