Question: My son married a girl who he has known since childhood. We lived in the same neighborhood. Our challenge now is they argue frequently and each has threatened divorce. What we don’t understand is, when they were younger before they married, they got along great and they spent a lot of time together.

Our concern is their children, ages 4 and 9. We love our son’s wife like a daughter and seeing this go on is very difficult for us. We took our grandsons for a short road trip and they told us how sad it is for them to hear their parents arguing and not getting along. Did we get an ear full! We were both at a loss for words. What we did tell them was that married life can bring challenges and sometimes the way to get problems out in the open and taken care of is to talk about them. We told the boys that this isn’t necessary arguing; it could be called debating.

Should we tell our son and daughter-in-law what the boys told us? Should we just stay out of this?
~ Grandparents in Despair


Dear Grandparents in Despair,
It’s hard for us when people we love are going through tough times in their relationship, especially when it’s a couple with kids because so many are affected. I applaud you for reaching out to your grandkids – they are experiencing their parent’s disharmony and feeling helpless while trying to make sense of it all. You followed through on perhaps the best thing you can do, which is to listen and be that “safe place” for them to express their feelings. 
If you haven’t already, it may be time to express your concerns to your son and daughter-in-law about their relationship. The discussions you’ve had with their kids were private and were told to you in confidence. However, without disclosing specifically what the grandkids said, you can mention the nature of the conversation. Many times getting things out in the open is the first step to healing. They are struggling in their relationship and may be feeling uncertain about the next step to take. Let them know you’re willing to listen and offer insights to help them through the difficulties. The ability to communicate our needs and express our feelings in a non-hostile way does not come naturally to most people. Good communication is a developed skill. A good book for developing that skill is “Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Life; Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships” by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. Rosenberg defines non-violent communication as “a language of compassion that fosters respect and attentiveness,” the purpose of which is “to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill the needs of both parties (not to change people or their behavior in order to get our way).”

Your willingness to speak the truth to your son and daughter-in-law could give them the courage to step back and make the decision to take a different approach to relating to each other. Remember that the only change you can make is the way you respond to them. The outcome of their relationship is up to them. The most effective way to help them heal their relationship by showing them you care and support them by being the truthful and loving parent that you are!

In Light,

Rev. Mary Morgan

mormari@aol.com

Dear Grandparents in Despair,
First let me say I’m sorry for this sad situation.

Second, let me remind you that you are not alone. Grandparents, good ones like you, experience exactly this kind of problem all over the place. Marriage isn’t getting any easier.

Third, you need to tell the parents, preferably together, what their children are experiencing and sharing about their childhood. Do it softly. You cannot keep them in the dark. Who knows? Your revelation could be the wakeup call that ultimately changes things. Sometimes we don’t see things as clearly as those around us. Can I offer a simple example? Recently I had lunch with a mother and daughter. At one point, this thoughtful mother got her daughter’s attention, smiled broadly and then pointed to her own teeth. Without a word, the thankful daughter quickly got out her cellphone and, with her mirror app, immediately saw what her mom saw. Then she removed a very small piece of cilantro from her teeth. Well, this situation is one giant piece of cilantro! You do your kids no favor by pretending it’s not there.

Fourth, perhaps you could further assist by suggesting a counselor. People hate this, I know. But if you could, when tempers aren’t flaring and emotions are cool, slip them a business card of a qualified counselor who is near them and recommended. This is very different than bellowing out something like, “Why don’t you two nit wits go get some *#@!!)%^ counseling!”

With a wink and a smile, gently slip them a real solution that doesn’t require a difficult internet search for something they don’t want anyway. Sometimes couples need a guide towards a peaceable solution. Sometimes they need a referee! Every marriage is worth fighting for. Every grandchild, too.

You know that marriage comes with no guarantee of peace and tranquility. I’m glad they got along well when they were younger. That was then. This is now. Peace. Unselfishness. Fairness. Love. These can become buried under the pressures of life that come along with marriage.

