QUESTION: Our three young grandchildren are so privileged and have everything they could possibly ask for. Their
birthdays are special for each one, and their home looks like a toy store at Christmas. I’m not one to
interfere with our son’s family; however, it seems these kids don’t have a clue about children who don’t
have as much as they do.

Is there a way I can suggest to our son that it would be a good idea to help
their children understand that not all children are as fortunate as they are? I don’t want to start a family feud.
~ Concerned Grandma



Dear Concerned Grandma,
I appreciate and understand your concern. In addressing your concern, I would say this is not a matter
to take to your son. Indeed, as strange as it may sound, the power to deal with this issue is all in your
hands. Let me explain.

Growing up, it was my maternal grandmother and my father who were my great moral and ethical
teachers. It was my grandmother, through sharing her own life stories, moral and ethical values and
lessons, who awoke me to the importance of following a path of goodness, kindness and
compassion for others. It was both my grandmother, and my father, who provided the model for me to
follow. I remember one time I was out with my father and (what we referred to in those days as) a
“bum” approached my dad asking for a quarter (money was worth more back then). My mother would
have fled in terror and horror from such an encounter. My father treated the man with great respect and
politely asked him to wait; and we walked a half a block to a nearby drugstore for my dad to get
change for a $5 bill. My father and I then walked back and he gave the man a dollar – much
more than what he asked for. Since that day, I have never walked away from anyone who asked me for
money and I always give them more than what they ask for.

You can be the teacher and the example in your own grandchildren’s lives in both developing gratitude
and appreciation for the goodness and abundance they have, as well as introducing them and helping
them to recognize the importance of blessing, kindness, sharing and caring for others not as fortunate.

Children are a sponge when it comes to life. What moral lesson you choose to share with them, and
how you frame it, will impact them in ways you might never imagine, and do so for years to come. I
would leave any “shaming” of them for what they have, and what you might feel they don’t appreciate,
out of your lessons on goodness towards others. They are not to blame for what their parents have
chosen to give them. Unless a child is a born sociopath, all children have the capacity for great
compassion, caring for, and giving to others. They just need a guide, a role model, to introduce, help
them recognize, and show them the ways to express compassion and goodness towards others.

Nor do
these lessons have to be structured for hours or days. Sometimes a five minute lesson like my dad’s or
a word briefly and appropriately spoken by my grandmother has stayed with and guided me for a
lifetime.
If your contact with your grandchildren is limited, you can use the power of prayer to guide them.

As
Ernest Holmes once said (and I paraphrase), the power to heal any situation outside of us begins inside
of us with prayer. We need not do anything more.

Here is a little affirmative prayer you can say for
your grandchildren that will have great affect. “I know my grandchildren are wonderful, caring, compassionate and giving human beings. Their lives are blessed in so many wonderful ways and they
in turn are a wonderful blessing to others. I give thanks for this great realization, and so it is.”

Anthony Kelson, RScP

anthony@apkelson.com

Dear Concerned Grandma,
Thank you for choosing to maintain appropriate boundaries with your son and his family. There is such value in approaching our concerns as parents of adult children with an open heart and respect for the decisions they must make. Authenticity and transparency will be germane in sharing your thoughts with your son.

Parents in this day and age must make tough decisions and navigate some pretty rough waters at times in their efforts to raise responsible, respectful, and well-adjusted children. Entitlement seems to be thrust at our young ones from all sides, often making the right choices difficult to uncover.

This concept is particularly challenging during the holiday season.

Parents find themselves forced to make decisions based on what will amount to a lesser degree of fallout (for lack of a better term) rather than what would be the more significant life lesson. Proverbs 22:6 empowers us to “Train up a child in the way he should go [teaching him to seek God’s wisdom and will for his abilities and talents], even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (AMP)

As you purpose to respect your son’s right to raise his children in the way he deems best, you may want to approach the issue by subtly reminding him of some of the lessons he learned from you. This approach would be one that doesn’t shame or condemn him, but will both edify his parenting skills and encourage him to broaden the children’s worldview. If he’s amenable, you might offer to tell stories of some of the challenges you or your friends faced as a young person. Perhaps you could seek his agreement in adopting a child through an organization, such as World Vision, and begin to share the “adopted” child’s story with your grandchildren, engaging them in the process. Offering them a broader view of the needs in the world would position them to be solution-focused through compassionate understanding.

