Question: My husband and I are at odds with one another. Now that outside dining is allowed where we live, he wants to go to dinner. I’m not ready to go out just yet until statistics are better. Two of my very close friends died from the virus and I don’t want to take any chances. I tell him to go ahead and bring dinner back to me, but he doesn’t want to do that. Instead, he picks up dinner for both of us, but he’s not happy about it.

This may seem like a small argument but it’s put a wedge between us that is spilling into other things that require leaving the house. I won’t argue with him and instead tell him gently I’m just trying to be safe from what could be a horrible death.

Is there a way I can convince him to not take my decision personally?

~ Dismayed

Dear Dismayed,

I appreciate your need to feel listened to and respected and to feel safe on this issue. I also appreciate your desire that your husband not interpret your caution as a being a personal rejection. I am sure others responding to this would encourage you to keep and persist with an open dialogue and communication to work through this issue with your husband. That is always good advice. Minds and perceptions can change by talking it out, even if the process seems ongoing and seemingly never-ending at times, until a positive resolution is reached.

Ernest Holmes, the founder of the Science of Mind, had another approach. In his view, if we wished to change anything we merely have to change our own thinking and reality would follow our thought. To put it another way, the world (for example, our experiences with others) mirrors what we think into it. If we see resistance, or lack or limitation of any sort, that will be our experience. If we see harmony, peace, respect and cooperation, that will be our experience. So if we have a problem with something or someone outside ourselves we do not need to try and work outwardly to change them or anything outside of us. We need only change ourselves internally by changing our own thinking about the issue and the change in the outer reality will follow.

Sounds incredulous. But like any good science, the proof is always in the pudding. Otherwise it is meaningless.

In Science of Mind, there are two ways we use to affect this change. The one I will introduce you to is affirmative prayer. Affirmative prayer is not a begging prayer (as most of us tend to think prayer is). Affirmative prayer is a directive, focused and commanding prayer focused either on a general or a specific outcome to bring about the good we desire. You repeat it until you believe it. As Jesus says in Matthew 8:13, “It is done unto you as you believe.”

When you get to that point where the belief is real in both your thinking and feeling, that is to a point where your confidence that it will happen is greater than your fear that it won’t, that’s when the miracle happens. Here’s a little affirmative prayer for you. Repeat it until you see it. “I know there is perfect peace and harmony, communication and understanding, acceptance and respect between my husband and myself where the rights of each of us are acknowledged, respected, honored and any differences are always patiently tolerated. I know my husband cooperatively works for and supports my need for safety during this time; and that our lives are filled and blessed with goodwill, love and caring for one another. And so it is. Amen.”

Anthony Kelson, RScP
anthony@apkelson.com

Dear Dismayed,

This has been a year like no other in the history of our
world. More people have died in the United States from the
COVID-19 virus than died in World War One, World War
Two, the Korean Conflict, and the Vietnam War – combined.
You are absolutely correct to be concerned about leaving
your house and about being reluctant to go out to eat at
restaurants, even though things are just starting to open up
now, as COVID vaccinations are being given to more of the
population. I am very concerned that your husband does
not appear to be honoring your logical concerns in this
matter. You have actually had friends who died from COVID
and yet your husband seems more concerned with spending
time in public places, as if nothing has changed.

Yes
we are all frustrated with having to restrict our lives, our celebrations spent in the company of our friends and loved
ones, but there is a call to reality here that he seems to be
ignoring. Over 535,000 Americans who wanted to go to a
wedding, go out to dinner, go to a movie, have died. They
are dead. They will never be able to go out to dinner again. Does your husband truly understand that? And why is this
driving a “wedge” in your daily lives? The answer is that he
is coping with this tragedy in the only way he knows how and, like many do, in denial. He actually needs to listen to
you, to hear the validity of the science and to follow the
recommendations of the CDC based on the safety and
survival of us all. It is irresponsible and self-absorbed behavior
to ignore what is really happening in our world today
in favor of a temporary feeling of personal freedom.

I am
reminded of the quote by Virginia Wolf, “To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves.” And, of course, remembering
the Golden Rule as written in the Bible: “Do unto others
as you would have them do unto you.” Does your husband
really want to risk both of you dying of COVID? Or does he
want health, happiness and a loving marriage? Does he
truly want to be happy? Then he needs to acknowledge the
science, he needs to acknowledge your feelings, and he
needs to make a choice.

When we love each other, we listen
to the fears and the issues that our partner is experiencing.
Then we get to decide what to do with those feelings and what to do with our own. I feel that your husband
may be ignoring the opportunity to work through this challenging
time with you as your partner … instead, he is
choosing to be combative and uncooperative and is preferring
to allow a wedge to be inserted into your partnership.

What are his reasons? What is his logic? What is his
justification for making you feel bad about taking care of
yourself and your family? Those are the deep issues that
you will both need to uncover together. I am sure that you
will arrive at the perfect compromise, as is the way of love.

You, too, have to listen to what his motivation is. He may be
wanting to maintain a safe and secure environment, free
from worry about the virus. His intentions may be to shield
you from all of this madness and spend time with you as
he once did. Look to each other and communicate honestly
together. I have no doubt that you will find the solution.

