Question: I’m retired after working for 42 years as a CPA. I’m also divorced and have two grown children. Throughout my working years, I met friends twice a week for drinks. After retiring, I found myself drinking way too much. I regularly attend AA meetings. I also am not joining my friends for drinks anymore. They nag me to join them and tell me I can have a soda or coffee. I like them but really no longer have anything in common with them. My children were happy that I went to rehab and told me they thought I drank too much when they were growing up.

Is there a gentle way to get my former drinking buddies to understand that I’m done with that part of my life? I don’t want to hurt any feelings.

~ Alcohol Free

Dear Alcohol Free,

Congratulations on your months of sobriety!  You and your family must be proud! 

As we transition into new seasons of our lives, as you have through your retirement, we reevaluate life’s direction, goals and relationships, making adjustments to benefit ourselves and our future. This can create some uncertainty for those around us. Most people have gotten used to a certain routine and a certain way of relating to you. It can be hard for them to adjust when you aren’t acting as you have in the past. As you have probably learned in AA, you have to establish new habits and routines so that you won’t fall back into destructive old patterns. 

Ultimately, it’s most important to “take care of you!” When you talk to your drinking buddies, be very upfront and forthright risking their lack of understanding. By stating that you value them but cannot put yourself in a situation where alcohol is one of the components or focuses, you are setting limits and boundaries that must be respected if they want a relationship. If they value you and your friendship, they will “stop nagging” and accept and admire you for your resolve. If they don’t understand, that’s their problem (to put it bluntly). You don’t need that kind of “friend.” Focus on making and cultivating authentic friendships where your beliefs and convictions are applauded and valued, possibly with some who attend your AA meetings.

If you choose to continue any of the “old” relationships, find other activities to do and places to meet together. You could suggest a restaurant for lunch or dinner, or meet them at a coffee shop where alcohol isn’t even offered. Going to a movie or doing some other activity, like hiking, bowling, taking a walk, etc., could be enjoyable and help to cultivate a new aspect of your relationship. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find that there are others in your after work drinking group who are also looking for something beyond being “drinking buddies.”

You’ve forged a new path for your future … Keep up the good work!

Cheering you onward and upward,

Pastor Dabney Beck
dabneybeck.ss@gmail.com

Dear Alcohol Free,

 Good for you! I have alcoholism in my family including a younger brother who hasn’t had a drink since 1980 and he still goes to AA meetings. I do drink socially, and so do my other two brothers, and the one who has stopped drinking used to worry about being a “wet blanket” at family gatherings because he no longer drinks. I think he is over that worry now.

I did a double take when I read that your two adult children thought you drank a little too much as they were growing up. I had the same feelings about my father! There is an old story – maybe it happened for real, maybe not – about two guys who used to drink together. One guy stopped drinking and the other guy said to him, “I think I liked you better when you were drinking.” The fellow, who no longer imbibed, said in reply, “I think I liked you better when I was drinking, too.” 

The story has a point: maybe the only thing the two guys had in common was their drinking. If that’s your situation, maybe you ought to look for another set of friends. But whatever you do, stay sober. My recovering alcoholic brother told me this one: what’s the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk? Answer: An alcoholic has to go to all those meetings where everybody smells like coffee!

Congratulations on choosing life! You really did!

Question: I’m trying to wrap my mind around “man’s inhumanity to man.” In schools, there is bullying and there are also those who believe they are entitled and cause problems in places of business, as in not wanting to wear masks when they were required by the County and CDC. Then there’s the recent mass shootings by individuals who are indiscriminately taking lives of innocent people.

I just had my 70th birthday. I don’t remember these kinds of problems until the last few years. I have no idea how to remedy this problem. Do you?
~ Grandpa Jones

Dear Grandpa Jones,

Your frustration certainly has merit. One must realize that as our population grows so do the problems. Meeting everyone’s needs is certainly a challenge.

All of us have a need for space and recognition. Without it, we can become frustrated and often angry without knowing why. This can further result in becoming insecure and often combative. As for children bullying in school or while playing, this has been going on forever. If you ask a child why they are misbehaving most of them couldn’t even give you a logical or meaningful reason. Bad behavior is often attributed to lack of love and neglect in the home and sometimes competition with a sibling, even undiagnosed special needs, can be part of the problem. The unfortunate part of bad behavior is that it can often be passed on into one’s adulthood. History has shown that humanity has used many types of destructive instruments to annihilate each other for reasons of greed, to gain superiority or to vent anger. When one develops an egocentric personality, it usually requires intervention by whatever legal means it takes to control them. To understand a problem, one can best help by expressing love and understanding. A troubled person, especially for those who are misbehaving, listening and expressing compassion can be very effective. Anyone who responds with anger is part of the problem.

As for wearing a mask, this can be best addressed by medical professionals although individuals who test positive, have a fever or feel ill in any way should use good judgment and quarantine themselves. Wearing a mask is a double-edge sword. One must ask how it affects them mentally due to long term isolation versus the need to protect themselves from exposure. 

God bless you, Grandpa Jones, and thank you for caring.

Dear Grandpa Jones,

 Your questions are questions we have all been asking ourselves. How and why has man’s inhumanity to man increased in so many ways in the recent past?

Knowing that God is love, and God is present in every person, why doesn’t that love prevail over everything that is happening now?

There is only love and fear. Love is God given and is in each of us. Sometimes love is buried so deeply in fear, it doesn’t appear to exist at all. But it does.

Fear can turn into desperation for proof that we are loved. This proof then manifests as the need to control everyone, both individually and in groups.

In today’s tech society, people can find information instantly from anywhere in the world. For many things in our lives, getting this info is beneficial. But repeated taunts and accusations, through any type of media, can also stoke massive fear. Violence created in isolation or in groups is then acted out without any regard for personal interaction or true communication.

Bullying, physical assaults and disregard for the lives of others are championed as right and normal. We are caught in the storm of fear.

Words matter in whatever form they are spoken. Yet the person or group yelling the loudest becomes the only one heard.

In order to stop the deafening sound, retreat into silence. Go back to knowing who you truly are, through God’s unlimited presence. Breathe in God’s love and exhale the thunderstorm.

How can we help? We know we can’t change others. We can only change ourselves. But we can step back and listen to others’ viewpoints. This doesn’t mean we have to agree with them. But are we willing to understand the “why” of their behavior instead of automatically judging them?

Take a breath and ask yourself, “Does this person feel seen and heard?” “What in their life is so out of whack that violence is the only option?” “Does their belief come from the generational passing of behavior and ideas?”

How do we change the world? We change the world one thought, one word at a time. What we do and say matters. Remembering that, “children recreate what they see.”(1)

Teach our children that love, encouragement and understanding are the things that truly matter in this life.

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world.  It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” (2)

And believe your God-inspired love does change things. Love connects us all and heals us.

“Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things break. And all things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is you.” (3) 

In love& light,

Michelle Gillette, Chaplain
Unity of Pasadena Prayer
mgillette24@aol.com

(1) Sandra A. Daley-Sharif (2) L.R. Knost (3) L.R. Knost