Question: We have one daughter, Julie, who is 15. We’ve always taught her to be grateful for what she has and for gifts that are given to her. These past few days have been a shocker for us. Julie’s birthday is Dec. 20. We usually either take her out to dinner or have a few of her friends over for a small birthday celebration. Her maternal grandparents live in another state have been sending her money both for her birthday and Christmas. This time, for her birthday, they sent her a beautiful cashmere sweater. Her reaction was totally unexpected. She said she’d rather have money so she can buy what she wants. Her lack of gratitude is of great concern to us. We’ve never known her to be selfish.

Is this a phase for that age? We do not intend to let this go but we’re not certain how to talk to her in a way that will help change her thinking. Your suggestions are most welcome. ~ Upset Parents

Dear Upset Parents,

This is an issue most of us face at some time in our lives. We get so used to either receiving money or receiving presents that when we first get the opposite we are really surprised. This can make us blurt out unkind words as well as act out in unexpected ways. When we receive money, we start thinking about what we want before we even get the money. Can we get what we want right now or are we saving money for something bigger? When we receive a physical gift, we feel obligated to like it whether or not it goes with our vision of who we are.

This gift might be beautiful and something that lots of people would love. However, we don’t all love the same things; some people like getting money, some prefer presents. It all comes down to has the relationship been changed by this new way of gifting? Are we still loved by the person giving us the gift? Do the thanks we give back to them still make them feel loved by us?

You are, obviously, great parents. Your daughter has been raised to be grateful for the many things in her life. Learning to be grateful, as a core value, is a lesson that benefits all of us throughout our lives. Julie needs to understand that having a difference of opinion is okay but saying and doing things that are unpleasant immediately puts the other person on the defensive and is hurtful.

Communication instantly becomes difficult and often leads nowhere.

This is your chance to encourage her toward learning a valuable lesson in how to express the many different forms of gratitude. How does what you say make the other person feel? God doesn’t take sides. Often in life we have to step back and be willing to understand a completely new situation. It doesn’t mean we have to agree with the new direction. However, before instant rejection, understanding all sides first is important. As you step back from frustration, turn toward the ever presence of God. God is support, light and love.

Some underlying thoughts that might be influencing the situation:

Does the maternal grandparent feel guilty about never giving a physical present? Did someone tell him/her that giving money wasn’t the same thing as a present? Is the sweater one that Julie will wear? Is it a current style and appropriate for her age? Maybe Julie is interested in developing money skills as in saving for something that she really wants in the future? Is there some other concern about what the money might be spent on that isn’t being discussed? I invite you to bring in the presence of God. God brings people together with love. Join together in a quiet room and sit in comfortable chairs. Without talking, start slow, deep breathing. Once the room is calm, each person needs to tell each other they love them – person-to-person. Remind each other your love is unconditional.

Affirming love always comes first. Hugs are encouraged. Then take a moment and have everyone agree to having a conversation that leaves out judgment, anger and blame. Everyone involved has feelings and they are all of value. When divisive things start to surface, call a halt and return to calm sacred space through more deep breathing. Be willing to listen. Each person needs uninterrupted time to express his/her feelings. Affirm that God is love and love is the answer to all misunderstandings. No matter how long it takes, each time things get tense, stop and reaffirm God’s calming presence. Keep going back to love. Keep reminding one another that your love is stronger than your differences. Know that this is time is well spent. Everyone needs to believe that they are seen and their true feelings are heard. We can be grateful in any situation. It may not be easy. It may not be in the way we normally expect. But the path to gratitude can be found in anything if we are open to finding it. Bringing the awareness in our lives of the many forms of gratitude is the true gift. Know that God is always present in your lives. Your love carries you through any challenges.

Michelle Gillette
mgillette24@aol.com

Dear Upset Parents,

The fact that you have made an effort all these years to raise your daughter to be a good, decent and appreciative human being is commendable. I don’t think this is an instance of failure either on her part or your part. So I would encourage you not to bring the house down on her over this. Unless your daughter has a job for pocket money (and most kids don’t), they are dependent on the largess of their parents, grandparents and other family members for allowances and cash gifts so they can save up and buy the things they may want or feel they need. As a kid, I had to wait patiently for Christmas and birthdays with hopes I might receive a money gift and that it might be enough to pay for that thing I had my heart set on.

Needless to say, I patiently waited months and there were times when it didn’t happen and I was disappointed. It is all a part of the learning experiences we go through as a kid.

In fairness to your daughter, and in light of the fact your daughter’s grandparents had consistently for some time given her only a cash gift, she had no reason to expect differently for this birthday. The gift of a sweater in lieu of the cash meant what she had been planning to spend the money on, and perhaps something she had her heart set on for sometime, was not going to happen. So she was surprised and disappointed and made the mistake of honestly and openly expressing that disappointment. While this may have surprised and disappointed you, it was not a moral failure on her part or your part in raising her.

