QUESTION: I’m the president of a non-profit organization. There is one individual on our board who often is confrontational in our meetings and the confrontation is directed at me. The organization is spiritually based. I walked away from a recent meeting seething. I’m trying to “turn the other cheek” and vacillate between having a talk with this person, sending an email or doing nothing. Even if I did have a meeting, I’d like to be civil.

Do you have any suggestions on how to approach this situation?
~Angry Board President



Dear Angry Board President,
The problem you described is obviously disheartening. Fortunately, there are specific scriptural principles for dealing with the exact situation you are describing. The first principle is found in book of Romans, which is: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” Romans 12:18. However, this does not mean that you must continually allow this individual to disrupt your board meeting or confront you in an inappropriate manner.

Jesus said this: “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him – work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love Matthew 18:15-17 (The Message).” In other words, your first step would be to set up an appointment with this individual and privately discuss this matter with him or her.

Prior to this meeting, take time to examine your own attitude and motivations. Is there anything that you have said or done which might have aggravated the situation? It’s hard, but be honest with yourself. Secondly, ask God to give you a genuine love for this person and to take away any anger or bitterness that you might have. Now you’re ready to talk with this other board member. Start off by affirming that you want to work harmoniously with this person and desire that, together, with the other board members, the mission of the organization can be accomplished. Now you are ready to deal with the issue.

It is important to be as factual as possible and avoid attacking the other person. A good pattern of discussion would be something like this: “When you (a factual description of what happen), I feel (a description of how the action affects you).” Once you have described what you perceive the problem to be, listen to the other person’s response. If the two of you are able listen to each other and understand each other’s perspective, the problem can be resolved. If not, Jesus tells us to invite a third party to mediate the situation. Since you are a Christian organization, I would recommend that you ask your pastors to meet with you and help you work out a resolution to the situation. I can tell you that, as a pastor, conflict-resolution is a regular part of my ministry. My experience has been that in most situations these steps are able to resolve the kind of conflict you’re talking about.

May God give you wisdom and fill your heart with love as you move forward in seeking resolution to this matter.
Warmly,

Pastor Bill Flanders
bill_flanders@att.net

Dear Angry Board President,
I can imagine how challenging this situation must be, especially one that is happening within a spiritually based organization!

First, I applaud you for reaching out for suggestions. I don’t believe “turning the other cheek” is the best approach here; better to “treat others as you’d like to be treated.”

The first thing I offer you is to reframe the situation from confrontational. I learned a term where I received my masters in spiritual psychology called “carefrontation.” This changes the energy and objective of the conversation and allows us to directly address issues with each other.

Secondly, I would try to understand what might be underneath this persons assaults, what might be driving their behavior. Coming from a place of empathy and understanding may shed a different light on the situation. Again, this will change the focus and energy when you meet with this person to address the situation.

In my communication workshops I teach people how to conduct difficult conversations using the F.I.R.S.T. model: F is for facts, I for impact, R for request, S for solutions, and T for thank-you. For example, once you sit down to talk this through, you could say something like: “The fact is in our meetings you’ve been very confrontational and it feels a bit personal. It is my intention for us to have civil meetings where we can discuss things without personal attacks. Is there something you’re not sharing in the meetings that I should know about? Have I offended you in some way that I wasn’t aware of? How can we move forward in a positive light? I believe it’s for the highest and best of all concerned that we create an environment of trust and goodwill. Thank you for hearing me out.”

Lastly, I would look within. Others are often mirrors of our own discontent and frustration. Where in your own life do you feel confronted? Antagonistic? What do you need to address or forgive? Affirmative prayer always begins with the self! Start there, then invite this person to meet with you to clear the air!

Sending “Love & Light,”

Rev. Ellen Faith
revellenfaith@gmail.com

QUESTION: My husband died 10 years ago. He was 78. I’ve been living alone in the home we had together for 40 years. I’m now 85. I drive, go to church every Sunday and help out at church functions.

I took a fall a month ago. Nothing was broken and, although I was bruised, I’m healing nicely. Our two daughters were very concerned and now they keep telling me over and over that I should sell the house and move into assisted living. I don’t want to and I’ve told them that over and over. I intend to stay in my home as long as I can. As long as I’m of sound mind and independent, I see no need to change the way I’ve been living.

