QUESTION: I’m chair of a non-profit. Several months ago, when I called one of our members to help with an event, I was told abruptly that the individual was quitting the organization because they had better things to do with their time. I asked if this was because of something I or other members had done, and the person said, “No. I just don’t want to be a member anymore.”

Recently, this person sent a note saying they apologized for the way they spoke to me without regard for my feelings. I really don’t want to respond to the note, but I’m not sure. Should I?
– Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,
I can certainly understand why you were hurt by this person’s initial response and also why you don’t necessarily feel like responding to their note. It would have been much better had they reached out to extend their apology in a face- to-face conversation. Your humility to ask for help is inspiring.

Proverbs 14:9 says, “Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.” I’m so encouraged that this individual had the self-awareness to realize they had wronged you and the desire to make amends! It is sad that this doesn’t happen more in today’s world. The Bible says you will be rewarded if you honor their repentance and will be counted among the righteous.

The Scriptures are also very strong in expecting us to forgive one another. Jesus says in Mark 11:25 that we should forgive “so that your Father in heaven may forgive your sins.” He says similar things in the other accounts of the life and ministry of Jesus. As challenging as this is, it only makes sense that we should not expect God to do for us what we are not willing to do for others. And I have found that when I have pushed through and forgiven people who have hurt me that it helps them and me. I hope you find the strength to do that.

I will pray for you and this situation. Please contact me if you think I can help you in any other way.

Reese Neyland
r.neyland@live.com

Dear Perplexed,
I have a question for you. Do you want to remain friends with this individual? Why are you asking the question, “Should I respond?” 
For whatever reason, this person has decided to move on from your group. This is a loss to you and your cause and it is always vexing and unsettling when someone leaves something you put so much into.
Please see that the abrupt and hurtful style of the reply on the phone call was misplaced and not meant for you. This fact is demonstrated by the note of apology.

A reply is not necessary. However, if you want to reply with a note or if you run into this person and want to say something, say thank you for the consideration the man or woman had to send the apology, thereby letting you know it wasn’t you who prompted the brusque reply, but something else. It is our human tendency, especially when the human being is one with a heart of compassion and connected to those around her or him, that when weird unexplained turns occur like this, we tend to ruminate until understanding is achieved. Unfortunately understanding isn’t always attainable. Time to let this one go.

Rabbi Janet Bieber

jbieber1155@aol.com

QUESTION: Our daughter is going through a difficult divorce and often her about-to-be-ex, who can well afford child and spousal support payments, withholds the payments. This will all be settled in court but, in the meantime, our daughter is coming up short with money for living expenses. My wife and I both work, we have substantial savings and we are helping her out without expectation of repayment.

Our problem is she tells us how badly she feels about us helping her and she feels like a loser having to go to Mom and Dad for help. What can we say to her to help her let go of those feelings? We’ve told her, “This too shall pass and we want to be here for you.”
– Caring Parents

Dear Caring Parents,
I’m so glad that you are there for your daughter and can help her financially. I went through a similar situation years ago and know how hard it is for everyone. Your daughter is going through a grieving process of a failed marriage and, whether or not she feels like a loser for asking for help, she would probably feel that way anyway, along with guilt, anger, helplessness, sadness, etc. This is all part of the process that she needs to go through. I think that you are saying the right things.

Would it help if you told her she could pay it back when the court settled? Know that whatever you say she needs to go through these feelings. Divorce is like a death and, in many ways, worse since the person is still alive and, in this case, making her life and her children’s life worse. I’ve always said that people bring casseroles and flowers after death but not after a divorce!

I wish there was a group of divorced women that your daughter could attend and talk with other women with similar problems, but I don’t know of any in this area.

Hang in there for her!

Carolyn Young
cjymesalila@gmail.com

Dear Caring Parents,
I am always deeply moved when I see selfless examples of sacrifice, caring and concern born out of parents’ love for their child. I perfectly understand the love you have for your daughter that not only desires she be supported financially during this challenging period of transition for her and her children but also desires her to be supported emotionally, with peace of mind and a hope for a better and happier future. It is true, as you pointed out, the one certainty we have in life is the certainty of change and that the trying times in our lives, like bad weather, will always pass. The sunny days have not ended for her.

Now to specifically address your daughter’s feelings.

It is also understandable that when any person goes through a divorce, there is a side of them that feels like a failure in life. Combine that with financial challenges accompanying most breakups and having to rely on one’s parents (or anyone) when you feel you should be at a point in your life a fully functioning, self-sufficient and self-reliant adult. It’s pretty clear why one might think and feel they could be a loser and even somewhat powerless over their own life.

Here is the truth. Your daughter is not a loser nor is she powerless. It is the winners who survive life’s failures and disappointments. One chapter in her life is now coming to a close. A new chapter is both beginning and unfolding out of all the painful challenges she is now experiencing over letting the old chapter go. The good news (and she may not fully realize it yet) is she has the power to choose going forward, how her own story will unfold. She can choose the good over the bad and how her story is going to end. We all have that gift of that power of choice.

As Ernest Holmes, founder of the Science of Mind once pointed out, one merely needs to claim the good they desire for themselves, believe it is theirs, and await its certain arrival. Everything is ours for the asking if we can but recognize and, more importantly, believe it so. The gift of this power is a gift of Divine Grace, and it is available to all without judgment or prejudice. Sometimes we do not realize, or are blinded to the fact, that all of us are living lives of Divine Grace; of never ending Divine support. The old hymn says it best: “Streams of Mercy, never ceasing.” “Grace” is that which is “given.” It is not earned. It is not an occasional reward. It is just given. Not just once, but endlessly given, “never ceasing.” Even the help you give your daughter, from a spiritual point of view, can be said to be a clear manifestation of God’s grace through you, as a Divine channel. You are xxpressing the Divine givingness born out love and mercy. Jesus once said, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matt 6:26 (NIV).

Clearly, God sees great value in your daughter, as do you. The moment she sees it in herself the chains of self-hate and the limiting belief in herself as a failure are forever broken. The Universe with all its potentials and blessings stands open to her choice and power of her word to command forth her good.

As Jesus once said, “Ask and ye shall receive.” I am excited for the good that awaits her new beginning.

Anthony Kelson, RScP
anthony@apkelson.com