Question: Our 10-year-old son Tim left his bike in the front yard when he came in to have lunch. Just when he was going back outside, the little boy Jason from next door was riding the bike back to our house. He had taken it without permission.

Jason’s dad left him and his mom when Jason was only 18 months old. We get along great with his mom Joan. We think Joan should know that Jason took the bike without permission and we will tell her. However, when this all came about we thought it’d be a good idea to get Jason a bike. And then it became somewhat complicated. Tim said why should he have a new bike? You can give him mine and get me a new one. What do you think we should do? Undecided

Dear Undecided,

When my oldest daughter was 5, I began leading a Christmas toy drive for children in need. Each year during the first week of December we would take her to the toy store to choose a toy that she really wanted – and then have her place it in our donation bin. She would stand on her tiptoes as a Barbie convertible or plush Disney princess doll fell out of sight.

Fifteen years later, she remembers how she felt: grateful for what she had (more toys than she needed) and happy to share with others. It goes against all of our instincts to have our children feel disappointment or envy when someone gets a new bike or toy. But that emotion can also be turned toward thankfulness and contentment.

Perhaps your son can help choose the bike to be given as a gift? Maybe help him consider how a neighbor with a bike means more adventures for them both? And, as parents, you can take note of what your son chooses – there’s always a birthday or holiday to surprise him.

In the meantime, consider the gift you are giving your son – consideration of others, generosity that goes above and beyond and a small act of self-denial. These are practices that take practice and as children the lessons learned can become a lifelong memory.

Dear Undecided,

There are a few mysteries yet to be uncovered. For example, has “Jason” “borrowed” the bike without permission at any other time? Is it usual for him to ride your son’s bike even with permission? Or is this the first time he has taken and ridden it?

If he has never ridden it, then it is concerning that he would just take it because it was available in the front yard. Jason should be made to understand what is and is not allowed in the situation.

But if I go by the general direction of your description, I surmise that you have a pleasant neighborly relationship with “Joan.” Also that the boys have played together many times before. If that is true, it would be a good first step to talk with her and give her a summary of events.

After you bring her up-to-speed on what has happened, tell her that “Tim” suggested to give his old bike to Jason. This is assuming that it would be okay with her to accept your gift. Then buy your own son a more grown-up bike as he must have aged some since he got the one you will give away. Then they can ride together!

Be sure to speak to Joan first in any case. Tell your son to store his new bike more carefully as the next time it may be actually stolen.