This is not to say that at some future point she won’t enjoy the sweater or come to appreciate the gift more fully than she does now. Gifts can grow in meaning and personal value over time, and so does the accompanying gratitude. I can honestly say that as I look back on all the gifts and kindnesses I received as a child growing up that I am far more grateful and appreciative of them now than I was at the time. I think that is true for a lot of us. As kids, many of us don’t have a clue what life is about. We can do or say stupid and ignorant things … which is natural. As I have pointed out in my past columns, we are all born in ignorance and our experiences in life leads to our growth in awareness … even to the fuller and deeper appreciation of gifts … as well as to a painful recognition of when we acted in a manner beneath ourselves.

My baby sister, more often a source of irritation in my life than revelation, once profoundly said in regard to situations like this that no one should be held responsible (i.e., blamed, judged, condemned or rejected) for the stupid things they may have said or done before the age of 21. I told her I am of the opinion that probably should be increased to the age of 35. As I have gotten older, I am thinking even that age limit should be extended.

By all means talk to your daughter. The great Argentinian poet Jorge Luis Borges once said that all real learning comes out of dialogue. But I would encourage you to speak with compassion and understanding, withholding all negative judgment, condemnation or rejection. Allow her the chance to explain her offhand comment and then share with her why it concerned you. Here is a little affirmative prayer you can say before you have your talk, or repeat it whenever you find yourself upset over the thought of what happened. It will help to focus and center you in a positive way by opening the door to a more meaningful and rewarding conversation: My daughter is a good and decent human being with a loving, kind, generous and grateful heart. She is God’s delight, and she is my delight and blessing. I know that all she experiences and goes through in life will only lead to her greatest good and happiness. I know that my guiding hand, when needed, is one of love and understanding, compassion and forgiveness. I know that my relationship with my daughter is one of perfect harmony, mutual caring and mutual acceptance. And so it is. Amen.

Anthony Kelson, RScP
penworth3@yahoo.com

Question: My husband I are both veterans. We each served in various locations around the world in the United States Navy for 25 years. We’re fortunate that we were still in good health when we left the service; however, we know many veterans are not so fortunate. We volunteer at a veteran’s hospital and see many who are broken in body and spirit, which makes us very sad. We take as much time as we can on a one-on-one to help those who seem the most distressed. Still, we can’t get around to everyone. We’re noticing that veterans are getting much more attention than they used to; however, when we see veterans living on the street we can’t help to think that more can be done.

Please say something that will help raise awareness about these individuals who served us and the many who are not getting the help they deserve. ~ Served Proudly

Dear Served Proudly,

Thank you so very much for your service and the sacrifices you continue to make for our country and our veterans. I’m happy the 25 years in the Navy were kind to your health and I hope that means mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. So many return with unresolved issues that, as you noted, can land them on the streets without knowledge of resources or the will to find them. It’s so telling of a disposable society that doesn’t fix broken people and things but turns a blind eye to the needs of others. Sometimes I’m curious if people fail to react because they’re afraid to get involved or if they fear the same may happen to them someday.

Whereas there’s merit to the increasing awareness of the plight of veterans and other marginalized people groups, I agree with you that, as a society, we can do more. Scripture teaches that we are to: “Carry one another’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the requirements of the law of Christ [that is, the law of Christian love].” Galatians 6:2 (AMP)

There are several passages about brotherly love. One of my favorites is:

“Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.” Romans 12:9-13 (NKJV)

You can read more about brotherly love in 1 Thessalonians 4:9, Hebrews13:1, 1 Peter 1:22, and 2 Peter 1:7.

As for raising awareness, I know what you’re doing is incredibly important. Opening up your heart to your fellow veterans, finding ways to tell your stories and theirs, and publicly acknowledging your concerns are great ways to show your care and concern. Word of mouth is one of the best ways to gain momentum, albeit usually slower. Perhaps you’d consider sharing your experiences on a local radio or television station. Human interest stories are still appreciated!

Hopefully, this inquiry will reach a few more interested veterans and others in the neighborhood. My guess is that others, even those who weren’t able to serve, have similar concerns about our veterans. Wouldn’t it be nice to gather together and strategize for expansion in what you’re already doing? I’d add my name to that list!

I’ll be praying for the Lord to bless you with new ideas, a wider audience and people who are willing to join you in your compassionate outreach!

Be well & be blessed!

Lucinda Guarino
lucindaguarino@gmail.com

Dear Served Proudly,

First of all, thank you for your service. Secondly, thank you for what you are doing now for veterans who need help. I agree with you that there seems to be more recognition of those who have served and are now having a tough time of it. And I agree that there needs to be even more done for those who have not transitioned back into society.

What is particularly galling for me is that there are some Americans who want to wave the flag and go kick ass and encourage any number of young healthy people to go fight and die for the country … but then, when they return wounded, look the other way! A pet peeve of mine is that “patriotism” is often thought of as going off to fight our country’s perceived enemies. But when the walking wounded arrive home it doesn’t seem so “patriotic” to help those whose lives have been changed forever in a bad way.

Thank you for what you do and please keep it up. And let’s hope that those who enthusiastically want to send our brightest and best off to war will be just as interested to contribute to their rehab once they get back home.

Sincerely,