Question: Our daughter and her husband just had their first baby. We’re delighted to be first-time grandparents but weren’t prepared for what came next. We were told – not asked – that they would like us to care for the baby every Friday night so they can have date night. Even before the baby was born, we had talked about how we could help out. Every week seems a bit much although once or twice a month would work for us.

We don’t want to upset our daughter and son-in-law. Is there a way to talk to them so we’re not feeling used? We sometimes go out with friends to dinner on Friday nights. ~ Befuddled Grandparents

Dear Befuddled Grandparents,

Congratulations on your first grandchild. I pray God blesses you with several! And I affirm your desire to set healthy boundaries with your daughter and son-in-law. It really is about communicating in such a way that everyone sets healthy expectations.

From what I can gather in your letter, it seems you may need a little help in practicing “assertiveness” with your daughter. The example I will share is my own mother. If I had told her she would be on babysitting duty every Friday night she would have immediately laughed and, with a smile on her face and humor in her voice, said something like, “My dear son, we love you and can’t wait to help out and babysit our new grand baby. But I’m not going to agree to that! We can talk about what we can and can’t do. Let’s just take things one step at a time and see how things go for now. We’ll help out but we need a little flexibility too.”

Granted, it is always easier to think what to say after the fact, especially when someone surprises you. So given where you are, I would recommend that you, Grandma, go and see your daughter privately. Take a moment to affirm and bless her as a mom. Tell her how happy you are for them. Then gently set your boundaries. Honesty is always the best policy. Admit you were befuddled by the “announcement” that the grandparents would babysit every Friday night. Tell her you don’t want to upset her and hubby, but let her know you feel more comfortable in agreeing to once or twice a month for now and you would like to take things one step at a time. And don’t forget to mention that you will likely have social plans on some Friday nights that you will want to keep.

If that sounds difficult for you, take some time to ask for God’s help in speaking lovingly and clearly to your daughter about what is on your heart and listening to her in return. God loves to bless our efforts to foster healthy relationships.

Yours in Christ,

Fr. Rob Holman
rob@stlukesanglican.org

Dear Befuddled Grandparents,

Congratulations on becoming grandparents; that is a huge milestone in one’s life. Your surprise at being told you’re designated regular babysitters is understandable, especially if they expect the care to be uncompensated. While grandparents often care for grandchildren it is definitely not something that should be taken for granted. You may need to establish boundaries with your daughter and son-in-law. Frequent, candid communications facilitate good multi-generational family relations.

Since expectations differed about exactly what helping out with childcare meant to you and the young couple, I recommend setting up a four-way conversation as soon as possible. If your son-in-law has parents who are local they might wish to share babysitting duties and, ideally, should participate in the conversation.

Popsugar reports in a 2017 article, “The latest AARP data shows that 38% of grandparents play the role of babysitter or daycare provider. More specifically, one in 10 lives in the same household as their grandchild with 5% being the primary caregiver.”

Key points to consider are whether both parents will work outside the home or if one is stay-at-home. A stay-at-home parent might need a date night more than one who gets adult interaction at work. If parental leave policies didn’t allow for adequate bonding time with their infant, working parents might want to spend maximum time with their new little one and defer date nights for a while.

If you are still working, your date nights are important, too. On the other hand, regular contact with your grandchild might form a lasting bond that benefits you in your old age. The baby you care for now could be your caregiver in 30 years or so.

Another factor is whether the child was planned. I’d be more receptive to providing free childcare if the little one was a birth control failure. Part of deciding to have children should be realistic plans for the “village” expected to help raise them, but circumstances beyond one’s control can dictate flexibility.

If your daughter and son-in-law have a circle of friends with children perhaps they can set up a reciprocal babysitting system, trading off childcare for date nights. That could be augmented with your support as emergency caregivers – when their baby is ill, for example.

