Question: I am having a conflict with my brother regarding my mother’s estate.

My mother passed away without leaving a will. The attorney managing her estate said that my brother and I are to divide her estate evenly. My brother insists that Mother told him she was going to make him the executor and leave everything to him, but there is nothing in writing.

Now my brother is resentful and angry towards me. When he does bother to return my calls he is very difficult to deal with and the conversations end without a resolution. I tell him Mother would want us to share and get along, but he will not hear of it. It has been some time now since Mother’s passing, but he won’t sign the necessary papers and has only let me have a few of Mother’s items.

I love my brother but I’m in turmoil about how to communicate with him. I’m ready to let him have all my mother’s belongings if that’s what will keep our relationship in harmony but I know my mother would not want that.

Should I walk away from it all to keep the peace? I am open to any suggestions of how to deal with him.

~ Sibling in Turmoil

Dear Sibling in Turmoil,

My condolences on the loss of your mother. It must be doubly sad to be in conflict with your brother over her estate. It’s generous of you to be willing to forgo your share to quiet your turmoil. If there are other relatives or close family friends who might have insight about her actual desires and you haven’t discussed the situation with them I encourage you to do so. If your mother did promise her estate to your brother she may have mentioned it to others. In any case you might find comfort in reminiscing about her.

You mention there’s an attorney managing her estate; perhaps he or she can communicate with your brother. Sometimes there is less emotion involved with a professional than between siblings. Of course, legal fees are likely to reduce the inheritance.

Mother’s Day is next month. That might be a good time to get together with your brother and resolve the issue. Perhaps a frank conversation about why he is so insistent will give you some relief. He may have felt your mother favored you or was hurt in some way. Maybe you can offer to give him your share after he signs the papers. There may be inheritance and other tax issues so check with your own attorney.

I wish you the best in settling this difficult situation.

Your dilemma is an excellent lesson for everyone to do estate planning. Make it easy on your heirs; think about how you would like your affairs and assets handled should anything unexpected happen to you. Death or incapacitation can happen at any age. Things to consider include an advanced directive for health care, cremation or burial plans, who will handle your daily needs if incapacitated, what will happen to your pets, and distribution of personal assets. Document and share your choices with loved ones. Also be sure to have named beneficiaries on all retirement, bank and credit union accounts. Most importantly, let everyone you love know it as often as you can.

Peace,

Sharon Weisman

Dear Sibling,

What separates families as effectively as money? You know you’re not alone, right?

I’m sorry you’re in this predicament. People say that money is the root of all evil. It isn’t. The love of money is the root of all evil. That’s what the Bible says and it is proven true every day all around the world.

You should be worth more to your brother than your mother’s possessions. You know this. This is why it is so troubling to you.

As for who was promised what, if your mother had wanted your brother to inherit all she would have written that down and shared it with her lawyer. I’m no legal expert so I don’t know the procedure for breaking the legal logjam in order to sign the papers. If you relent and let your brother have what your mother wanted left to you then you will know the value your brother places on a relationship with you: things over people. What a sad testament to your brother! And how sad it would make your mother.

You may have to secure an attorney of your own to move things along. I hope that won’t be necessary. But it certainly is worth asking your mother’s attorney for advice.

Short of that, there are some things you might try: 1) Seek to meet face- to-face. Tell him you’ll buy him dinner. It’s much more difficult to be recalcitrant to a live person sitting in front of you. 2) Suggest seeing a counselor or arbiter together. They’re not just for married couples. 3) Does he truly want all your mother left? Perhaps if you two could hammer out a list separately and then show it to each other you might find that you two want different things from her estate.

I confess, I’m not sure I would want an ongoing relationship with a brother who valued mom’s possessions over me. As a matter of fact, the more I think about it the madder I get. Do you really want to buy a relationship with him? You could ask him candidly to choose between two simple options: All of your mother’s stuff or a relationship with you. What would he say? The answer to that tells you a lot.

Rev. Jon T. Karn
Light on the Corner Church
Montrose
pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org