Question: My beloved granddaughter who I’ll call Amy, age 23, passed away last July from breast cancer. I took care of her from the time she was an infant and even into her school years while her parents worked. She was a joy to take care of and had just graduated from college, keeping up her grades and attendance throughout all of the surgery and treatments. Her parents loved her very much and are still grieving just as I am. We have a difficult time even mentioning her name without being tearful. The emotional pain from her early departure from this lifetime is just too much to bear.

Does grief have a timeline? Is there a time when we won’t feel the pain so deeply? ~ Amy’s Grandma

Dear Amy’s Grandma,

My heart aches with you and the loss of one so young and vibrant. I hope the brief words I share can bring you some comfort, if nothing else in knowing that you are not alone in your grief or questions about its duration. I believe one of the great ironies of life is that though humanity has experienced death for eons, it feels sudden and new each time we encounter it.

I believe that grief remains with us; we can certainly heal from the tenderness of the wound but the scar reminds us of our loss. It’s like an old injury that acts up when the weather changes; we will be visited by moments of sadness unbidden. For the first year, you will grieve the most strongly, especially as you celebrate holidays, birthdays, milestones. Beyond that, you might find yourself thinking, “Amy would have loved this” when you celebrate something wonderful in your family’s life.

There is no timeline on grief, no proper way to grieve. The depth of the pain may not always be as deep – for some that is one more reason to grieve, that we are able to (at some point) move on. I find the Jewish words of comfort, “May her memory be a blessing” to be a way forward in our grief. We tell stories about those we love, we name the things that remind us of them, we honor their life in the way we live.

Did Amy have a favorite meal or restaurant? Enjoy it on her birthday. Did she have a charity or cause that mattered to her? Give a gift every year in her honor. Her life has been written into your story, and it is a story that can continue to be told.

But, for now, grieve. Find someone to speak with to process your grief (therapy during this time is a godsend). The Christian season of Advent is approaching, a time when we wait for something good to arrive. No matter how we try to force it, hope arrives when it arrives. Our task is to wait, to simply be. Don’t feel like you have to rush through it or pretend to be put together. Lament and cry out about how unfair it all is, even as you anticipate the comfort to come.

Rev. Kyle Sears
lacanadachurch.org

Dear Amy’s Grandma,

 I am so sorry for your loss. Tragedies like the loss of a young adult granddaughter so full of life are devastating. My first response has been to pray for you and Amy’s parents. May the Lord’s love bring healing grace and peace to the very depths of your being. Ultimately it is the Lord who restores our souls. (Psalm 23:1)

The first answer to your question is grief is a process that unfolds over time. The second part is that everyone’s grief process is their own. Your grief may be similar in some ways with Amy’s parents, yet very different in other ways. Such severe hurts can’t be faced all at once, so our hearts tend to release their pain in fits and starts. It is a part of healing and self-preservation at the same time. Grief can rise up at seemingly random moments, so give yourself and Amy’s parents permission for this.

Whatever your process is like, it is important to release your pain and grief. We aren’t made to carry such hurts forever. You may consider joining a grief counseling group. I know one is offered regularly at Holy Redeemer Catholic Church. It can sometimes help to walk through grief with others. I would also recommend prayer. Psalm 23 comes to mind. You may need to pray it over and over again to help you give your grief to God and find his healing. Memorizing it would be helpful so you can pray whenever you need to, like when you go for a walk or a drive. Finally, many churches like ours have prayer ministers available on Sunday. You may want to go to your local church for people to pray for you.

May God’s healing graces cover and comfort you and Amy’s parents in this time of loss. He makes all things new. (Revelation 21:5).

Mercy, grace and peace,

Fr. Rob Holman
rob@stlukesanglican.org

Question: My dog Rex, who I had for 12 years, had to be put down. I just couldn’t have him continue the pain he was in. I then went to a local shelter and adopted a senior dog, age 10, who I named Rex II. I, too, am a senior (82 years old). Rex II is in good health except for minor joint problems that we take care of with medication. We take a short walk every day.

Now my adult children are mad at me. Instead of being happy for me to have a companion, they’re concerned that if something happens to me they’d have to take care of the dog. I’m at a loss of what to tell them except I’ll try to make arrangements in case I’ll not be able to care for him.

I’m disappointed in their behavior and attitude. What do you think?

~ Love My Rex

Dear Love My Rex,

I personally believe that animals do have consciousness and I believe that their souls do live on after death. I also admire you for opening your heart after such a loss by adopting a 10-year-old dog that needed a loving home. I, too, am at a loss for words regarding your children’s attitude and behavior about your choice. If you were my parent, I would be happy for you to have the companionship of a dog for however long that would be. But rather than condemning them here for their reaction (which wouldn’t be very spiritual of me), I would like you to consider the words of author and philosopher Khalil Gibran who said in his book “The Prophet,” “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself … you may give them your love, but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.”

I suggest that you love, bless and release them to their highest good. Don’t take anything they say personally. This is about you, not about them. You have done everything right, according to your heart, and you do not need their approval even though I understand why you would like it. The Buddha said, “Be kind to all creatures, this is the true religion.” One doesn’t have to be a Buddhist in order to live a life of loving kindness, which you are doing.

May you and Rex II live long and happy lives together and remember what it says in the Bible, in the book of Job, 12:7-10: “For ask the animals, and they will teach you … in His hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.”

Rev. Karen Mitchell
revkarenmitchell@gmail.com

Dear Love My Rex,

I am glad you got a dog. You have given an older dog the opportunity to have a loving, caring home in his last few years of life. And this dog is good for you. You are able to get out and walk the dog, which helps both of you. And I’m sure you are enjoying his company!

As for your children, I hope they are able to see all of the benefits this dog is giving to you. And I hope they see your loving heart as you care for another creature. It might be helpful for them if you are able to make some concrete plans for the dog in the event that you are not able to care for him any longer (and hopefully this will not happen anytime soon). If your children see there is a plan (something like a shelter that will take him in or a friend that will care for him) they might be more accepting of this dog and your decision to love him and care for him. This might reassure them that they will not have to take care of the dog.

Again, I am happy for you and this dog! We are instructed in the Scriptures to care for one another, including the creatures around us. You are loving and caring for one of God’s beloved creatures and, for that, you are to be commended! I hope you and Rex II have several happy years together!

Blessings,

Rev. Karin Ellis
revkarinellis@gmail.com