QUESTION: After five years of marriage and two beautiful children, my son’s wife told him she doesn’t want to be married anymore and she’s “not cut out to be a mom.” I’ve observed her with her children and I always thought of her as caring and nurturing. This was a complete surprise to us, and my son is very despondent.

I retired just last year, so childcare isn’t a problem for him. I’m just concerned about his state of mind. He did tell me he has to be strong for his little ones, two girls ages 3 and 18 months. Church has always been a big part of our lives and continues to be. Please help me (and my husband) with suggestions to help our son.
~ Worried Parents



Dear Worried Parents,
As a parent myself I relate to your deep concern for your son. Divorce – whether consensual or not – is very unsettling, and going through it with two young children can be especially difficult. You indicate it was a surprise to you that your son is despondent and you’re concerned for his “state of mind.” I understand your desire to want to help your son in any way you can, but it sounds like he’s coping with his loss by focusing on his children.

Have you spoken to someone at your church to help process your own grief? A divorce affects everyone in a family and your son will be looking to you to also be strong for him. Be there for him with an open mind, an open heart and acceptance. Letting go of “What was” allows us to open up to “What is” with hope and faith for a better future. And practice Gratitude for all the good that is in his life now – two beautiful healthy daughters, parents who love and support him unconditionally, and a relationship that (while ending) was a source of love and comfort.
The best way you can help him (besides babysitting) is to know the truth for him (your granddaughters and daughter-in-law), that they are perfect, whole and complete and that they are surrounded by love.

As spiritual beings we are all on our own spiritual journey and our lives are unfolding perfectly for our growth and upliftment. Focusing on gratitude, love and forgiveness will help everyone move forward.
With Blessings and Love,

Dr. Rev. Ellen Contente


revellenfaith@gmail.com
Dear Worried Parents,
It is unfortunate that your son’s wife began to develop negative feelings and concepts about her role as a wife and a mother and apparently did not talk with her husband about it before it reached a point of no return. However, he does have two precious little girls who need his love and attention! Whatever went wrong he cannot fix at this time, but he needs to keep from allowing this undesirable situation from having any additional negative impact on his girls by how he handles it moving forward.

Sometimes the best way to deal with a situation like this is to look to the future and do the things, which make for a better tomorrow. He may have guilt, anxiety or remorse about his part in how things got this way, or he may have been completely blindsided. Either way, he cannot do anything about the past and should focus on his future and his girls.

If his wife was feeling this way and failed to communicate it to him, he may be avoiding future damage to his girls by allowing her to move on. Her confusion and lack of healthy self-awareness might have had a more devastating impact on the girls had she stayed in the relationship.

He can best prepare himself for the day in which she “comes to her senses,” if ever, and think through how to handle her future role in the girls’ lives. He needs to accept what has happened, deal with any part he played in the situation and develop a strong strategy for his and his daughters’ future. He should try to keep his wife’s instability and immaturity from “haunting” him emotionally and prayerfully move on in his life.

Looking to the Lord and God’s word for encouragement and support can be a valuable part of his life at this time, strengthening himself rather than getting lost in his pain and sorrow. Tragedies sometimes gives us an opportunity to find what is right in life and what will work, rather than focus on the wrong and get lost in it.

Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path!”

Pastor Terry Neven
www.thegathering.today
thegathering.socal@gmail.com

QUESTION: Most of the time, it’s the older members of a family who are concerned about the younger ones. This time, the tables are turned. My grandma is 70 years old. My grandpa passed away unexpectedly from an aneurism about a year ago. Up until that time, we had a great family life – together on holidays and special occasions, and occasionally we’d vacation together. Now it seems my grandma is too busy for us. She is going out to bars and staying out late. My parents think it’s okay, that she’s just letting off the frustration of my grandpa’s life that was cut short (he was only 70 as well).

