Question: I am a widow and in my early 80s. I’m fortunate to have good health and a wonderful family. I also have a housekeeper who comes in every other week. What I’m not good at doing is making good meals for myself. Because of this, my kids want me to move into an assisted living facility where all meals are provided. Even though I don’t cook much, my health has not been affected. Lately, the kids have become more insistent about leaving the home I’ve lived in for 50 years and where they were raised. I tell them when I’m ready to move I’ll let them know, but they’re not listening. Is there a gentle way to tell them I don’t want to hear any more about this?

~ Happy Where I Am

Dear Happy Where I Am,

There are two ways we can look at your issue of concern. One of them is practical, the other is spiritual. Both have their place and together they can work very well in addressing your concerns.

Let’s first deal with the practical. There are two pillars to be considered as an elderly person remaining in their home. One is mobility, the other is being able to care for themselves. Being able to feed yourself properly is one of the core considerations for the latter. When that becomes an issue, assisted living is one solution … but not the only option. There is signing up for Meals on Wheels, which is an excellent program designed for people specifically like you. The added advantage is that someone is checking in with you everyday.

If that doesn’t appeal to you, then you might also want to speak with your doctor who can run a simple blood test to see if you are getting enough protein and other nutrients and who can set you up with a qualified dietitian to help you come up with simple and easy to prepare meals on a daily basis that meets your necessary nutritional requirements. I have a friend who makes very simple, nutritionally dense meals using only his microwave. Not one of the ingredients he uses are canned or packaged other than using packaged frozen vegetables and fruits. What’s more, dinner takes all of 15 minutes to prepare. So with a little professional guidance, thought, imagination and incentive, feeding yourself properly at home with not a lot of effort may be a very doable option for you that will help address your needs and you family’s concerns.

The other approach to this is spiritual. I read a saying recently that goes like this: “At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end.” Life is less a happening as it is a creating. First comes the creating, then the happening.

Creation is an ongoing process and we have the freedom to always begin again without limitation. What we believe, what we say and what we think have great power to determine our outcome and experience. The problem is those thoughts, words and beliefs can all be shaped either by a desire for our good or fear. The one that wins is the one to which you give more attention, credence and confidence. You have been dealing with a lot of fear thoughts coming from your family that are based on their care and concern for you but which are contrary to what you consider as your good – namely being able to remain in your own home. There is no need to fight and argue with them over this. It can all be handled creatively and effectively on the inside through affirmative prayer.

When Jesus said in Matthew 17:20-21 that prayer can move mountains, I have discovered through experience he was telling the truth. And, Jesus added, by using the prayer of faith (i.e., a belief that the good you pray for will actually happen) “nothing will be impossible for you.” So here is a little affirmative prayer to help you; speak it daily and repeat it whenever you are concerned or feel challenged by fear (either you or your family’s); remember it really does have the power to remove this mountain that has appeared in your life. “I know this truth – God is always with me, leading me, protecting me and guiding me in support of my good, my health, and my happiness. I know that I am allowed to remain in my home and all that is needed to support my decision is provided me in easy and miraculous ways without any trauma, drama, stress or strain; and that both me and my family are blessed with perfect peace of mind and harmony on this issue, and that I have their unconditional support for my decision. I give thanks for this wonderful realization and blessing. And so it is. Amen.”

Anthony Kelson, RScP
Center for Spiritual Living – La Crescenta

Dear Happy Where I Am,

Congratulations on your good health and wonderful family!

I wish I could ask you how long you haven’t made good meals for yourself and how long your kids have wanted you to move because of it. And what does “not good meals” mean?

For example, does it mean that you don’t have balanced meals with protein, vegetable and starch? As long as you get enough protein for your muscles and bones and vegetable/fiber to keep the system running properly, it doesn’t matter if you eat those things at the same meal or spread out throughout the day. You say that your health is not affected by your lack of cooking skills.

Perhaps once or twice a week the kids might like to ameliorate the situation by cooking a good meal at your house and leaving you with leftovers. This would be a great opportunity to socialize and spend time together as a family.

I really dislike suggesting this but is there any chance the kids are looking to sell the house or use the house for something? I am led to ask this because you said it was only “lately that they have become more insistent about leaving the home.”

You must stick to your wisdom concerning this. Have they often become insistent when having a differing opinion to yours? Have they often not listened when you tell them things like you will move when you are ready?

Here is a gentle way to tell them: “Thanks so much for your concern. I really appreciate your attention and regard. However, I have told you what is true for me and I expect you to listen and hear my answer. I am not ready to leave my home of 50 years. I will keep you informed if this changes. That must be the end of discussion on this matter.”

You cannot let them bully you, no matter what is their agenda.

Question: My beloved wife of 56 years and I were recently traveling in Israel when she died unexpectedly of a heart attack. Along with the shock of her passing, I had a very difficult time having her body returned to the United States, which I feel has traumatized me. My kids have accepted my wife’s passing but I am experiencing inconsolable sorrow. I cannot seem to get over the loss of my wonderful wife.

~ Depressed

Dear Depressed,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. For lack of space, here are some brief thoughts: 1) Grieving is a process, not an event. It takes up to a year or more to heal because of special events without your wife (birthdays, anniversary, holidays). Give yourself time. All grief victims heal at different speeds.

2) Seek out a grief recovery group (check out griefshare.com for a group near you. You need to interact with others who have also experienced a loss.

3) Look to the Bible for new strength and encouragement (see Psalm 34:18 and other uplifting verses). 

Be assured, I am praying for you!

Dear Depressed,

Losing your wife after more than half a century together leaves a huge void. Not only are you experiencing depression and deep sorrow, but also you live in a home where you are reminded daily of your wife’s absence. The impact of all this, along with the trauma surrounding the circumstances of her death, can be overwhelming.

So give yourself permission to be “inconsolable” for a bit. Even Jesus did. He expressed his sorrow this way: “The sorrow in my heart is so great that it almost crushes me.” (GNV Mt. 26:38) He allowed himself to experience the deep grief of his emotions and eventually came to an acceptance of his circumstances. 

The grieving process is a season and a journey, not an “event” to put aside and move on from. With your wife’s recent death, you’re just beginning this journey. One of the best things I can see from your letter is that you are not trying to minimize your emotions or the significance of your loss. You are acknowledging and expressing them, which is one of the signs of “healthy grieving.”

Having experienced the death of my spouse almost three years ago, I’ve found it therapeutic to be able to bare your soul with a few close friends who will just listen and won’t try to “fix” things. The more we’re able to share our feelings, our memories of our spouse and our relationship, the more we will heal and be able to grow through our grief.

You might consider grief counseling, as I did, or join a grief support group such as griefshare.com where you will find others who are walking out the journey and have many of the same emotions and challenges you have.

When it comes right down to it, each of us must grieve in our own way, according to our own personality and style, taking the time we “need” to heal and move forward, as you will eventually.

Knowing the journey, I’m praying for the healing of your heart.

Pastor Dabney Beck
Church On The Way, Van Nuys
Timanddabney@gmail.com