QUESTION: Is there a nice way to discourage unwanted attentions? I went to a wedding in June and met several people I hadn’t met before. Although I had an interesting, engaging conversation with a man I met there, as far as I was concerned there was no reason to take it any further. A mutual friend gave him my contact information and he has contacted me numerous times even though I told him I’m not interested.

I’m a widow in my 60s. I have many friends and activities to keep me busy. I don’t need this. What can I do?
Totally Disinterested

Dear Totally Disinterested,
First of all, you have told him you’re not interested, which is good; however, some people just don’t get it. So you can “ghost” him, which means that you cease all communication with him. Don’t answer emails, texts or phone calls. He’ll get the drift soon enough. As a mature (older) woman myself, I might feel the tiniest bit flattered!!

P.S. Tell your friends not to give out your contact info anymore!

Carolyn Young
cjymesalila@gmail.com

Dear Totally Disinterested,
Well, apparently the man you had the conversation with at the wedding had his own agenda of finding a new mate for himself. The interesting, engaging conversation you had with him must have fed into his agenda. The fact that he pursued getting your contact information from your friend is further evidence of his desire and agenda.

In your communication with him, you could express that you enjoyed your conversation with him, but that it was just for that moment and that you did not see it going any further. You will need to be very firm with him that you are very happy with the fulfilling life God has given you, that you have many friends and many activities that all of you do together.

You could also tell him that you have prayed for him to find the mate God has for him and for him to find happiness as he goes in that direction.

May God give you wisdom and guidance in these coming days.

Pastor Tim Beck
snoopytpb@gmail.com

QUESTION: Is there a way to talk someone into accepting help without being overbearing? My neighbor is a single mom of two great kids. She works full time, has the kids in sports and scouts and is really stretching herself thin. I am a retired woman in my 70s and have offered to help her with housework. She just says her house is such a mess she doesn’t want anyone to see it. I told her I don’t care about that and, given the fact that she has so much to do, it would be difficult to fit housework in anyway.

I, on the other hand, have time on my hands. She would actually be doing me a favor, if she’d just let me help.
~ Caring Neighbor




Dear Caring Neighbor,
When Jesus talks about loving our neighbor, I wonder if he had just the very attitude you have in mind. I love that you are willing to be a help to this single mom. But let me address your question: There is not a way of talking someone into accepting help if he or she is not willing to accept it. There may be many reasons she is turning you down, some which may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Letting you into her home may be a big hurdle because our homes are often our safe place and our emotional center. Some folks can easily invite others into their homes and others struggle because our homes reveal so much about us, who we are, what we care about. She may not trust you enough to invite you in or perhaps has never had the experience of someone helping in the way you are proposing.

So this is what I would do: I would see if there were other smaller sorts of things you could do to help out. Would hosting them in your home for a pizza night be something you could do? Are you a person who sews who could do little repairs on rips on clothes or attach badges to uniforms? Maybe you can attend one of their events to cheer them on? All of this may just evolve as you talk to her and see if there is something you might help with no matter how small so she begins to trust you and your relationship. Sometimes just having another adult to talk to without being judged is enough to bring a bit of relief into a hectic day.

Jesus always listens to hear what the real need of the person is before he acts. So I find myself trying to listen to others and see what is they are really saying. I invite you to do the same and see what you might hear, and then how you will act can flow from this.

Oh, and if you have time, I have some cleaning around the church I could keep you busy with!
Blessings!

Pastor Steve Marshall

planetarypilgrim@gmail.com

Dear Caring Neighbor,
Some people are in the mindset that only they can take care of their house, kids and all of the activities going on in their lives. It is a habit that is hard to break, letting someone else into their life to help them. You sound like a very nice person, offering your help, when you see the need. You haven’t said how close your relationship is with your neighbor. Perhaps by nudging the door open little by little she will be more comfortable with letting you help with her housework.

Our homes are our sanctuaries, orderly or not, and it seems like a personal invasion to let a well­meaning “other person” in to help clean up the messes that, with kids, can be an ongoing situation.

Are there other ways you could offer help? Maybe driving the kids to their activities or even going along or meeting them there. The mother would get more comfy as you participate more in their social activities. Perhaps you could cook a meal and take it over to them, watch the kids while she goes out for some fun, or do her household shopping chores. Let her know that since you are retired, you would enjoy helping out however you can, and that it’s important for your own self to be of assistance wherever you can.

If she still refuses your offers, then that is her choice and not your responsibility to “fix” her situation for her. We all make our choices, good or bad, and we are responsible for ourselves, not others, as they live their lives. In that case, if she just doesn’t want your help, then find another place to volunteer. There are plenty of seniors who would love help with household chores or just a friendly visit from someone. That way you are sharing your own gifts and talents with others who would really appreciate your sweet, caring self. It’s a win-win for all involved.
Blessings.

Laney Clevenger White, RScP
laneycl@ca.rr.com