QUESTION: Please help us with a “family disagreement.” We have a son (our only child), we’ll call Jason, who is a great kid. He gets good grades, is active in high school sports and doesn’t do drugs. He attends church regularly with us and we often have family discussions about the minister’s message.

Jason recently got his driver’s license. My husband wants to get him a new car for Christmas. I’ll admit he is deserving; however, I’d be more comfortable getting him a good used car with low mileage. Money isn’t the problem.

Jason doesn’t have a clue what we’re considering so I think he’d be happy with a nice used car. What would you do in this situation?
~ Indecisive Parents



 
Dear Indecisive Parents,
Thank you for your letter, I am glad to hear about your son and give praise for making good choices in his life. I can imagine those choices were a result of the values you have taught him. It is not easy to be a teenager in today’s world, although I am not sure if there has ever been an easy time!

I am not entirely sure what the disagreement is all about; it sounds like there are two options you are considering – one is to buy a new car, the other a good used car.
So there are some practical matters to consider, like cost of insurance, depreciation of the vehicle, etc. that should be a part of the discussion. But [since] you have indicated that money is not the issue, I assume you have been through all that. So as I reflect on this situation you are facing, I wonder if you are attaching some significant meaning to each of the options. A new car could mean a number of things to you, and may reflect on what your experience of receiving a car was. For me, my first car was a used one, bought completely with a loan my dad secured. For me, a used car was just as good as a new one because it was in good shape, it was reliable and, when it came time to sell, I ended up selling very close to what I bought it. I was very appreciative of having a car and learned that used cars work just fine.

On the other hand, the gas mileage on that car was horrible and, when I purchased it, the gas crisis was evolving; gas prices would never be the same. So having a new car with better mileage and other more advanced safety features would have been a good investment at that time if we had the money. Two years after I bought the car I moved to Boston and having a big used car was hard, trying to find parking, etc. If I had a smaller newer car that got good mileage, I still would have had an easier time with owning a car in the city.

As a whole, our family has owned more used cars than brand new ones. And we have been fortunate to have good used cars that we could use for many years.

Okay, did I lose you? My point to all this is a used car has its values. But so do new cars. What values do you associate with each option? What worries do you have if you choose one over the other? Have you discussed the pros and cons together?

Whatever choice you make, it should be consistent with what values you have lived by and what you want your son to glean from your gift. A car is just an object; you associate the meanings to it and what values you have. So be clear with you son about what those are when you give the car to him.

Lastly, or maybe firstly, pray and listen to how God may be guiding you as you make this decision. May this gift be one of joy for you and your son.

Pastor Steve Marshall

planetarypilgrim@gmail.com

 
Dear Indecisive Parents,
First – congratulations on raising a son who’s doing so well. It has as much to do with his upbringing as his own drive and determination. You must be very proud! As a parent myself with a son who graduated high school last year, it is truly an accomplishment for both parent and child!

And it sounds like both you and your husband would like to reward his accomplishments with a car, but can’t agree on whether it should be a new car or a used one. Given that money isn’t the issue, what a blessing to be able to afford to give your son such a gift for Christmas. My question to you and your husband would be: What’s the message you want to convey with the car; what values do you want to teach?

A new car could represent that we live in an abundant universe and we are prosperous. A used car could convey either a subtle message of “lack” or undeserving, or a wise financial choice! Everyone knows that a new car loses value as soon as it’s driven off the lot. But if you’ve ever done that (as I have once in my life), there’s nothing like that feeling of owning a brand new car. Which life lesson are you hoping to teach with the car? I would discuss this with your spouse to assist you in arriving at the right decision for your family.

In Religious Science, we believe there is a God Presence at the center of everyone’s being and that power does not know limitation, lack or fear. All the wealth, power and goodness of this spirit are present within us and we experience this good in such a degree as we can accept, believe in and feel it. How much good can we experience, whether it’s wealth, love or possessions? As much as we are equal to.

One last possible option I’ll suggest is to give him a set of keys for Christmas and tell him to pick out whatever car he wants – new or used – within whatever budget you have to spend. Then you all get the “gift” of choice and unconditional love!

Sending Holiday Vroom Vroom Cheer!
Warmly,

Dr. Rev Ellen Contente
revellenfaith@gmail.com

 
QUESTION: I’m a senior citizen who has lost many dear friends this past year. My problem is I don’t seem to know what to say to their families although I want them to know I care. When I attend funerals and memorials, I’m always at a loss for words.

Is comforting others at times of loss a skill? Do you have any suggestions to help me be more effective in communicating the deep sadness I feel for my friends’ families? I always send sympathy cards.
~ Sadly Speechless

 
Dear Sadly Speechless,
The death of friends and family is a very difficult time for most people.

Providing comfort, empathy or support can be very helpful in their grieving process. One of the greatest ways to help that you can give is being in attendance at the funeral or memorial. Your presence alone is of great comfort and it communicates you care. The card you send gives them words of assurance about the connection you have with their loved one. These two things you do say volumes of unspoken words.

I myself will take the approach to say as little as possible. Often in silence we give greater comfort by our presence than any words could bring. Sometimes I see people write in response to death, “I have no words.” What a precious way to honor and respect a life in that no words can suffice to express the importance of a life. Your heart will always convey on behalf of your lips.
Blessings,

Pastor Mark Yeager
verdugohills@live.com

 
Dear Sadly Speechless,
One of the hardest things we must face is the death of our loved ones and friends. As you have experienced this past year, it can become more frequent as we get older. Figuring out how we can best serve the families that are left behind is challenging. No matter what we say, it seems like it isn’t enough. Or we feel that it may sound shallow to say “I’m sorry for your loss” over and over again. As a minister, I have also been faced with your situation. I have asked myself, “Did I say enough?” And “Did I say too much?” Silence seems an easy way to avoid the dilemma, but can make one appear to be uncaring.

I have discovered that there are only two important things to say or do in that situation: First, simply show up and be present (which you are already doing). Be part of their circle of grief. Second, let them know that you are with them through the sadness by saying something simple like, “I am here for you if you need anything” or “We will get through this together” or “You are surrounded by love.” You can then simply give a hug, if you are comfortable with that.

There is no single skillful, magical phrase that you can learn. Go within your heart, listen to that still, small voice, speak from that place of compassion, and just be the Love that you are. That speaks for itself.

Rev. Karen Mitchell
karen@karenmitchellmusic.com