QUESTION: Our son is home from an East Coast college for the holidays and now he doesn’t want to go back to school after completing two-and-a-half years with a year-and-a-half to graduate with a degree. We’ve always allowed our two children to make their own decisions and, up until now, there haven’t been any major challenges. His sister graduated from college last year.

We saved and scrimped so our kids could go to good colleges. The idea that he wants to drop out is devastating to us. It’s like, drop out and do what? He says he’ll go back to college. He just wants to be closer to home.

We’ve never played hardball with our kids and we don’t want to start now. He says his major reason is he gets too homesick. We want him to learn to be out and about in the world. Should we just honor his decision, or whim or whatever it is?
~ Faltering Parents
Dear Faltering Parents,
The East Coast is very different from the West Coast in so many ways besides the weather and I know of many California college kids who couldn’t take it. My granddaughter thought she wanted to go to Duke until she spent a weekend in the snow and, thankfully before she started, decided she was a California girl. It can be very hard to think that your son doesn’t want to stick it out after all you have done to get him there, but you can’t force him to stay. Let him come home but with very firm rules that either he enroll in college near home or get a full time job and pay some rent if he will be staying at your house. And don’t compare him to your college graduate daughter. Boys often mature later than girls. Perhaps he wasn’t mature enough for such a big move in the first place.

Whatever he decides to do, his college credits and his experiences (good and bad) won’t be wasted. Every experience is a chance for growth. My son dropped out of community college in his first year. I was devastated. He stumbled around for a while with various jobs and trainings. He finally found his niche in web design, went back to college, paid his own way and has had his own business for many years now. It was very painful for me at times but I always knew that he was in God’s hands. I am so thankful that I trusted that!

Carolyn Young, LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)
cjymesalila@gmail.com
Dear Faltering Parents,
This season of your life is common among all parents, though it surfaces in various ways and times. First, if you are the praying sort, the two of you should pray and ask God to help you process this issue and your son through this transition. If you are not the praying sort, now is always a good time to start.

Your intention is to help your son to become his own decision maker and take charge of his life. Sometimes the line between running his life and allowing him to run it can be very gray. If he is struggling with completing school at this time, you should set aside your goals for him and enter into a open hearted conversation that helps him explore his feelings and thoughts, and helps him define his goals, even if they are not what you want for him. This can be the most helpful thing you can do at this crossroad, yet difficult to do without allowing your agenda to direct the conversation, or pressure him into accepting your plans for him.

I know you have much invested, but it will all go out the window in time anyway if it is not what your son embraces. At this point, helping him find his way should be more important than getting him to embrace your goals for him. There are reasons in which he “feels” homesick. Trying to help him define them can be invaluable. Protecting him from crashing and burning many times only postpones the crash. As hard as it may be as parents, allowing him to face the consequences of his own choices (not funded by you and not guilting him about it) will empower him and can be one of his best learning experiences.

Guidance, counsel, support, love and encouragement goes a long way, even if he does not make the decisions your counsel encouraged him to make. One is not faltering as parents if you son does not accomplish your goals for him, but helping him sort things through without pressure can be the strongest parenting you can offer.

Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not unto your own understanding, in all you ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.”

Pastor Terry Neven
www.thegathering.today
QUESTION: My father died quite prematurely (in my opinion), at age 62, 12 years ago. He wasn’t just my Dad, he was my buddy, and I’m still very sad when I think of him. Now my Mom is having serious health issues that include seizures and brain bleeding. She is only 74.

I’m having a very difficult time even functioning thinking that maybe she will pass away. How does one deal with elderly sick and dying parents and still carry on with life?
~ Barely Functioning Son 



Dear Barely Functioning Son,
I can’t help but empathize. My dad died at 57, my mom at 86 last month. There is nothing I can say to stop aging, disease or death. I would if I could.
Perhaps I can raise some questions that might put things in perspective. 
    1) What is the right age to die? You know that none of us is guaranteed a certain number of years. We may live a long time or a short time. Which amount is right? If you believe in God (and most people do) then you know that God wisely calls us home when our time on this earth is complete. We never know when that is. That’s the nature of life and death. This means that every single day is a gift. Your parents are a gift and so is each day with them. 