Some families begin early in desensitizing their children to the materialistic world in which we live by driving through “tent cities” or depressed areas or by engaging in mission trips to less fortunate socioeconomic regions. These trips don’t even need to be out of the country sadly. There are many opportunities to serve underprivileged people groups locally, such as on Native American reservations, homeless shelters and local food banks.

Scripture reminds us in The Message version that: “Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.” Being authentic with the precepts of our faith encourages us to take the more difficult road in childrearing and in helping our children become stronger in themselves by being selfless as they regard the needs of others.

Praying for blessings as you engage in this critical discussion!

Chaplain Lucinda Guarino
lguarino@ymcafoothills.org

Dear Concerned Grandma,
What a blessing grandkids are! And what an incredible opportunity grandparents have to help shape their lives. The challenge comes, as you’ve stated in your letter, when there’s a difference in opinion between you and their parents in how to do that. Children often struggle with understanding the value of things and what it takes to acquire them. Rather than telling the parents what they should do, I would suggest that you focus on what kind of experiences you can create with your grandkids to help them understand the value of things and help others.
Often parents worry that introducing their children to life’s harsher realities will be too upsetting to them. But the reverse is actually true.

Christine Carter, Ph.D., a sociologist at the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley said, “Ironically, when you expose children to the sufferings of others, they end up feeling grateful for what they have and proud of being able to help someone.” I recently read of a woman, Heidi King, and her husband who every Christmas Eve since her three children (ages 5, 8, and 10) were born have taken the kids to volunteer at a homeless shelter near their house in Tallahassee, Florida.

“We teach them that they have been blessed and that it is their responsibility to help others,” said King. “And I want them to see this as a responsibility – not an option.”

Another good way to help them learn the value of giving to others is to take them to a toy store to pick out a toy that they purchase with their allowance or money they earn to donate at Christmas time to an organization like Toys for Tots or the fire department’s Spark of Love. Be sure to make these teaching moments for your grandchildren by taking the time to engage them in conversation about how it made them feel when they gave things to children who needed them. In doing so, you will help them develop empathy for others and a heart of generosity.

Pastor Randy Foster
randy.clc@att.net

QUESTION: I’ve just been diagnosed with a heart problem, which at this time isn’t life-threatening. I just have to adjust a few things in my life like lose weight and exercise. My husband knows, but I don’t think it’s necessary to tell any of our three adult children. My husband will go along with whatever I decide. Am I wrong not to tell them?
~Undecided Mom

Dear Undecided Mom,
There’s only one answer, in my estimation, to your question of whether or not you should tell your grown children of your recent diagnosis: Yes! If it were a minor adjustment to your lifestyle such as taking an aspirin every day or drinking a glass of red wine at dinner I might say it wouldn’t be necessary to tell your children. But in your case, changing your diet, and the other lifestyle changes that seem to be required of you to reverse the condition could benefit from your entire family’s support. Not telling them is not giving them the opportunity to show up for you, to give you the love and support you could certainly benefit from right now. These are your children. They deserve to know, and it might be a chance to connect as a a family in a way you haven’t before.

Holly Cardone
hollycardone1@gmail.com

Dear Undecided Mom,
Of course the decision as to who you share your health information with is entirely up to you. However, I have discovered several truths during my years of pastoral ministry. One is that secrets rarely remain that for long. At one time or another, they tend to come out, and when they do there is often hurt — hurt that we weren’t trusted with that information. Another thing I learned is that when we share our lives with one another, it bonds us to each other. And when we don’t, it can create distance between us — especially if that information comes out later. But I’ve also learned, that in some families there are some sound reasons for not sharing and that may be the case in your family.

So, to sum up my thoughts. No you are not wrong in not telling them. It is your decision. But, unless there is some compelling reason not to tell them, I would encourage you to do so. Moments like these, when we are able to open up and be vulnerable with each other, can be special moments of bonding.

May God provide the healing you need and the wisdom to make a wise decision.

Warmly,

Pastor Bill Flanders