The problem: Daughters are angry and won’t listen to what I have to say. Can you help us get over this “bump” in our relationship?
~ Freedom Loving Mom



Dear Freedom Loving Mom,
I believe the care and concern that your daughters are currently displaying is a testament to the parenting they received from you and your husband. In this day of entitlement and narcissism, it’s refreshing to hear that your daughters are considering your welfare and safety. My guess is that their fear is likely exacerbated by the fact that you’re alone much of the time, which may lead them to worry about what might happen to you should you have another fall. The unfortunate reality is that a significant number of active older adults have met with severe accidental injuries that may not have been treated in a timely manner. Many of the injuries could have been prevented or dealt with more expeditiously had there been someone close by to take appropriate action.

That being said and, although I’m sorry to hear about your fall, it sounds like you have a firm grasp on the realities of your life and are presently capable of determining the path of your best interests. Scripture tells us repeatedly in Ephesians, Philippians and Colossians that children are to honor and obey their parents. Although your daughters’ intentions may be well-meaning and motivated by love, you ultimately have the right to make your own determination about the course of your life.

Perhaps you might consider having an earnest conversation with them about your capabilities and the standards by which you judge your aptitude and capacity to care for yourself. There might be value in assessing your strengths and limitations and then discussing the benchmarks that would indicate an appropriate time for you to move into an assisted living arrangement. Also, a next step may be to have a part-time caregiver to help with the more demanding tasks and to check in on you a couple of times per week. That person could be a friend or neighbor, a fellow church member, one of your daughters or a grandchild, or someone you hire from an accredited organization. If you’re honest with yourself and with your daughters, you will be able to devise a plan to determine when, how and where additional care will be needed.

I wish you wisdom, patience and peace in the process of retaining your independence, and discernment on the part of your daughters to match the love they’ve shown you.

Be well and be blessed!

Lucinda Guarino

lguarino@ymcafoothills.org



Dear Freedom Loving Mom,
Sometimes it is helpful to realize all anger comes out of fear. So it is reasonable to conclude, on one hand, that your daughters’ anger is born out of a fear over concern for your continued well-being. Of course, there is a manipulative side to anger as well when it attempts to coerce through disapproval a particular desired course of action on the part of the one who is angry. But let’s focus on the former.

There are two ways to deal with this situation. One is practical. The other is spiritual. The practical way of dealing with your daughters’ concerns is to prove to them being at home can be as safe as assisted living. Many states (realizing keeping the elderly in their homes is more cost efficient and better than assisted living or nursing homes) have programs now to help the elderly safely stay in their homes. There are home visitation programs by nurses and other caregivers, who can check on you once or up to several times a day. In addition, there are all sorts of digital alert and communication systems for the elderly at home to call for help when they need it. There are even (if you are comfortable) inexpensive, easy to use, plug-and-play camera systems where your daughters could remotely check on you to see if you are okay using the internet or their cellphone. All of these are positive tools you can look into in addressing your daughters’ concerns for your safety while enabling you to keep your freedom and independence at home for as long as you choose. Your local AARP or Medicare office may be able to help you with more information, leads and resources.

There is also a spiritual way of dealing with this, which is complimentary to the practical. Ernest Holmes tells us if we wish to change anything outside of us we only need to change the thinking that occurs inside of us, even if it involves others who seem closed and opposed to our desires or needs. One way we do that is through affirmations and affirmative prayer. In this case we will use a little affirmation for you and your daughters’ peace of mind over this situation and to see that your wishes for continued independence at home is respected. I would encourage you to repeat this little affirmation as often as possible in the beginning especially if and when you feel challenged by fear or concerns. Repeating it will make it feel real and true for you. When you get to the point where you “feel it real” it will work wonders in healing this situation for you.

“My daughters always support whatever I choose for myself. Our relationship is filled with mutual love, respect, understanding, peace of mind and goodwill regarding my situation. I am always protected, sustained and maintained by God. God is always on and by my side. Therefore, nothing and no one can ever harm me. There is nothing for me to fear. My freedom, independence, and choice are assured in all things. My life is one of blessing filled with peace, happiness and goodness. And so it is.”

Anthony Kelson, RScP
anthony@apkelson.com