Reprinted from May 12, 2016

Question: I was walking by my daughter’s bedroom and overheard a conversation between her and a friend. The conversation was about sex and I distinctly heard her say, “This is the year I want to lose my virginity.”

I was shocked! She is 17 and just graduated from high school. Believe it or not, I was a virgin when I married, so premarital sex is totally out of my realm of understanding. I personally believe making love should be between two people who love each other and not just for the heck of it.

My question is, should I talk to her? I wasn’t eavesdropping – I just happened to hear the conversation. And, if I talk to her, what do I say?

~ Distraught Mom

Dear Distraught Mom,

I’m sorry you’re confronted with this scary situation. Can I begin with some perspective framing observations?

1. It’s late in the game for this conversation. Your daughter has been bombarded with this for years. (Thank you, Beyonce, et al.) How could you not suspect this already anyway?

2. Thank God there’s a difference between what we say and what we mean.

3. These days, there is comfort that this statement by your daughter happened at 17 instead of 13. Our culture so thoroughly bullies girls into becoming sexually active as early as possible.

4. Are you saying your husband was the first guy you ever loved?

Really? You were a virgin when you got married (thank God for that – let that be a joy to you forever). You said: “I personally believe making love should be between two people who love each other and not just for the heck of it.” What if your daughter falls in love this year? Should she not make love? What if she loves him, like you said? If she loves him, doesn’t that make it all right?

According to the standard you’ve given here, isn’t she supposed to have sex at 17 then?

I say this because it’s important to get this nailed down in your thinking before you talk to your daughter about this, which you must. What do you truly believe about this? Didn’t you have one standard for yourself back then and another for your daughter today? 

It’s been years since Tina Turner sang, “What’s love got to do with it?” And Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young sang, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” 

The sexual revolution is old now. We discovered it didn’t work well. The popular music of our culture is a constant drumbeat to get girls to pull their pants down. Have you ever heard a hit song praising the virtue of waiting till marriage? Of course not. Yo never will. Virginity is mocked in America today. Is this what you want for your daughter? 

So are you saying your daughter should do what you did and wait until she’s married? I do. After years of listening to couples, I know three things:

1) Men and women are at their dumbest when dealing with each other.

2) The human heart is deceitful and desperately wicked. (This is in the Bible.) It lies to you about love. (Love whispers “Wait.”Hormones shout “Now!”)

3) Moses and Jesus say that a man will leave his father and mother, join his wife and then the two shall be one flesh. Notice the progression? Leave. Join her. Then become one.

This is what you did. This is God’s design. This is what gives a baby two parents, a family. 

You better do better than just talking about love. Love her and tell her the truth. Tell her just how single-minded and focused men can be about … Just. One. Thing. Ask her how she feels about STDs or being a single mother. Ask her how she feels about following her mom’s godly example. Ask her how she would feel about being able to give her young husband something she’s never given anyone before.

Our godless culture world preaches that we’re really just animals – mate and move on. God knows better. So do you. Tell her.