Balancing the needs of the five of you is complicated. Whatever plan you come up with is likely to need updates as the baby grows up and the situation evolves. What works for a while may not work in a few weeks. I hope you are able to find solutions that work well for all concerned.

Sharon Weisman
sharon@jetcafe.org

Question: Our dad died three years ago and now our mom was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer and has been in hospice for a month. She really misses Dad and keeps saying she wants to join him in heaven. We tell her that God takes us to heaven when he is ready, but that doesn’t work for her. The hospice nurses have been great about keeping Mom comfortable and, for the most part, pain-free. When we were growing up, we regularly attended church. Is there something else we can tell Mom to help her understand that her dying is God’s decision? ~ Four Siblings

Dear Four Siblings,

My mom passed away in April having been in hospice, just like your mom is now. She had the best care and I know that her faith in God carried her, without fear, to the other side. I understand that it is difficult for you to hear that your mom feels she is ready to be with your dad in heaven. I feel that you believe each of us has our time to go and that only God should decide when, and how, that happens and it is not up to us to decide those things. That being said, I would ask you why is it hard for you to accept that your mom feels ready to be with your dad in heaven? Jesus talked about the Kingdom of Heaven as being the most beautiful and glorious place, enfolded in the arms of God. I am feeling that you want to keep her here with you believing that God has not decided to take her yet, and also believing that she does not have the right to decide for herself when she can choose to go. In recent years, people all over the world are choosing their “exit point,” especially when they have been diagnosed with terminal illnesses. They choose when, and how, they make their transition, with love and dignity.

I know this may not fit with your religious beliefs. I wonder if you feel responsible for knowing when and how God says your mom is supposed to pass? But I question – are any of us really capable of knowing God’s full vision for how and when those we love (or ourselves) are to pass on? No matter how much we love someone, in my experience we do not have that level of power or vision.

Please consider that if your mom really wants to be with your dad, it is actually okay. If you truly believe in eternal life, you should make her feel encouraged, and relieved, about the fact that your dad will be there to greet her when she crosses over.

Please don’t fight against her natural instinct to be with her beloved. God does not want any of us to suffer. Our trust and faith in eternal life tells us that it is our job to encourage and support each other on our life’s journey, whatever form that takes, knowing that those loved ones we have lost are always there to greet us in the splendor of heaven. After all, in the words of philosopher Ram Dass, “We are all just walking each other home.”

Rev. Karen Mitchell
revkarenmitchell@gmail.com

Dear Siblings,

First let me offer my condolences on the loss of your father and now the diagnosis of your mother. These are tough times for families. Thank God for the bedrock certainty of Christ’s victory over death and the promise of life eternal with Jesus for all who believe.

Perhaps you could remind your mom that just as she had nothing to do with when she was born, since it was God’s decision, she also doesn’t decide when she will die. That is God’s decision. We are here on this earth for his good pleasure. And when that momentous day finally comes when our labors on earth are complete, God calls us home. Believe it or not, from God’s heavenly perspective, there are still things for your mom to accomplish. She is here for a reason.

It is good that she longs to see her husband again. And it’s good that she has an abiding faith in the reality of heaven. There she will be healthy, happy and at peace with her savior. Who wouldn’t choose that over stomach cancer? Her departure is coming soon enough! Say everything you need to say. Pray everything you need to pray. And it might be good to remember that even while dying the Lord Jesus reached out to someone who believed in him. Hanging from a cruel Roman cross, Jesus reminded the thief next to him: “Today you shall be with me in paradise.” This means that what we seek to outrun our whole lives, our final enemy, will ultimately catch up to us and overcome us. This is the nature of death. But in his victory over death, Christ has made our worst enemy our best friend. And he has turned our saddest day, our final day, into a commencement ceremony of graduation into a new forever kind of life. Until that day, your mom still belongs to God but he is loaning her to us for a little while longer. Make sure her last days are comfortable, precious, full of smiles and full of hope. Paradise awaits.

Rev. Jon T. Karn
pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org