QUESTION: What’s to be done with a family member who has a dependency problem? I have an older sister, age 63, who has always lived with our parents. In addition to a job she is now retired from, she has helped them with housework, caregiving when they were ill, and provided transportation for shopping and doctors’ visits. My two brothers and I have also helped out on numerous occasions.

Now our parents want to sell their home and purchase a home in a local retirement community. Our sister is very angry and complains she has no place to go. Because of her personality and attitude, none of us want to take her in. Is it cruel to tell her it’s time she’s on her own? Is there a compassionate, loving way to handle this?
~ Sister in a Quandary

Dear Sister in a Quandary,
As your parents have made the decision to sell their home, and the fact that your sister has always lived with them, it is understandable that it would be overwhelming and upsetting to her. Life transitions can be exciting and challenging. In this case it can be an exciting time for your folks and certainly a challenging time for your sister, as she doesn’t appear to have anticipated that your parents might decide to leave their home, which she clearly sees as her home as well.

Understandably there is much more to the story of your family’s dynamics in both the relationship between your parents and sister as well as the relationships between you, your brothers and sister. Not knowing how your family communicates when facing family situations, I suggest that as you approach this matter you all consider this Scripture from Ephesians 4:29:  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Because she has always lived with your parents and has been an intricate part of their lives, I believe it’s important for you to take a walk in her shoes to consider how this is impacting her. This could provide you and your siblings an opportunity to be more empathetic to her emotional and angry reaction. You could approach her with an acknowledgement of the significance of the relationship and role she has had in your parents’ lives. While your brothers and you are not in a position to bring her into your homes, you can, as a family, offer loving support and encouragement to assist her in considering her options!  
God’s Blessings,

Laura Neven
expressingod@aol.com

Dear Sister in a Quandary,
Your concerns about how to handle the situation show great empathy. It is always difficult when change occurs, as it takes us out of our comfortable places and requires that we explore a new and different opportunity. You mentioned that your sister seems to have a “dependency problem” and is having a hard time adjusting to a new reality. I would say that it is not “dependency” that is the problem, but rather your sister is having a crisis of identity. It seems to me that your sister has built her identity in the midst of having always had a place and responsibility with the relationship with your parents. She may be reacting the way she is because in this new situation she is not quite sure who she is called to be.

I would recommend that you help her in seeing this as an opportunity to reexamine who she is called to be and where the gifts of caring and support could be used in a new way. She may feel lost for a bit, but with support from the family she may find she is now able to spread her wings and fly a little higher than she was before.

When I find myself in the midst of a new situation, I am reminded of Isaiah 43:19 – “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland” (New Living Translation). Change, though difficult and unsettling, is able to bring new life and a new understanding of who God call us to be.

Blessings in the midst of change,

Pastor Scott Peterson
pastor@lcifoothills.org
QUESTION; Our daughter “Patty” is getting married in January and has asked for a small wedding. This may sound unusual, but she’s our only child and we’d like to give her a nice wedding including relatives and friends. Her reasoning is that we spent a considerable amount of money putting her through college all the way through her doctorate. Although we can afford a large wedding, she’s insistent that only parents attend. Her fiancé, Tom, is also an only child and he agrees.

So, then, we asked about a reception. They don’t want that either and, to complicate this, they don’t want large amounts of cash as a wedding gift from either family. They both have great, well-paying jobs and tell us they want to prove to themselves they can begin married life together on their own. We’ve spoken to Tom’s family and agree that we’ll be in a “stand-by” position, ready to help if we’re needed.

In view of many more problems people have, we’re all still having a difficult time emotionally dealing with the kids’ decision. Shall we start a savings account for them “just in case?” Any suggestions?
~Doting Parents

Dear Doting Parents,
First, let me say how blessed you all are – both from a financial standpoint and from a parents’ viewpoint. You have so much love, appreciation and gratitude within your family. The fact that your daughter and her fiancé want to begin married life “on their own” is testament to the values that both you and his parents instilled in them. One of the hardest things for parents is letting go and allowing our children to make their own choices and decisions for their life. (I know – I’m a parent of 18-year-old twins.) If your daughter wants a small wedding and no reception, then that should be her choice. She may also be afraid that she’d be taking advantage of your good nature and doesn’t want to be dependent on you as an adult.

However, weddings are not just celebrated by the bride and groom, but also by their family and friends. Your daughter may not see it from that perspective if she’s focused on the financial component. Since you can afford to give her a more lavish celebration, perhaps you can suggest you throw them a rehearsal dinner party or a post-honeymoon party. It will allow you to share the day with friends and extended family.

Having said all that, you may still need to honor their decision. There’s nothing wrong with starting a savings account for them for emergencies or helping with a down payment on a home – especially since you have the resources. But most importantly, just be there for them. I was always grateful for the virtual “safety net” my parents provided. They didn’t have a lot of money, but I always knew I could count on them – no matter what!

Give your daughter and her fiancé the gift they truly want – independence! Trust you will know when to step in. Trust you are all guided by spirit. And trust that everything is unfolding perfectly!

Have a beautiful celebration with them! It will be a day they will never forget, so let it be a memorable one!

Sending love & light!

Rev. Dr. Ellen Faith Contente                  

efcontente@gmail.com

Dear Doting Parents,
What a blessing! You have obviously done a great job of raising a wonderful daughter who is not only an unselfish and responsible person, but considerate and appreciative of what you have done for her in providing her a good education. I also commend you for being there for them if needed, but the greatest gift you can give them is to allow them to establish their marriage on a good foundation of love, trust and dependence on each other. To be sure, they may not do things the way you would, but as they take personal responsibility for their life and marriage, they will continue to grow and become strong in their relationship.

It seems that too often today young adults feel entitled to so much more than they deserve and, when parents give them everything, they grow up as irresponsible “takers” instead of “givers.” I have a feeling that your daughter and her husband will be the kind of people who will make a significant contribution to others, which is what most parents want for their children. Even if you are unhappy with their decision to not have a large wedding, I believe if you continue to show them your love and support it will be of greater strength and value to their marriage than having spent a lot of money on a big wedding ceremony.

Proverbs 19:14 in the Amplified Bible states: “House and wealth are the inheritance from fathers, but a wise, understanding and sensible wife is [a gift and blessing] from the Lord.” It appears that your daughter and her future husband understand that the most important part of a marriage ceremony isn’t the size of the audience, but the level of commitment and the sincerity of the vows that they make to each other. Give them the gift of your blessing as they begin this new part of life’s journey together!

Pastor Randy Foster
randy.clc@att.net