Question: I was raised on a farm near a small mid-western town. A few years ago I inherited the farm where I grew up. Now that I’m retired, I’d like to move back to the farm. The problem is my wife of 45 years (a city girl) doesn’t want to live on the farm. I don’t plan to farm the land, just live in the house and rent the farmland to someone else. The farm is only four miles from the nearest town and although the town has practically everything we would need – a grocery, two pharmacies, theater, senior center and more ­–­ she is not convinced. She has told me to go ahead and move there and we can visit each other.

This has really caused a problem in our relationship. What do you think? ~ Farmer at Heart

Dear Farmer at Heart,

First of all, congratulations on being married for 45 years! That is a great accomplishment and shows the strength of your relationship, as I am sure it has not always been a walk in the park. And it is also a special gift to receive the place where your formative years were spent in the fields and barns of farm life.

A question I have is: Has your wife visited the farm and surrounding area? It may be the blessings of a quieter and slower pace of life is not something she is familiar with. Maybe spending a week or so visiting the area together may open her eyes to the wonder of a place outside of city life.

I always think of Psalm 19 when I remember back to my growing up in a rural area and going outside after dark and lifting my eyes to the heavens: “The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known. They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard. Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world.”

Of course, one of the even more important glories of God is the relationship that you continue to share. If she still does not want to move permanently to the farm, maybe it can become a place of retreat for the two of you. It can become a second home that becomes more special through sharing new memories together. Places that hold dear memories for us are special gifts, but it is the relationship of marriage that must be first for the two of you.

Continue to build and strengthen that relationship and then imagine ways that this new residence may be a blessing rather than something that causes division. Faith, hope, and love abide. But the greatest of these is love.

Pastor Scott Peterson
pastor@lcifoothills.org

Dear Farmer at Heart,

“Green Acres is the place to be. Farm livin’ is the life for me.

Land spreading out so far and wide. Keep Manhattan; just give me that countryside.

New York is where I’d rather stay. I get allergic to smelling hay. I just adore a penthouse view.”

Not to make light of a challenging situation, but that’s what comes to mind.

You’ve got 45 years of a marriage that I am sure has probably endured difficulties throughout your time together. All relationships do because we are humans and have different ideas and goals and opinions. The way to get through these times is good communication, compromise and love. It could be a win-win for both of you.

Let’s look at the possibilities. You could suggest to your wife that she come to the farm for a few months to give it a chance. And there is the possibility that once you are there, either she will like it or not … and there is the possibility that you may not like it. Going to a different environment isn’t always what you think it will be. Making a big move is a major change in anyone’s life. That’s where good communication is important. Listen to each other’s point of view – not from right or wrong, but from a place of love and patience and understanding. Love always wins.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You have 45 years of experience and time together. This could be an adventure that you both would enjoy if you give it a chance. And one day you may look back on trying out the adventure and find out that you both gained a lot from the experience … whether or not you move.

Love each other, be grateful for what you’ve shared together and will continue to share and be open to life’s possibilities of adventure and newness.

I wish you luck and many blessings.

Laney Clevenger White, RScP Emeritus
laneycl@ca.rr.com

Question: We’re the grandparents of two beautiful children, ages 5 and 8, both girls. Our concern is that they’re getting very little religious or spiritual education. We raised our daughter in a local Protestant church and her husband also came from a family that attended church regularly. During the summer, the girls stay with us for a month and, when they do, they go to church with us and enjoy Sunday school. They have even told their parents they’d like to go to Sunday school, but our daughter and son-in-law have done nothing about it.

Is there a gentle way we can get the message across that this is an important part of a child’s life?
~ Stumped Grandparents

Dear Stumped Grandparents,

My intuition is telling me to suggest that you not speak to your daughter and son-in-law about your concern. The reason is many dynamics come into play and one of them is the possibility that ~ they may think ~ you believe they’re not good parents, regardless of how gently you approach a conversation with them; however, I’ll pray along with you for divine guidance that will bring the love that God has for you into the possibilities of a conversation. You’ll know when/if the time is right.

Taking your grandchildren to church for a month during the summer may not seem like a lot; however, the “spiritual seed has been planted.” The children have been exposed to religious/spiritual messages that will carry them through a lifetime.

I’m also reminded of the adage, “The squeaky wheel gets the oil.” Your grandchildren’s persistence in asking to attend Sunday school may very well bring results.

In the meantime, there are several things you can do including subscribing to age appropriate Highlights for them that is a character building publication. Also, send books home with them to read. A couple of my favorites are “When God Made You” by Matthew Paul Turner and an audio book “I Am Smart, I Am Blessed, I Can Do Anything!” You may also want to read “The Spiritual Growth of Children” by Rick Osborne.

I encourage you to not ruminate about your concern. Your only responsibility is to love your grandchildren and live by example because they observe everything you do and say.

Rev. Dr. Beverly G. Craig
lccrs@earthlink.net

Dear Stumped Grandparents,

I appreciate your question, and I suppose there are many in our community who might find themselves in a similar situation. One of the greatest challenges of loving others is honoring their autonomy, even when you believe their decisions, or lack thereof, are not the best for them and/or for their family.

As a pastor, I often struggle with a similar tension of watching good people living less than what God desires for them, making less than ideal decisions for themselves and for their families. On the same token, genuine love does not need to remain silent because love speaks truth and wisdom with grace and gentleness. Love always wants what is best for the other, for the sake of the other. Following Jesus is a long obedience in the same direction, a faithful pursuit over the long haul. The same applies to our desire for our children, grandchildren and our loved ones – praying for them, giving them faithful nudges, fostering bridge-building conversations, and helping them see God through tiny little redemptive moments.

I commend you for investing in the spiritual lives of your grandchildren! I have met so many faithful individuals who have found Christ through the faithful guidance of their grandparents. Your role as grandparents is so pivotal in their lives – and will serve as an anchor for years to come. I would also encourage you to prayerfully consider beginning the “uneasy” conversation about faith and family with your daughter and possibly with your son-in-love.

That’s right, I said “son-in-love” and not “son-in-law” because it’s by the displaying of your love for the Lord and your love for him that any walls of defensiveness would come down prior to entering into difficult conversations. It will take courage, wisdom and lots of prayer – but that’s what love does, doesn’t it? Love cannot remain silent – it speaks truth when necessary.

Remember, the journey of faith is long, full of tiny little acts of faithfulness, loving others in spite of their decisions, seizing those divinely orchestrated little windows of opportunity to help redirect them toward Jesus!

I’ll be praying that you find the courage and wisdom to speaking honestly and openly with your daughter and son-in-law about the spiritual direction of their children. Who knows? It might even ignite a spark that might encourage your daughter and son-in-law to reevaluate their own spiritual direction. The most important thing in life is not what we do, but who we become. So both of your roles as grandparents are so much greater than you might imagine – you are helping shape “the becoming” of your children and grandchildren, and that is never a task for the fainthearted.

But be confident knowing that God never calls us to a task without equipping us with His peace, presence and provision! And the fruits of our labor are never microwaved; they take time, patience and intentionality – with lots of prayer!

My best,

Pastor Emanuel David
emanueld@madeforcommunity.com