QUESTION: We’ve been married for eight years and have two beautiful children, ages 4 and 6. My problem is my mother-in-law. She told a mutual friend before we were married that I wasn’t good enough for her son. Now she interferes with how we parent. My husband has made it clear that he doesn’t agree with his mother and compliments me when she’s with us. He has also talked to her about her negativity toward me. I can’t help but feel sad about not having a good relationship with her. I believe my husband and I have demonstrated a good, stable marriage and we are good, caring, loving parents. We also attend church regularly as a family.

I would like suggestions on how to just not feel badly about her attitude and behavior.

~ Sad Wife

Dear Sad Wife,

You sound like an amazing woman! Personally, I just want to begin by applauding you for your gracious attitude towards your mom-in-law. Also, your husband is doing fabulous by complimenting you when she is around and speaking with her about her negativity.

What really seems sad to me is that your mother-in-law truly does not appreciate the gift God has given her in you! Your heart is for her and not against her; you desire relationship. After all, you both love the same person – her son!
This is one of those opportunities to recognize that “Love never fails” (I Cor. 13:8.) As hard as this is, keeping your heart focused on what is true, noble, just, pure, lovely and of a good report, just like Paul shared with the Philippians, is what is critical (Phil. 4:8)
It would be very natural to be offended and carry a grudge. Choosing to forgive and giving God your hurt when she is negative around you is important as well as having healthy boundaries that you and your husband agree on.

It wasn’t until almost 10 years into our marriage that my own mother-in-law had a heart change. This happened because my father-in-law (her husband) became ill with cancer and I was able to come alongside her to take care of him before he passed. It’s as if her eyes opened to who I really was and she began to see me, the real me. (I had been a hospice nurse prior to having a family.) God really used that season to bring healing to both of us.

The challenge is in recognizing that we cannot change others, only God can. Perhaps you could ask God to show you where she has been hurt and wounded in her past, and how He desires to use you as an agent of healing in her life. Being faithful to love, showing compassion and forgiving are the things that God uses to transform lives. Allow God to go deeper with you and be sensitive to His promptings when she is around. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things …” (I Cor. 13:7). No one said relationships would be easy … but with God’s help and the support of your husband you will see the power of His love manifest through you. He is faithful to the end!

Pastor Debbie Sayovitz

debbie@epicentrechurch.org

Dear Sad Wife,

You are not alone. I’m going to guess that millions of spouses have mothers- and fathers-in-law who think their progeny married “down” instead of “up.” That situation has also spawned a few jokes, such as this one: mixed emotions can be described as a man watched his mother-in-law drive his brand-new Cadillac over a cliff! (I told that one from the pulpit one time and was told by one of my parishioners that she didn’t like mother-in-law jokes. Maybe she felt unappreciated? Who knows? Maybe she just thought that ministers shouldn’t tell such jokes!)

In all seriousness, I’m not sure I have anything to say that can help. I do believe in prayer, so pray for your mother-in-law. Also, look on the bright side: your husband is in your corner and has even stood up to his mother! Not all spouses do that. And how does your mother-in-law feel about your children, her grandchildren? I’ll bet she is crazy about them! If so, isn’t there some subtle way to say to her that they came from you?

You have probably seen the sign, “Prayer changes things.” It does. Keep praying, even though there are no guarantees. And it’s possible that this estrangement will end up being the personal “cross” that you have to bear. But in all of this be thankful. Be thankful for your wonderful husband (who came from your awful mother-in-law!), and be thankful for your wonderful children.

You are blessed. You don’t have a perfect life, but you are blessed. And don’t stop hoping and praying that God can change the mind of anybody, even you-know-who!

The Rev. C. L.
“Skip” Lindeman

lindemanskip@yahoo.com

QUESTION: My children’s father and I divorced when they were in their mid-teens. They’re both now in their late 40s. My problem is they don’t stay in touch very well. My daughter lives here in California about 70 miles from where I live. My son lives out of state. I never hear from him during the year and only see him a couple of times a year when he comes to California for conferences. He sent me a message several years ago that he didn’t want to exchange Christmas gifts anymore, so I complied. And it’s not that he can’t afford it.

I see my daughter’s family for birthday celebrations and holidays and that’s all. In between, neither of them calls or checks in and, when I call, it’s like I’m intruding on their time. Praise God I have a life and am active in my community, but I’d like to hear more from my kids. I’ve hinted many times, but it hasn’t worked. Would you please say something to the effect that the greatest gift that can be given older people is time and attention?

~ Missing My Kids

Dear Missing My Kids,

You are right: time and attention are important for everyone. God created us to be in relationships – with God and with one another. Sometimes those relationships work very well, and other times they are more challenging.

As I read your story, I was reminded of the parable in the Gospel of Luke 18:1-8 where Jesus talks about the widow and the unjust judge. The widow is persistent in her appearance before the judge, asking again and again for justice. Finally, because of her persistence, the judge relents and gives her justice. Jesus says to those gathered around him, “And will not God grant justice to those who cry to him day and night?” I think we are often like the widow in the story, going to God again and again with our prayers, asking for help and guidance. But I also think sometimes God is the one who comes to us, again and again, pursuing us with love and mercy, ready to be in relationship with us.

I share this story with you because it might be a good reminder to keep doing what you are doing with your children. Keep reaching out to them. Keep calling, even if it feels like an intrusion. Keep sending letters and cards on birthdays and holidays. Just as God keeps after us with a loving and gentle heart, keep sharing your love with your children and grandchildren. And hopefully, your persistent and gentle love will be rewarded and your relationships with your family will grow and deepen.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. May we all continue to strengthen our relationships with God and with one another. And may we all live into the love and grace God shares with us!

Blessings on your journey,

Rev. Karin Ellis

revkarinellis@gmail.com

Dear Missing My Kids,
Unfortunately, divorce is all too common in today’s world and can have its damaging effects and create distances in relationships.
When your daughter and son were old enough to venture out into lives of their own, they became a part of today’s younger generation and the life of independence it fosters. What you see of your daughter’s and son’s lack of connection with you is, unfortunately, characteristic of many in their generation and the world we live in. When we are younger, we focus our time and attention on our work and activities. As we age, our focus becomes more attuned towards family.

You’re right. Our children can give us a great gift with their time and attentiveness, but many younger people don’t think of that. So if you want a relationship, it will probably be more incumbent for you to take the initiative to foster good relationships.

Now the fact that your daughter lives here in California is a plus for you. At least you have time with her for birthdays and holidays. Does she have children of her own? If so, why not pursue relationships with your grandkids … take them places, do really fun things with them, find out what they love, etc. You being a loving, caring grandparent could have a positive effect on them and your daughter herself.

When your son comes to California for a convention, perhaps you could ask him if the two of you could go out for breakfast or dinner together. By you showing your wish to have time together could send a message of your desire to have a good relationship with him.

Finally, don’t allow the hurt and disappointment you have struggled with for so long to rule
your heart. I want to encourage you to pray much. When you pray for your daughter and son, be sure you have a forgiving heart toward both of them. Ask God to bring healing and restoration to you and your family. God’s word assures us that, when we pray, He hears us and He intervenes.

In the coming days, may you be strengthened and encouraged.

Pastor Tim Beck

snoopytpb@gmail.com