QUESTION: We’re having a back and forth argument with our son, who is graduating from high school this year. He wants to join the military and tells us he has a deep desire to defend our country and democracy. We’d rather see him go to college because there are so many senseless wars where our soldiers are being sent. To add to our concern, our neighbor’s son lost his life in Afghanistan a couple of years ago. This only made our son even more fiercely defending his position. He promises he’ll attend college when his time in the military is completed. Should we persist in trying to get him to stay home and go to college?
~ Worried Parents



Dear Worried Parents,
Psalms 127:3 reminds us that “Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him.” How blessed you are to have a son who is fast becoming an adult and striving to make adult decisions. I’m sure like all great parents you spent the better part of his childhood teaching him how to make good decisions … how to choose right friends, how to do the right thing and not the wrong thing and how to say “no” to things that would harm him and “yes” to things that will help set a good course for his future. I’m also confident that when he made good decisions you affirmed him and when he made wrong choices you corrected and redirected him.

The decision to join the military or go to college can be based on many factors. Some young adults are not very “book smart” but intuitive when it comes to decision-making and working with their hands. Young people today are very “cause-driven” and want to make a difference with their lives. That sounds like what your son is expressing when he says he would rather go into the military than right off to college. One positive thing about our all-volunteer armed forces is that everyone in them has a reason to be there. In years gone by when 18-year-old males were automatically drafted into military service, there were many serving who were not there because they wanted to be there, which gravely affected whether or not they benefited from their military experience.

I understand your reluctance to support his decision to join the service because of the uncertainty of our times and the dangerous conditions around the world. However, every service member swears an oath to protect and defend our God-given freedoms and that oath will stick with him long after his time in the service has come to an end. The development of soldiers never stops as they are continually challenged to be better and go further than they thought they could. The discipline and life-skills that service members develop can enable them to be better students and certainly lead to a more successful approach to applying their education to life.

Of course you understand that this isn’t an either/or decision since after military service veterans can go on to college as your son says he wants to do. And some branches of the military provide excellent college assistance.

There comes a time in every parent’s life when you have to trust the training you’ve given your children. Just like a coach puts athletes through rigorous training so that, when forced to make decisions in the heat of a game, they are making right decisions. When it comes game time, the coach trusts his training to accomplish what it was meant to do. This isn’t a debate about what’s “better.” It’s about doing what is right for him and as an adult he will have to make that decision. No matter what he does, I’m confident that you will be proud of him and support whatever direction he chooses.

Remember the wisdom of Solomon: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6). These are good verses for you and your son to embrace as a decision is made.

Pastor Randy Foster

randy.clc@att.net

Dear Worried Parents,
This is a tough question for me to answer. Having a son, I can only imagine the fear you are feeling. Adding to that, knowing that a person very close to you died serving his country must make this terrifying.

I understand your desire to dissuade your son. I also empathize with your “need” to try to get him to stay and attend college. I will address that first.

Joining the military can be one of the best college moves your son can make. Once he finishes, his schooling will be paid for. In addition to that, he will be paid to attend college. A win-win. He will also receive medical services for life. Many people do not know all the benefits of being a veteran. So all of these are positives that will come out of your son serving our country.

Now I am going to address the aspect of your question that will be most difficult for you to receive. It sounds like your son has what is referred to as “a call” to serve his country. When people feel a call upon their life it is near impossible to get them to lay it down. A call is a passionate pull to do something with our life in a certain area. Many times parents have to face or embrace a call their children sense upon their life. Your son’s call is admirable. He sounds impassioned and intent on fulfilling it. And I have nothing but respect for a person who feels called to serve our country. It is because of people like your son that we live in freedom. These are men and women who go over and beyond for others. How many people actually do this? Your son sounds like a remarkable, strong, brave, selfless human being. I am honored to even be addressing the parents of a man like this. The rough part is this: When someone has a call, they will almost never be dissuaded from it.

As a parent, I would feel as you do. I would, however, inform him of the pros and cons of serving his country. I would tell him that I was beyond proud to having raised a man with this level of courage and selflessness. And I would still hate the fact that he was going. However, again, I have never seen a person with a call talked out of it. That is just not how calls work.

What you can do is inform, accept, support, be immensely proud, and then be on your knees daily praying for his safety. This is the life of military parents. They suffer. I could never ask you to try and squelch your worry. That goes against human nature. I do believe you can receive a measure of hope and peace through such means as therapy or your faith, if you practice one.

You have raised an incredible son. I hold deep respect for him and you as parents.

Kimberlie Zakarian, LMFT
kimberlie.zakarian@gmail.com

QUESTION: I’m puzzled, especially after my 89-year-old very good friend died suddenly this past week. She lived in her own home, cooked and cleaned, drove and belonged to several community organizations. I knew her well enough to know she had no major health conditions. My question is, do we decide when we’re going to die? Does God decide? Her family and we, her close friends, were shocked and dismayed. What can you tell us about this mystery called death?
~ Sad Friend

Dear Sad Friend,
My condolences as you share in mourning at the death of your friend with family and other friends. Death, although inevitable, is also often untimely in its appearances. We are never ready for the separation from those we love by the unswayed hand of death, especially when all seems to be going well in a person’s life. Death is a mystery that has always been part of our mortal nature and it has been something that as humans we have struggled with throughout history. One of the things that you may hear in response to your friend’s passing from this life is, “God needed another angel” or something to that effect. Many believe it is helpful as we may find comfort in someone we know being chosen specifically by God because there was an opening in Heaven. But, at least for me, that doesn’t really help. I believe that God does not decide when and how we die. A god like that would need to be constantly placated so that wrath does not fall upon our heads, and we all come to death in a moment of anger.

God wishes us life. Jesus said, “I have come to bring life, abundant life!” (John 10:10) and we can place our hopes that God is watching out for us.

But what then about the mystery of this thing we call death? As a part of the natural order, we are able to understand that out of death comes life. Again and again in the Bible, we hear words of death coming before life. Wheat needing to “die in the soil,” the barrenness of winter blooming again in spring, the grass withering, the flower fading … even Jesus’ own resurrection coming forth from the grave.
Although difficult and painful, upsetting and heart-wrenching, the loss we feel as someone we care about dies reminds us to make the most of today. We never truly know when death will come and so we are called today to reach out to those around us and remind them of the special place they hold in our hearts. Pick up the phone, send a letter, get together over coffee, spend what precious time we have been given in this life to connect and love those in our lives.

I pray that you may find solace and comfort in sharing stories of your friend together with her family and friends, for in our remembering the ones we have loved they are never truly gone.

Pastor Scott Peterson
pastor@lcifoothills.org

Dear Sad Friend,
I find this to be an intriguing question. In my experience I’ve often seen people passing in similar ways regardless of how well they lived. For example, someone who is healthy and takes good care of him/herself might suddenly just leave. So this has me thinking. I’m wondering if you can make a subconscious or conscious choice of how and when you want to leave?
For example, I had an aunt who was quite vain in a healthy way. She liked taking care of herself and she passed quite young in the middle of the night with no illness at all.
My mother passed when she was 68 and she always felt that she was a little bit melancholy over her sad life – something that had happened and didn’t really seem to engage with wanting to be here. She passed of a brain tumor … after six months of diagnosis.

Then there are situations of sudden accidents. Do people choose those kinds of accidents? I would say that’s more of a destiny thing and God thing. This is my personal opinion because no one really knows the answer to the Divine Mystery.

Carmela Tunzi, Hypnotherapist
mindflow555@aol.com