Rev. Karen Mitchell
karen@karenmitchellmusic.com

Question: We have 9-year-old twin boys who have been closed to their “PaPa” (grandfather) since they were born. PaPa was very active in their lives, teaching them how to garden, fish and many other practical skills like cooking when they were camping. He often took them on fishing trips. We attended church together every Sunday.

He passed away six weeks ago from COVID. They are devastated and so are we. They’re concerned because PaPa cussed and drank beer. They’re worried that he didn’t go to heaven, even though we’ve told them he did. We also told them God is a forgiving God and that PaPa is now safe with Him.

The boys don’t seem to believe what we’ve told them. Is there something else we can tell them to ease their minds?

~ Stumped Mom & Dad

Dear Stumped Mom & Dad,

I’m sorry to learn of your loss! It sounds like PaPa was a marvelous example of grandparenthood and blessed your boys greatly. The pandemic has robbed us of so many cherished loved ones and it’s a tall order for adults to wrap their minds around loss, let alone children.

Death itself is a difficult concept to teach to youngsters, and the additional concern about PaPa’s whereabouts is not an uncommon dilemma for parents to attempt to explain. The consensus is to follow a few suggestions for speaking with your children about death. Most importantly, use simple words and be direct. Take time to listen to their reactions or questions and be ready to provide comfort and reassurance. Address the emotions behind your words, utilizing feelings like sad, angry, worried or confused to mirror their reactions. Also normalize the experience by letting them know that you feel similarly sometimes.

Concerning the spiritual questions about heaven, share with them Scripture like John 14:1-3: “Do not let your heart be troubled (afraid, cowardly). Believe [confidently] in God and trust in Him [have faith, hold on to it, rely on it, keep going and] believe also in Me. In my Father’s house are many dwelling places. If it were not so, I would have told you because I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back again and I will take you to Myself so that where I am you may be also.” (AMP)

This is an excellent passage to reassure them that the most important thing is to trust and have faith that, because PaPa believed in God, God will be faithful to PaPa and has already reserved a place for him in God’s heavenly home. God wants the people He loves to be close to Him, even if they were unsuccessful in some areas of their lives. God isn’t a punishing God, but a loving and forgiving God. (That being said, it’s still best for them to try their hardest to do good, as PaPa also tried to do.)

Another passage is John 11:25-26: “Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in Me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in Me will never die.” (NIV)

This verse underscores the previous verses by reassuring the children that we will be forgiven of all our mistakes when we believe in Jesus and will live with Him in heaven for eternity. Remind them that PaPa believed in Jesus, as evidenced by the fact that he regularly went to church with them and tried his best to be a good man. Perhaps add that PaPa loved them so much he wouldn’t want them to worry about him, but to remember all the things he taught them and remain faithful in honoring Jesus. Jesus came to show us that life as believers doesn’t end with death, but that in death we have the freedom and privilege to live with Him after we die, and that’s where PaPa is right now, with Him.

It may take some time for all of this to make sense to your sons. You may need to do a lot of reassuring. Be patient with them and continue expressing how God greatly loves PaPa and them, and neither of them would want the boys they love so much to worry.

Be well & be blessed!

Lucinda Guarino
lucindaguarino1@gmail.com

Dear Stumped Mom & Dad:

What a special relationship your sons had with their grandfather – sharing life and so many great experiences! No doubt their loss is great as I’m sure yours is too.

It’s not easy to talk about the loss of a loved one, death and even heaven with children and even sometimes with adults. Certainly, for most of us, our faith rests in the hope of eternal life through Jesus Christ. But the death of a loved one who was a believer is still something with which we struggle to understand and cope with. We may want to protect the hearts of our children from pain when a death occurs in our family or circle of friends. So the question is, how do we tackle the subjects of physical death and the hope of heaven without totally scaring our kids as we ourselves are dealing with our own emotions?

We can turn to the Scriptures for comfort and use them as a resource to help our children better understand what happens to all of us at the end of our life here on earth.

First: Those who believe in Jesus are promised eternal life with Him after their physical death! In John 11:25-26 (New Living Translation) Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in Me and believes in Me will never ever die.”

Second: Jesus himself has prepared a special place in Heaven for each of us! John 14:1-3 (Good News Translation) wrote, “Do not be worried and upset,” Jesus told them. “Believe in God and believe also in Me. There are many rooms in my Father’s house, and I am going to prepare a place for you. I would not tell you this if it were not so. And after I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to Myself, so that you will be where I am.”

So if Jesus has promised us eternal life and has prepared a special place in heaven for each of us, the real question for children to understand is: How can we be sure that we and our loved ones can go to heaven when we die? Do we earn our eternal salvation by being good and not “drinking beer” or “cussing?” On the contrary. The Scriptures are clear that: “God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.” Ephesians 2:8-9 (NLT)

I encourage you to help your boys cherish the memories they have of their PaPa and never forget the life skills he taught them. Most of all, remind them that the Bible says in Romans 10:13 “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

If they too put their faith in God, they can know that they will spend all of eternity with PaPa … and that’s a long, long time!

Pastor Randy Foster
randy.clc@att.net