QUESTION: We have a family dilemma. Our son has one more year of college after this term and his fiancé has two more years. They want to get married in June. My husband is insisting they both finish college before marriage. His reasoning is that his own education was interrupted when we married and it took him almost 12 years to finish his degrees. He says he’s not sorry he married but believes “life gets in the way” and education falls by the wayside.

We’ve had some heated discussions about this and a black cloud is hanging over our family. The kids want our blessing for their marriage. I’m okay with them getting married and I think it’s up to them to decide.

Is there a way out of this mess so we can enjoy the Christmas Season? Agreeable Mom

Dear Agreeable Mom,

Thank you for your letter. I think we all have these kinds of situations that can lead to family problems. As I read I understand that on the one hand your husband is very clear about his opinion and wants them to wait. On the other you have your son who is clear about what he and his fiancé want to do. You seem to be in the middle of all this and wanting to find a solution to end the controversy.

I have performed many weddings through the years, and no couple is the same when it comes time to plan and execute the wedding ceremony. So my first question is how elaborate of a wedding does the engaged couple want? I was married during my graduate program and that semester was difficult because we had to juggle all the work for the planning with school. We had a fairly simple ceremony but still there were many details to plan. The advantage was our friends in school were able to attend and we were married on campus, so we treasure that moment in time. The disadvantage was we did not have our full attention on our studies. So timing of the wedding is important.

Second, I wonder who is paying for all of this? If you and your husband are contributing this gives you more of a say. But this does not mean you can manipulate them into going along with your point of view by withholding money if your opinion is different than theirs. So it is important to reach some sort of compromise so no hard feelings are caused by withdrawing support to pay because your husband disagrees with the timing.

Third, I am wondering if there are other issues besides the timing of the event. Communication can be healthy and unhealthy. A key component to communication is listening to one another and understanding one another’s viewpoints so you can put into words what the other is really saying. How well do you all communicate with one another about other issues or choices you make? Is this argument characteristic of a lack of communication or is it out of the ordinary? Sometimes these kinds of situations can bring out the worst or best in you. So I would hope you can schedule time to sit down and listen to one another, and recognize the importance of finding a way forward for the good of the family.

Generally speaking, I have known couples who get married and this does not stop their education. I have also known couples who have not continued on after being married due to the arrival of children or because being married has refocused their lives. I have known couples who have one partner who will finish and the other will not. So there is no exact decision that is right for everyone. Your son and fiancé need to figure out where their priorities lie and what they plan to do and be able to communicate that well. I think as a parent, I have supported my daughters even when I may disagree with their decisions, and so far they have accomplished wonderful things.

What may be lost in all this is that your son has found someone who is the love of his life. This is a time to celebrate this blessing, to thank God for the gift of love these two young people share. We live in an uncertain world, one full of all kinds of events that can bring us joy or sorrow. A wedding is one of those times we can rejoice and come together in joy. So I pray that as you discuss and plan, the way forward becomes clear and you will have a wonderful event that all can celebrate.

Rev. Steve Poteete-Marshall

planetarypilgrim@gmail.com

Dear Agreeable Mom,

One of the hardest things about being a parent is recognizing when it’s time to let go and let our children make their own decisions – even when we disagree, even though we’d make a different choice – especially when we feel they’re making a mistake.

And it’s even harder as parents when we’re on opposite sides of an issue with our spouse – “A divided house cannot stand.” When you can find the commonality that you can all agree on you will start to heal as a family.

He wants what he believes is best for his son. And obviously your son believes getting married in June is best for his life. There’s the commonality. Everyone wants what’s best!

So … what is best for everyone? In Religious Science, we believe in Divine Principle that as spiritual beings we make use of a spiritual law that allows us to create our own experiences through the power of our thoughts and beliefs [and] the freedom to make our own choices and even mistakes! And I believe we never really make mistakes, we just learn from our decisions and move forward.

You don’t have to agree with someone to love them. You don’t have to agree with their decisions to give them your blessings. Giving your blessing to someone is recognizing their divinity and their unique path on their journey. It is the ultimate form of unconditional love.

To “get out of this mess,” remember ’tis the season of love and blessings. Spend time appreciating all the blessings in your family now, visioning a loving future and leave the past behind. Will “life get in the way?” Absolutely – because life is the way and love points the way!

With Blessings and Love,

Rev. Dr. Ellen Contente

revellenfaith@gmail.com

QUESTION: Here’s my frustration: I’ve never married although I would like to be married. I began praying in earnest for a relationship when I was about 40. Before that, I concentrated on my career. For a while, it looked as though I had met my “one and only” only to find he w

as trolling for women on the internet. That ended that.

Jesus said, “Ask and it is given.” I’ve been asking for over 10 years now. I’ve had a good job with a government agency since my early 20s, so marrying for financial reasons is not a priority. Adam asked God for a companion and He gave him Eve. I just don’t understand why my prayers are not being answered.


~ Lonely Gal

Dear Lonely Gal,

I hear and empathize with your frustration, disappointment and loneliness. Like you, most everyone has created a vision of how they imagine their life would or should look at each part of their live’s journey. Yet with our own choices, decisions and the unexpected twists and turns of life, we often look around our life and wonder, “How did I get here?”

You have reached out in prayer, faith and hope to God and feel as though he is not hearing and keeping his promises to you as in the Scripture that you quoted.

My thoughts for you to consider are these. Although you are not married it seems that you have had success in your career into which you have poured yourself for many years! I am sure there have been many joys and blessings that you can look to in those same years. When you adjusted your life focus to include a desire for companionship and marriage, praying for God to provide a husband, did you also adjust your focus to God’s plan for your life (not only what you had planned)?

I believe if you listen for God and plan with him, not just telling and asking him for what you now have planned, that you will find the fulfillment, peace and amazing blessings that God has had planned all along for your life (whether those plans include a husband or not)!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

My prayer for you is that you will talk and walk with God discovering what he has planned for you and that you will be richly blessed.

Lovingly Your Sister in Christ,

Laura Neven

expressingod@aol.com

Dear Lonely Gal,

Following his instruction on the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus encouraged a shameless persistence in our prayers: “Ask – and continue to ask – and it will be given you” (Luke 11:9).  As the teaching continues, Jesus specifies what the good Father in heaven will give: the Holy Spirit (Luke 11:13). I believe that God does not desire for us to be alone. Companionship is a gift and often that gift comes through a spouse. But Jesus also redefined our understanding of family by calling the disciples “brothers, sisters and mothers” (Luke 8:21). The church, in its reflection of God’s hope for companionship, becomes a meaningful way for people to experience the love of God tangibly.

In the face of unanswered prayers, we often ask questions about our worth:  does God hear me, does God love me enough to answer? In these times, I encourage people to look deeply at the ways God may intend to surprise us with grace and goodness – even if it is not the answer we wish to hear. In your case, I wonder if your desire for companionship may be understood as a desire for connection with God. Paul, in fact, encouraged singleness as a way of expressing “unhindered devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:35). This devotion will inevitably lead you to a community of faith (and it may already have).

I would encourage you to explore the nature of your desire for companionship – if it is not about economic security, what is it about? – and then consider ways in which God intends to meet those desires in Jesus Christ. How can your desire form you in faithfulness to God and compassion for others?

Continue to pray
without ceasing!

Pastor Kyle Searswithout

lcccpastor@gmail.com