By Mary O’KEEFE

It seems that 2023 made its entrance with a long list of celebrities who died. Among them are guitarist Jeff Beck, music legend David Crosby and Lisa Marie Presley, to name a few. Within the Crescenta Valley the loss of community leaders has been overwhelming. Jean Maluccio, Calvin “Kaipo” Chock and Ken Biermann are three of those community members.

The loss of loved ones has caused family, friends and those left behind to grieve. CVW reached out to Rev. Beverly Craig, a grief counselor who has held grief counseling at her church, Center for Spiritual Living-La Crescenta. There are steps to grief according to many studies and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. It lists steps in grief that include: shock, disbelief or denial, anxiety, distress, anger, periods of sadness and loss of sleep and appetite. These steps are not experienced by everyone in the order listed, and some deal with stress in completely different ways.

“Everyone grieves differently and many folks whose loved ones have passed away may not go through all of these steps,” said Craig. “For example, if a person has been ill and in pain for an extended period of time, their passing would be more of a relief that they left a body that is no longer serving them. In that case there wouldn’t be shock, disbelief or denial.

“When my mother passed after experiencing excruciating pain from both cervical and colon cancer at the same time and [was] in a tremendous amount of pain, I was deeply saddened because we weren’t just mother and daughter, we were friends – and I was relieved she no longer had to suffer from pain. She passed in 1991 and I still carry love and memories of her in my heart.”

Craig told a story that was shared with her while she was taking a grief class while attending seminary.

“Two individuals whose spouses had died married after a period of time. They then, months later after remarrying, began grieving their spouses who had passed,” she said.

Craig added that her belief is that everyone grieves, but not all in the same manner. Some may be openly grieving while others keep their sorrow “behind closed doors.”

“There are three deaths: the first is when the body ceases to function. The second is when the body is consigned to the grave. The third is that moment, sometime in the future, when their name is spoken for the last time,” stated David Eagleman, a neuroscientist and author, in eagleman.com.

It is this last death that is most difficult to deal with and may be something that is to be avoided.

“I do not recommend pushing aside thoughts of a loved one who has died,” Craig said.

Being able to look at photos, to share stories of those who have passed and to honor them in some way, like on a holiday or on their birthday, is a good way to keep their memory alive while still grieving their loss. But there is a line between remembering and obsessing.

“I discourage obsessive thoughts and if that is happening counseling will help,” she advised.

Even with counseling and rationalizing the loss, for some it can be overwhelming. Craig talked about having to deal with this type of grief in the past, when getting out of bed was difficult and moving on with life was even harder. She suggested finding a purpose – helping others and/or joining a worthwhile cause – something that puts the grieving person back into the world with a positive purpose.

There are times when a community must grieve together; this can be a community of fans for a departed celebrity or a community of neighbors who have lost those they may have not known personally or well but who played an important part in their lives.

“A community grieves together. Services where clergy of various faiths participate are powerful and uplifting,” Craig said. “I’ve observed when a crisis happens in a community, hundreds turn out for memorial services. The result is, collectively and individually, participants feel they’ve done what they can to ease the pain that is being felt by community members. I believe it is normal to feel the loss of an individual or persons we don’t know. In my case, I grieved the recent deaths of the Riverside deputies. I checked in with myself. My grief was/is real. My heart is so very sad for the families of the deputies, the Riverside Sheriff’s Dept. and Riverside residents. I believe most of us can relate that, just as we’re moving past the grief from one situation, another happens as in the 11 whose lives were lost at the dance studio shooting. Even though I’m a minister, all of this is difficult to move through alone. I pray and talk to colleagues.”

Grief is not limited to the death of a loved one; it can come at the end of relationship.

Craig said she believes that God has a plan for each person. She leaned on her faith after her divorce from her husband of over 23 years. She had teenage children at the time and the family dynamics were difficult but her faith guided her through.

“Moving through the end of a relationship is stabilized by feeling the feelings and honoring them,” she said.

By this she means that those feelings of loss should be shared, that talking about what a person is going though helps. She added that when she is counseling someone who is going through a breakup she encourages them to allow themselves to “feel all the feels,” not to dismiss anything as trivial.

At times, even when people feel they are over the loss, they get a feeling they can’t identify. It just feels like something is wrong. This can be grief of a past loss.

“In moments like these, prayer and meditation are most helpful,” Craig said.

Grief can come from other forms of loss, including the loss of a way of life like graduating from high school or college or just going out into the world.

“The experience of endings can bring on for some, but not all, feelings of grief. Some may look toward their future with joyous anticipation and others may have the feeling of sadness about what they’re leaving behind and uncertain about what’s next in their lives. For students graduating from high school most importantly is that they are heard and allowed to express what they are feeling,” she added.

Accompanying many feelings of grief is guilt. This is normal, Craig assured.

“It is normal to feel guilty of a loss or what I consider unfinished business; however, releasing that guilt must be accomplished. In this instance, the negativity of the guilt puts an individual in a stuck position, not moving ahead with their own lives,” she said.

Craig’s sister’s death had been an apparent suicide. Craig and her siblings felt guilty, asking themselves what they could have done to prevent the sister from making this choice. This is where, she said, her faith once again came to her side.

For those who do not have a belief in the afterlife, it is important to find a way to work through the guilt by talking to a therapist or friends. However it is done it is important to find a way to release the guilt.

“The most important thing to remember about grief is you are not alone. There are many avenues of support, including counseling with a therapist, clergy or friends and family,” she said. “Individuals who I have counseled have benefited greatly with prayer and meditation. Do not hesitate to get support.”