And pray for your kids and grandkids. “God is not a God of disorder but of peace.”

Rev. Jon T. Karn
Light on the
Corner Church-Montrose
pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org  

Question: We quite accidentally caught our 17-year-old daughter sneaking out of the house at night. My husband was getting a drink of water around 11:30 p.m. and he heard the side gate open. He saw our daughter, fully dressed, walk down the sidewalk. He decided to follow her, keeping his distance, and a block down the street she met up with a boy we did not want her to date. He’s 20 years old and has been in prison for drugs.

The kids sat on the curb and talked for about a half hour. My husband stayed hidden and let our daughter get back into the house and then we both confronted her. We listened to what she had to say which included her defending this guy. Up until now she has always been trustworthy. We told her there would be consequences including taking her car away and there would be more once we decide.

We were so blindsided by this that we really could use some guidance on how to deal with this.
~ Baffled Parents

Dear Baffled Parents,
Raising children is very difficult these days with so many distractions and pressures affecting them. Young people have always fallen in love with those unacceptable to their parents. The situation has been most famously immortalized in “Romeo and Juliet” and “Fiddler on the Roof.” Considering what’s reported in the news around the world, a half hour discussion around midnight is a pretty tame rebellion. Many parents would be delighted to have had the success of 17 years before a child disobeys in a major way.

Your daughter seems to be a thoughtful young woman. I think you can take pride in that.
On the other hand, I don’t have enough to go on to know if your daughter is exercising perfectly reasonable judgment in following her heart or being manipulated by an older man. Factors that would help me decide are: When does she turn 18 and your control change to influence? Is there a full three years in age difference or a bit over two? Has she graduated high school with good grades and is heading for college, or likely to next year, or is she struggling? Was his offense violent? Has he fulfilled all his post-release obligations? Is he self-supporting, going to college or getting other career/technical training? Most importantly, how does he treat your daughter?

Unless the young man has a history of violence, I would consider talking with both young people about their futures. Really listen and watch how they interact with each other. I think this may give you insight on how to proceed. Too harsh consequences may just chase her into his arms.

I wish you the best in guiding your daughter to make her life choices. From the works of art like those noted above and real life stories over the ages, we know parental interference in life-partner selections doesn’t always end well. 

Sharon Weisman

Dear Baffled Parents,
I am a father of an 18-year-old daughter and I can identify with you.

As parents, we want the best for our children and I am glad to see that your

primary concern is your daughter’s wellbeing and safety.

As our children grow, we are oftentimes baffled by the things they do and the decisions they make. What we sometimes forget is that in our youth we also did things that are our parents were not always pleased with. This is part of the process of transitioning from a child to an adolescent and into adulthood. If we get in the way of every decision our children make and try to force them into the exact mold we create for them they will inevitably rebel.

This is not to say that we need to be permissive and allow them to do whatever they want. That approach is equally destructive to a teenage child. I believe our role as parents is to find middle ground between stringency and leniency and to guide our children toward the right path – not force them into it. Force almost never works.

Let us also remember that once a teen turns 18 he or she is legally an adult and will not need parental permission to make life-changing decisions anymore. It is at that point that we must hope that they will continue seeking our guidance since our young adults do not have anywhere near the life experiences that we have. The key to ensuring that a healthy dialogue continues into young adulthood is by treating our children in a reasonable and fair way beforehand.

In conclusion, I know that you are worried about your daughter’s choice of friends – I would be, too. However, the way forward in my opinion would be only through open dialogue and a frank conversation about the negative repercussions of being associated with a person who has a bad record. I would not resort to taking her car away or other similar threats as I feel that, at her age, these kinds of punishments may very well alienate your daughter and thereby damage the most important lifeline she has to keep her on a straight path in the future.

Good luck and keep it positive.

Rabbi Simcha Backman
Chabad Jewish Center