Reprinted from April 16, 2013

Question: I’m the stepdad of a 7-year-old boy with learning disabilities. I’m having quite a time being patient with the little guy even though I dated his mother for three years before we married. My stepson didn’t seem to be as much of a problem during those years as he is now. I know how important self-esteem is because my own father berated me constantly, and it took some doing and a lot of therapy to become the person I am today. I want to be a good dad to him because he doesn’t know his own dad.

Is there a spiritual way to deal with this problem?

~ Troubled Stepdad

Dear Troubled Stepdad,

This is a difficult letter but the way you ended says so much about your heart in this situation. First, you say you want to be a good stepdad to this special boy. Second, you are searching for a spiritual way to deal with this problem. I can’t help but think you’re on the right track already.

You went into this marriage with your eyes open, didn’t you? You had an idea of what to expect. Perhaps God was preparing you for fatherhood for three years while you dated the boy’s mother. Let me be as practical as I can be.Here are seven suggestions that, to me, seem like Godly responses to this difficult situation: 1) Consider this boy not as your stepson but as your biological son. He needs a dad. That’s you. He’s not your wife’s son. He’s your son. Now you have an opportunity to be what your dad wasn’t. 2) Learn more about what this little guy faces developmentally. Can you learn more about his disability? You are blessed by God to have the clear-headed intellect you do. But what if you didn’t? Would your life be like his? God put an angel of mercy in this boy’s path – you. 3) Have his doctor describe what life is like through your son’s eyes. You may have a good idea of this already, but hearing it from his doctor is really something. 4) Find a support group for parents who deal with the same issue. You are not alone. This would be helpful for mom, too. 5) Find an activity to do together that is fun for you both. Do it often. Then watch for God’s hand at work. 6) Look for ways to ease your wife’s burden. She needs you, too. Fortunately, you have broad shoulders. 7) Perhaps I should have listed this last one first. Pray. Pray for grace. Pray for strength. Pray alone. And consider praying with your wife. This is a hard thing you are doing! Ask God to keep you strong wherever and whenever you feel weak.

Perhaps God has designed this situation to be too hard to do by yourself. Maybe He is waiting to hear from you about this a little more than He does.

In the meantime, I’ll send up a prayer too.

Dear Stepdad:

The first question you asked is, “Is there a spiritual way to deal with this problem?” Well, being spiritual will help but it will not solve the situation on its own. Much as a broken leg needs a doctor, issues of learning disabilities and the dynamics it causes in the home, need professional help as well.

So prayer is important – it sounds like you know the comfort that can be gained from prayer and having others pray for you. But I believe your best bet is to get into some short term therapy with someone who deals with special needs children to gain the support and learn the tools you need for you, your wife and the child to flourish.

Raising someone with special needs can be hard on not only the child but the entire family. You probably were not exposed to the ins and outs of what mom did every day. But being what it is, and the fact that you care about this child and have already taken his self esteem into consideration, I recommend giving therapy and perhaps some special needs parenting classes a try. You can certainly choose a therapist who brings spirituality into it. I hope this helps.

You are a good stepdad to reach out for help to assist not only this child but yourself.

Rev. Kimberlie Zakarian
kimberlie.zakarian@gmail.com