QUESTION: My challenge is people who don’t communicate. I’m in an organization where it’s important to let officers know what’s happening. We have individuals who jump ahead, make decisions and even book events without letting our board president know. Their reasoning is that their actions are the best for the club and they have to jump on opportunities when they present themselves. I can’t get much more specific than this or the person(s) who are guilty of this might know who wrote it.

I’ve talked to one individual several times and the behavior persists. Frankly, I’m quite angry and I’m concerned that one day I’ll say something I’ll regret. Your suggestions will be most helpful. Our board president is looking forward to your reply.

~ Out of the Know

Dear Out Of The Know,

You have beautifully expressed one of the most challenging things that any of us humans get to experience in this life … other people! We just can’t seem to make them behave the way they ought to, do the things they should, do those things correctly, or at least agree to the rules we have so thoughtfully set up for them. We think that if we simply point out the same thing, over and over again, they are bound to finally get it. Right?

Well, when I am experiencing those situations, I think of the Serenity Prayer, written by American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr: “God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change …” (that’s other people) “Courage to change the things I can …” (that’s yourself) “and Wisdom to know the difference” (know what is your own and what is not).

Especially when we are working with others in a group or business setting, it is crucial that each individual understands, and takes ownership of, his/her responsibilities. These guidelines must be agreed upon and adhered to by all with crystal clear descriptions of the expectations for the individual’s jobs and duties. I ask you to remember that you are not responsible for anyone else’s actions or inappropriate behavior (like booking events without authority). However, you are responsible for maintaining clear boundaries for how you allow other people to treat you. These boundaries are not for them; they are for you. Without healthy boundaries, we become angry, frustrated and afraid to express our feelings, just as you are now, for fear of the consequences. Essentially, we are the ones drinking poison while we wait for the other person to die.

I would ask you, what is your role in this organization? And why is the board president simply waiting for this reply rather than scheduling an urgent meeting with the board to clarify each person’s role, and level of authority, and to implement protocols that must be adhered to with a consequence of dismissal if violated? And why has this become your own problem?

My spiritual prescription for you is to communicate your feelings, without fear, to mean what you say and to say what you mean, and to read the Serenity Prayer, either out loud or to yourself, every time you feel these stresses coming up for you. Life is too short to allow other people’s choices to prevent you from enjoying all the good that this wonderful life has to offer.

Rev. Karen Mitchell

karen@karenmitchell.com

Dear Out of the Know,

Communication is absolutely vital to the success and harmony of an organization. It seems to me that if a serious future conflict is to be avoided, your board needs to clearly define the responsibilities, authority and limitations of the board officers, board members and any staff that your organization employs. This should be a written policy that is crafted and approved by the board. Some of the questions that should be addressed in this policy should include: What level of authority is delegated to each of the above? What kinds of decisions can each of the above make without consulting the board? What kinds of decisions require the board approval? How much is each of the above authorized to spend without board approval? etc.

Once the policy is set then the board needs to ensure that the policy is followed. If a board member, officer or a staff person exceeds that authority delegated, then appropriate action should be taken.

Finally, given the state of emotions reflected in your letter, your board might want to bring in an outside consultant to guide you through this process.

Pastor Bill Flanders

bill_flanders@att.net

QUESTION: There is an acquaintance in my life by way of mutual friends who finds something wrong with almost everything. I see her in social settings and she always corners me to tell of her latest experience with the dentist who she is going to sue or the carpenter who installed her wood floors incorrectly. She’s always unhappy with someone.

Is there a nice, kind way to extract myself from these conversations? Is there something mentally wrong with people who seem to always draw negative experiences to themselves?

~ Weary Listener

Dear Weary Listener,

There really are lots of good things happening in our world. Yet if we watch the news and read the newspapers, we’re not given that impression much of the time. Unfortunately like many people, your acquaintance seems to have succumbed to pessimism and negative expectations. Unfortunately, when one looks for the negative, they usually find it. That doesn’t mean we have to buy into this way of thinking or indulge it.

Proverbs 17:22 (The Message) says, “A cheerful disposition is good for your health; but gloom and doom leave you bone-tired.” God knows it really is a challenge to keep a positive perspective. His Word tells us, more than 100 times, to “be thankful” and “be grateful.” If we focus on what we are grateful for, it’s hard to gripe and complain at the same time.

We can make a conscious choice to be thankful and encourage others to be the same. The next time you are in conversation with this woman, you might ask her if she realizes how much she seems to be focused on negative things (most people don’t). You can say you’re comfortably assured that, like most people, she would rather to be an optimistic, upbeat, thankful person, but may have allowed her attitude to decline into negativity. You might relate something in your life that you are thankful and positive about. Asking her to relate something that’s she’s thankful for and has been a positive in her life recently, might help to move her in a more constructive direction. Continually focusing her on the positive may take awhile to help her change her negative habit, but hopefully she’ll respond.

If she still insists on continuing in a negative vein whenever you are with her in the future you may have to restrict your time with her and/or purposely include others in a more optimistic conversation, not allowing the lady to dominate with her negativism.

Hopefully, you’ll influence her to adopt a more positive attitude. If not, you can certainly apply an “attitude of gratitude” that will benefit your health physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Encouraging you forward,

Pastor Dabney Beck

dabneyback.ss@gmail.com

Dear Weary Listener:

We all have the full range of various types of friends. When one is the type who finds something wrong with almost everything, we have one of three ways we can handle the relationship. First, we can ignore their rants and try and continue to be their friend. Second, we can shun them and begin to put distance between them and yourself.

But I think the third way could be the best possible way to help them and continue the relationship. The Bible tells us to “do good to all men.” I think having a heart-to-heart talk with them could help. First assure them of your caring friendship with them. Second let them know you are concerned about the things in their life. Then express your concern about the observation that they appear to find the questionable in most of the things you two talk about. Maybe invite them to understand one can find bad in anything, or we can try and look for the positive possibilities in even bad situations.

If they are truly a friend, while they may at first be uncomfortable with your conversation, if you show your continued support in the friendship, your conversation should begin to influence them in a positive way.

Pray for them and with them and see what the Lord can do!

Pastor Terry Neven

thegathering.socal@gmail.com