Question: I’m a leader in a local organization. We had a guest speaker recently and, after the meeting, several of us took him to lunch. Two or three in our group kept bombarding the man with questions to the point that he barely had time to eat. He was cordial and was answering the questions.

To me, this was rude because when most of us were done eating he had barely touched his food. I didn’t want to sound obnoxious, but I’d like to know what to do if this happens in the future instead of saying, “Please let the man eat!” which I felt like doing, but didn’t. Any suggestions? ~ Irritated

Dear Irritated,

First off, good for you for not speaking from irritation. As it says in Proverbs, “A harsh word stirs up anger.” (Prov. 15:1) So good for you for not unintentionally embarrassing or offending your associates. But that left the speaker unable to eat and you silently irritated. So holding your tongue isn’t enough. The first part of the Proverb is also helpful: “A soft answer turns away wrath…” or embarrassment or offense.

But, like you, sometimes I can’t figure out how to give that “soft answer” to the situation. But I always know someone who can and he loves to have us invite him into every situation. God always has the right perspective on a situation. “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” (James 3:17)

So the Apostle James advises, “If any of you lacks wisdom, [What can I say to let our guest eat?!], let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” James 1:5

I find that when I lift my heart and mind to God, it is so much easier to find words with the right amount of grace or humor to redirect a situation in a helpful way. For instance, you could have done it with a compliment that nudged your peers.

“It has been so interesting talking to you, I’m afraid we aren’t giving you time to eat.” Or you could apologize as if you were also an offender and redirect the conversation: “We have been so interested in hearing from you that we aren’t giving you time to eat. I’m so sorry. Is there any question we can answer for you?” In both cases you are pointing out the obvious but gently.

My final thought is to encourage you to speak with your associates about it – again, gently but assertively. All healthy relationships involve sharing what we think. But remember to pray first so you share with the mind of Christ, a way that is open to reason, peaceable and gentle.

Rev. Rob Holman
rob@stlukesanglican.org

Dear Irritated,

If you have ever been questioned like this, you know what it feels like … an interrogation! I’m sure the person being interrogated wouldn’t have minded if you said, “Please let the man eat.” You could have said it with a laugh to soften it a bit. Before it happens again to your next guest speaker, remind everyone to let the person eat and then ask questions in a more conversational style. 

Carolyn Young, LCSW
cjymesalila@gmail.com

Question: Our daughter’s husband left her with two young sons, ages 4 and 6. She was just reported to the county children’s services because she’s been going out at night and leaving them alone. Had we known this we would have cared for them, but we think she didn’t want us to know she was going out because we don’t believe in that behavior. We appealed to the court to let us take the boys instead of foster care, and now we have them.

Our difficult question is how can we help our daughter be a better parent? We’re baffled by her behavior because we took her to church every Sunday since she was born and we’ve never been a family that goes out to bars.

Our grandsons are asking for their mother. What do we tell them? She does have visitation rights and they always want to go home with her. We pray for her and our grandsons every day. ~ Discouraged

Dear Discouraged,

How wonderful that you appealed to the courts so you could foster your grandchildren. Your love and nurturing will certainly help to provide some stabilization in their lives. Child abandonment can cause lifelong issues when unaddressed and showing them your love will offer them the sense of security they might otherwise not experience. It appears their father is completely out of the picture so it’s only natural that they would want to go home and be with their mother as that is the only life they have ever known. Interestingly, your daughter is viewed as abandoning her children but their dad, though completely out of the picture, is not!  

It is unfortunate that, despite the fact that you have provided a healthy foundation and instilled good values for her, your daughter is making careless decisions that could impact her children for the rest of their lives. There can be numerous reasons why a parent shows reckless behavior towards their children. Many times, single parents can feel overwhelmed and incapable of handling the responsibility of their children on their own. That inability often reflects on their own sense of self-worth causing individuals to act out in uncharacteristic ways. Now that the life she knew with her husband is over, your daughter might feel as though she has been abandoned. As misguided as it is, going out and seeking her own freedom as a single woman might be your daughter’s way of re-establishing her identity. She might be using it as a way of recovering from her own sense of abandonment. I point this out not to justify her behavior but to demonstrate how important it is to refrain from being judgmental.  

The Science of Mind teaches us to trust that everything not only happens for a reason but for a good reason. The moment we shift into a positive interpretation of the circumstances, ask what the gift this situation has to offer, the wisdom will be realized and by-product will always be for goodness’ sake. 

Whatever the reason, your daughter’s actions demonstrate that she needs professional counseling to get her life on track and then re-establish her sense of self-respect and purpose. This scenario requires not only having faith in God, but the faith of God to create a new direction for your daughter and her family.  Your continued love and support will help your daughter find her way back to herself and show your grandchildren that they are safe in your care in the meantime.

In Light,

Rev. Mary Morgan
mormari@aol.com

Dear Discouraged,

My heart goes out to you as you deal with these difficult family dynamics on many levels. Any time we have to deal with adult children who aren’t living up to the standards that we’ve tried to raise them with, or we find them endangering themselves or their children, it places us in a hard place. During this time that you are guardians for your grandsons, your love and grace and support for your daughter rather than disapproval will allow you to continue to speak into her life. Not that you condone her behavior – but you love her for who she is and believe the best in her. The first question that you raised about helping her become a better parent is an important one, but the answer depends entirely on whether or not she really wants help. There are many sources for helping her with her parenting skills, but I believe she needs to begin by dealing with her own internal issues first. She needs to face her own pain, disappointment and regrets for what’s going on in her life that would drive her to make decisions to the detriment of her sons. If the courts haven’t mandated therapy for her I would suggest that she find a good Christian therapist who can help her work through the struggles that she’s going through that have led to her making poor choices and ultimately losing her sons.

Thank God your grandsons have you in their lives at this difficult time. You have to remember that they too are trying to process all that has happened at whatever level a 4- and 6-year-old can. And, of course, they long for their mother as any child would. As grandparents who love God, you can continue praying together with the boys for their mother. Pray that she will remember again how much God loves her and that His grace can help her in every area of her life if she will just turn to Him. As you talk with them about their mother, continue to show them that you love her and are trying to do what you can to support her and help her make right choices so they can be reunited with her again. The writer of Proverbs 22:6 (MSG) reminds us to “Point your kids in the right direction – when they’re old they won’t be lost.” Many people interpret this to mean they will never lose their way. I believe he’s teaching that when we instill God’s word into our children’s hearts and minds, they will be able to find their way back to that truth, when and if they temporarily lose their way. Our thoughts and prayers are with you as you walk this difficult journey with your daughter and your precious grandsons. I also trust that you have a good support system around you of Godly friends and a pastor who can pray with you and help you process what is taking place in your life. And never forget, “God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.” Ephesians 3:20 (MSG)

Pastor Randy Foster
randy.clc@att.net