    2) How long would your parents choose to live? No one really wants to live forever. Our bodies are not indestructible. They get tired. They give out. For this reason, people like me always counsel those who will listen, “Be prepared! Eternity is never far away.” This adds an uncertainty to life and is a big reason I went into the vocation I did. Christians don’t generally fear death (although we don’t look forward to the process of dying) because we see it as the graduation ceremony to a better life, eternal life. As we watch our parents age, there comes a point when we want them to suffer no longer. Isn’t this true for you as well? “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants” – Ps. 116:15.

3) Who escapes death?
You said that you’re “having a very difficult time even functioning thinking that maybe she will pass away.” But didn’t you already know this? Your mom will indeed pass away eventually. Everyone does. Me too. You too. Be with your mom. Pray for your mom. Enjoy your mom. Thank God for your mom. Now, how would your mom want you to live in her absence? How does she want her grown-up son to carry on? Now, tomorrow and always, make her proud. Pour your life into the lives of others like she did for you. When that sad day finally comes, and it will come, call out to a good God for guidance and strength and thank God for your mom and dad. You’ll do fine. You’ll be very sad, as you should be, but you’ll take a step at a time and get through it. Follow the example they left you.

Pastor Jon Karn
pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org






Dear Barely Functioning Son,
As I write this, I am surrounded by people who are calling 2016 the most devastating year of loss in show business history. We have said goodbye to young and old, mother and daughter (within a day of each other), as well as to so many of our beloved actors, musicians, and visionaries. They have died and have moved beyond our sight. But what does death really mean? Ah, that is the universal question of the ages. If I could tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that death is simply the letting go of a physical body that no longer serves you and that the adventure continues on, as [does] your spirit, after physical death, I would. That is what I personally believe, but it may not be as simple as that.

You and I have experienced the devastation of losing a loved one, and feeling that their death was too soon. Then, before we have had time to recover, we are faced with the specter of losing yet another loved one. What can we do to keep on living in the face of all of this tragedy and loss? Well, there are a couple of thoughts I would offer to you.

First, I would share with you a quote from Ernest Holmes, the founder of the Science of Mind, who said that “Life never ends … it is the changing of one form of life for the other.” I think of it like in “Star Wars,” when Obi Wan Kenobi appeared to Luke Skywalker after Obi Wan was killed by Darth Vader. Obi Wan’s body was destroyed, but his Spirit lived on.

Okay, so is there life after death in reality, or only in the movies? Actually, no one living here in these bodies can tell you for sure where your loved ones have gone. They have gone from our sight and from our touch. We miss their physical presence, their scent, their humor, their touch. And, sometimes, there has been great illness and suffering when our loved ones make their transition. There may have been costly medical expenses, difficult choices that had to be made.

Sometimes there is regret, anger, and many words of forgiveness left unspoken. There are hurts that were never healed. We must learn to let go of the pain, reconcile the loss, and keep on living. I love the quote from poet and novelist Raner Maria Rilke that reads, “We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go.” This is where we have real choice. You and I are not in charge of when, or where, or how, our loved ones die. Our loved ones leave us long before we think they should and even when we don’t think it’s fair. Why do some people die while others (less deserving in our judgment perhaps) live a very long life? I would say to you that I have come to understand that all human beings have their own spiritual journey, and we do not know what that is, or how long or short it is. You and I also have our own amazing journeys to continue on with.

Do not sacrifice yourself, and your joy for life, because of your grief for your loved ones. While they are here, love them, and care for them, and, as they make their transition into the unknown territory of life after death, grieve for them. Entertain the idea that there truly is no separation and that we just do not currently have the capability to be aware of them wherever they are. Talk to them, honor them, remember their birthdays. Remember that you, too, will cross over into the unknown someday and the best that you can do for your loved ones who are left behind is to live well, love passionately and let nothing hold you back from experiencing life to its fullest. I believe that all life is eternal, and that the only thing we take with us to the other side is the love we share with each other.

Love Never Dies.

Rev. Karen Mitchell
karen@karenmitchellmusic.com