My brother and I, who are in our late teens, totally disagree because this isn’t like the grandma we know. Should we talk to her? Is this any of our business? We love our grandma and don’t want anything to happen to her.
~ Love Our Grandma


Dear Love Our Grandma,
How wonderful that you have a grandma that you care so much about that you take the time to request advice! In doing so, you’re showing how much you love her and love elicits more devotion than any other human quality. We learn patience, kindness and tolerance when the behavior of those we love is not exactly how we would like it to be. Your grandma is probably experiencing a whole range of emotions since the loss of her husband and at the moment she’s probably sorting out those feelings in a way that works best for her. It sounds like she is not aware that her behavior is perceived as stepping away from her family during this difficult time.

In Science of Mind we believe that we can’t change anyone; however, we can change the way we view someone’s behavior and the way we respond to it. When we do, the situation generally changes. At the moment you may not know why your grandma is acting in what feels like a hurtful way to you, but start with what you do know and that is how missing her makes you feel.

Sometimes saying what you feel can be difficult and scary because you don’t know how the other person will respond. If that’s the case try the following suggestions: 1) Tell your grandma what you have observed – for example, you notice that she is not as present in your life since grandpa died and she’s spending most of her time doing other things rather than being with the family; 2) Express your feelings – try to be as succinct and direct as you can and let her know the impact her behavior is having on you, such as, “I feel sad because you don’t make the time for our family like you used to when grandpa was alive;” 3) Express what you need from your grandma – let her know you need to see more of her and tell her why. For instance, “I miss the family closeness and the fun we had together;” 4) Suggest a concrete action that you desire. Perhaps you want to have a family get together a couple of times a month or dinner together once a week. Whatever it is, let her know what you want to see happen with her and the family.

If you try the above suggestions, your grandma will most likely be glad to hear that she means so much to you that you would share your feelings and will be thrilled to discover how important it is to you that she stays a part of your life. Expressing the way you feel is the key to keeping and building any relationship. In the end you will feel much better for letting your grandma know what’s going on in your heart.

In Light,

Rev. Mary Morgan

mormari@aol.com

Dear Grandma Lovers,
Boy oh boy, am I with you! Who wants to see their grandma at the bar after one too many, dirty dancing after midnight with some truck driver named Buck she just met? Truth is, the stuff you know about is driving you nuts. Think about the stuff you don’t know about! This situation is getting worse even as I’m typing!

What happened to grandma!? Your grandma! I wonder how often this happens anyway when a wife behaves like she’s supposed to for years, keeping her marriage happy, scandal-free and conventional when all the while there’s a part of her that is yearning to be free from the image she has so carefully cultivated. (I had a birthday this week. 70 is a long ways away but it’s looming larger than ever before.) It’s like a testimony of years of respect for your grandpa. She honored his wishes for years. Now it’s time for recess and the bell has rung!

I understand her newfound freedom. But it is startling and disappointing to the grandkids. It’s certainly not the grandma you came to know. Speaking of grandma, is it the woman you miss or is it the role you miss? Chances are very high she’s the same woman as before.

I suspect your parents are on to something. They saw and knew things you never did about this woman. This reminds me of a lesson I recently learned. Our church has a concert series and every Palm Sunday evening we host a rock and roll concert. We just call it Oldies Night or Dinner at the Diner. We do the Beatles, Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis, Buddy Holly and Elvis. I tend to think of rock and roll as my music, designed to horrify my parents. But actually, rock and roll is older than I am, significantly older. You should see the room. It’s filled with white hair! People are singing along to “Jailhouse Rock” because, in truth, it’s their song. It’s their music. To me, they look like they should be home watering the plants and making cookies.

I shout at them: “Are you guys ready to rock!?” Everybody cheers, seniors included. And my world becomes confused. It’s just weird, man. Truth be told, other than some unavoidable physical changes, they’re 19 years old. They’re really teenagers inside. My goodness – even Billy Graham said something like this recently about how he thought about himself! Sounds weird to me. But I believe it.

Your grandma got a second chance to be 19 again. And it’s fleeting. She knows it’s fleeting. And now grandma is being naughty. I’m sorry. I wish it weren’t so. I hope she doesn’t take up with some guy in a van and join a rock band. We’d all hate that. I know I would.

But just suppose she did something like that – would it be wrong?

Jon Karn, pastor
Light on the Corner Church
pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org