QUESTION: When my son was married to his first wife, they gave me a beautifully framed large oil portrait of them. They’ve since divorced and I’m at a loss of what to do with the portrait. I took it down and put it in my closet but brought it out recently when I had the room painted. My son has since remarried and is very happy (praise God!).

Any suggestions of what to do with the portrait? One of my artist friends offered to take it and paint over it, but that seems like such a waste. I told my daughter that perhaps I could have a picture of my new daughter-in-law superimposed and she thought that was a horrible idea and even said the new wife wouldn’t like that idea either.
~ Stumped

Dear Stumped,
Divorces do have impacts on
our lives in ways that are not always easy to resolve. Parents often want their children to succeed in life and have a happy marriage to bring them blessings. We do all we can to welcome the new spouse into our lives and love them because our children love them. Sometimes when we get attached to the person who becomes our children’s ex-wife or ex-husband, it can be a hard loss, not just for our children but for grandparents and other family.

In your case, your son has moved on and you have a new daughter-in-law to love and cherish. This means saying goodbye to the old family and hello to the new. But sometimes we hold on to the old, even if the new is joyful.

That said, let me see if I can address your specific question about what to do with the painting. This can depend on what your relationship is with the first wife, but I don’t know much about that relationship, so I will give you some things to think about as you make a decision.

We had a church directory done early in my ministry and as the pastor I received an oil portrait of my family’s picture. This was before my second daughter was born, so instead of four it was the three of us. We have not hung up this portrait since we added to the family, because it was not reflective of who we are as a family now, but I do keep it because it is like a scrapbook memory of a time when we were three. I wonder if keeping the painting for you is the same, a scrapbook memory of a time in the past. Perhaps that time still holds meaning for you and so the painting is reflective of emotions of that time. Being clear about the meaning you have assigned to the painting will help you figure out a solution to your dilemma. I would guess it holds some meaning to you because you have not thrown it out or given it away. Perhaps altering it triggers some emotional attachments you have to this art and the people or time it reflects.

Practically speaking, I think of some of the great artists who often reused canvases because they were often poor. They would modify or even paint over the entire scene. Technology has helped us see some of the layers beneath the current painting. So modifying the painting is not unheard of in the art world. Some folks will often take a digital photo of items they want to remember as part of their history, but don’t need to have the actual item at hand.

Lastly, as a pastor I have moved quite a few times as I have been assigned to different churches. Each time we move, we often have to sift through all our belongings and see what to pack, what to give away and what to throw away. My wife uses a simple rule to help us make those decisions: Does this item bring us joy or could it bring someone else joy, or is it time to say goodbye to it? Only you can decide whether this painting brings you joy or whether it is something you need to let go of.

I wish you well and pray that you will find the answer you seek.

Blessings,

Pastor Steve Marshall
planetarypilgrim@gmail.com

Dear Stumped,
Having been through divorce and re-marriage myself, I relate to your family’s predicament. It is hard enough for a couple to start a new marriage without the extra burdens that “exes” can bring. Your new daughter-in-law may be sensitive to the fact that she is not the first wife and may need reassurance and welcoming from the family. While a hand-painted oil painting of the once-happy couple was a lovely gift, it now represents a time and relationship that no longer exists. It is a memory to either cherish or let go of. My initial thought would be to give it to the children who came from that marriage, but you do not mention any children.

My second thought is to ask if the first wife would like to have the painting. Obviously, your son and his new wife want no daily reminders of that marriage hanging around (literally), so I suggest that, unless you are still fond of wife number one, you should tell your son that you are going to throw it away.

Letting go of the past is necessary when we want to move forward. Maybe it would be a kind gesture to pay for a new portrait of your son with his new wife? Then you can hang it proudly, and each time you look at it, be grateful for their love and happiness.

Rev. Karen Mitchell
www.karenmitchellmusic.com

QUESTION: We just found out that a beloved grandson has a drug problem. From what we’ve learned, he’s been in and out of treatment at least twice over the last two years. This last go around involved an arrest. He doesn’t know we know.

We’re devastated, to say the least. He told his parents that this time he’ll go into treatment and stay clean. They are tapped out financially, but we’re willing to pay for the treatment.

We don’t know what to do. His parents think we should let him know that we’re “in the know.” Advice is more than welcome.
~ Undecided Grandparents

Dear Undecided Grandparents,
I’m sure your hearts have been broken since learning about the troubles of your grandson. No doubt his mom and dad did not want to burden you with all of the bad and destructive choices he has made. However, it is so much better that you are now aware of the situation and that you and his parents can lovingly come alongside each other and work together in pursuing a path of healing and restoration for him.

Do thank them sincerely for their decision to bring you into it.
It would be good for the four of you to talk together and share your hearts openly with each other before letting him know that you are now in the picture.

I would encourage you and his mom and dad to have very open conversations together about what their son’s life has been, his arrest and all the heart breaking struggles they have had with him over the years.
In those conversations, it would be good to explore possible recovery approaches and available services to aid recovery. An important point to explore would be possible “live-in facilities,” the purpose of which is to provide a structured environment for recovery.
Their son saying he is going to change and stay clean may sound good. He probably means well, but it hasn’t worked in the past. So I would encourage you to explore possible helpful resources.

I would also encourage you to make all of this … the strengthening of your family structure … your grandson’s recovery and healing … and God’s purpose for all of you a matter of prayer.

I join my heart with yours in praying for God’s wisdom and guidance for all your family. God’s blessings to all of you.

Pastor Tim Beck
snoopytpb@gmail.com

Dear Undecided Grandparents,
When someone we love is struggling sometimes it’s hard for us to know the right thing to do. You describe your grandson as “beloved,” which tells me how you feel about him. I’m assuming you have a close relationship with him as well. He’s probably felt too guilty or shameful to admit he’s dealing with a drug problem. We don’t want to let those who love us down, or “fall from grace” in their eyes.

I believe keeping secrets in families prevents us from forming deeper bonds with each other. I think you should all sit down as a family and talk about what’s going on. Both he and his parents need support right now that you can provide. This is an opportunity to be strong for each other, supportive and compassionate. We are not our addictions, we’re not the labels society places upon us and, as human beings, we need to release the guilt, devastation and embarrassment they carry and remember who we truly are: children of God.

Ernest Holmes, founder of Religious Science said, “Stop blaming anyone or anything – persons, circumstances or situations – for what may be happening to you. This is futile. … . The consciousness that God is in and through everything will enable you better to see perfection and harmony in people and affairs. Today you are going to take your life in your own hands, realizing God is ever with you.”

God is always with us, as us, allowing us to overcome any adversity we may face. Your family can choose to continue to hide behind the veil of shame and secrets or use this as an opportunity to recreate a new family dynamic that is honest, genuine and transparent. This is the space where real healing occurs.

With love, conviction and commitment, anything and everything is possible! Here’s to knowing a new life free of addictions and lies and filled with faith and forgiveness.

Love & Light,

Dr. Rev. Ellen Contente
revellenfaith@gmail.com