Question: Our nephew who recently graduated from college has a job here in California. His parents live in another state so he asked if he could stay with us until he gets his first paycheck. This has turned into the second and third paycheck. He still hasn’t moved. Is there a gentle way of getting him to move without upsetting the apple cart? – Loving Aunt

Dear Loving Aunt,

The first steps out into the world as an independent young gentleman can be terrorizing. The certainty of a family connection in the face of an unknown life adventure (such as living independently on your own) can be a difficult final attachment to give up in light of the fear and uncertainty a leaving entails. But you are right: it is time for him to spread his wings and leave the family nest. So the question is, how to handle this? There are two ways: a pragmatic and a spiritual.

The pragmatic way is to sit him down, acknowledge the uncertainly, fear and concern he might have being fully on his own and all the responsibilities that entails. But it is time to take that final step. You may wish to tell him that you were happy to assist him part way in that transition. But you feel your part in that, as an unintentional and unexpected landlord, must now come to an end if he is ever to hope to become a fully responsible and functioning adult. Be encouraging, supporting and reassuring that he can make it on his own. There will be challenges but like many other young people before him he will successfully meet them in spite of his fears and doubts. This, of course, is the hard solution. No one likes to have confrontations and face creating possible and unintentional family problems because of it. But taking a positive and supportive attitude, rather than a resentful one, should yield positive results.

The other solution is the spiritual one. I have often shared on here the Ernest Holmes saying (Holmes is the author and founder the Science of Mind) that to change anything going on outside you (even when it involves another person) all you really need to do is to change your thinking, and the situation will change by itself. Why is this? For whatever odd reason there is, life reflects back to us what we think/feel/imagine into it. We can think/feel/imagine either fear thoughts or positive thoughts (life doesn’t care), and life will deliver it or provide its perfect equivalent solution back to us. It’s uncanny how this works when you finally begin to recognize it.

In this case, we can use affirmative prayer to manifest the solution you wish to see that is good for you and the young gentleman while at the same time avoiding the imagined risks of a confrontation and retaining family good will. Here is a brief affirmative prayer you can use to heal this situation for the good of both of you. Please say it once a day (or whenever you feel mentally challenged) until the resolution appears. But here is the important part. You have to believe that what you ask for is going to happen. Ernest Holmes once said (and is often widely quoted): “Ask, Believe, Receive.” So ask and then just relax knowing/believing the perfect solution will appear.

“My nephew is a beloved son of God. He is brave, adventurous and confident. Goodness rises up to meet and support him in anything he may undertake or in any situation he may undergo. I know that the perfect living situation for him outside of our house, and on his own, perfectly manifests in a place that is affordable, comfortable and makes him happy to be there. I also know that the transition into this new residence goes quickly and easily to the happiness and satisfaction of all involved. And so it is. Amen.”

Anthony Kelson, RScP
Center for Spiritual Living La Crescenta

Dear Loving Aunt and Uncle,

First, thank you for housing your nephew during this time of transition in his life. As you know, housing in California is expensive, so I am sure he appreciates the help you are giving him. And because housing is so expensive, it might take more than one paycheck for him to find another place to stay.

Second, while it is sometimes inconvenient to have someone staying in your house, it is always good to offer grace and love. In 1 Peter 4:8-10 it states, “Above all, maintain constant love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaining. Like good stewards of the manifold grace of God, serve one another with whatever gift each of you has received.” Right now, you are serving your nephew by offering him a safe place to live and you are showing him what it means to offer love and grace in the process.

Third, while it is good to offer him a place to stay it does not mean he has to stay forever. You might encourage him to begin looking for another place to stay and even take him to see other housing options. Maybe someone you know has a room to rent or a tiny home in their backyard that is available. In the process of helping him find a place to stay, you are also helping him use his own gifts and talents to make his way in the world. Then, at some point, he too can serve others by using the gifts God has given him.

It is not easy especially when it is family. I hope and pray that love and grace will be the foundations upon which you continue to build your relationship with your nephew.

Blessings,

Rev. Karin Ellis
Pastor at La Cañada United Methodist Church