QUESTION: I’m at a loss about what to do with my 16-year-old son who is in a spiritual crisis. His father left us when he was just 2 months old, but my father and his uncles continue to provide love and support for all of his endeavors, so he does have male role models. We’ve attended church regularly since he was a baby in the church nursery, and he has gone to a teen group for about four years.

Now, he’s questioning his faith, says he’s not certain he believes everything in the Bible and wants to drop out of church activities to “find himself.” Going to church with my son has been the highlight of my week. I know I can insist that he comes with me every Sunday but something within me tells me that’s not the right thing to do. My prayer is that he grows into adulthood with a faith that will serve him the rest of his life.

Please offer some ways I can guide my son in a direction that will be helpful to him.

~ God Loving Mom

Dear God Loving Mom,

Let me encourage you for facing the challenge of being a single mother and wanting to be an example of faith for your son. His questioning of his faith as a teenager is not unusual, based on my personal experience as a father with three sons as well as being a pastor in a large church for many years. My first advice is to pray for him and do not give up (Luke 18:1). Many young men, including myself as a teenager, deserted their faith only to find it again some years later.

Do you know what his questions are about the Bible? Is there someone helping him to get answers to his questions? I Peter 3:15 said all Christians should be prepared to give answers to questions about our faith. The good news is there are many excellent books available that give solid and convincing evidence for the Christian faith based on logic, history and science. It would be great if you or someone else could patiently help him find answers to his questions. Please contact me directly if you would like more specific help with this.

Unfortunately, you may find that he is not really interested in getting answers to his questions. Sometimes the heart can get to a place where it is just looking for an excuse to not live for God. At the age of 16 years old, I would probably not force him to attend church with you if he really doesn’t want to go. If that is where your son is right now, you will want to respect his choice and continue to love him unconditionally. Luke 15:11-32 is a great example for you and all who might find themself in this situation.

I will pray for him and you!

Reese Neyland

r.neyland@live.com

Dear God Loving Mom,

This was one of my fears as a mother, former pastor and woman of God: that there might be a day my children or adult children doubted or walked away from God’s truth. As a youth pastor, I watched as my friend’s teen children questioned God or blatantly walked away. I remember the phone calls from parents, some at night, during dinner, on weekends, all desperately asking, “Can you please speak to ‘Adrienne’ about her faith and doubts?” So I did.

I am blessed to think that every single person I have running through my memory now are married with children – and going to church. And yes, I do know that is not always the case. I hope the following thoughts will put your mind and heart at ease.

First, your instinct is correct – do not push. As a therapist, I see what happens when parents “push” or “force” their children and teens. I decided early on I would never do that, nor would I overreact when my children asked me or told me anything. And it has worked. My children discuss so many things with me and confess I am the first person they tell things to. So pushing has a counterproductive effect on our children.

Second, I will share my own story. I never exactly “doubted” in God. I had accepted Him as my Savior at a young age. But between 15 and 19 I certainly did not follow Him other than a passing prayer. At 20, alone in my room I picked up my Bible and gave my life back to him. It was an internal experience; no one else’s words prompted this decision. At 23, of my own volition, I gave up a career in modeling and acting and went to Bible College. I later became a pastor. After that I felt called to get my master’s degree at Fuller Seminary. All of these actions were prompted by God. No adult or another mentor led me to make these decisions. I think my parents were thankful, but shocked, in my extreme change of careers. Which leads me to my third and final point.

You have done the hard work as a parent; you laid the foundation. The next part involves only two things: prayer and articulating to your child you are always there to listen without judgment. As parents, we have to trust what Scripture says and have faith in “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” (Proverbs 22:6, NIV). It happened for me. It happened for so many of the young people I used to be a pastor to. It has happened to people all over the world. Your job is not to worry or “physically” do something that will turn your son off. Your job is to pray, let go and trust God to do the rest.

The Reverend Kimberlie Zakarian

Kimberlie.zakarian@gmail.com

QUESTION: My husband, who is 59, has been on life-support for almost a month from a work-related injury. We have three children, a daughter who is 23 and twin sons who are 19. The medical staff, which has been supportive, don’t offer much hope for his recovery. My daughter and I want to take him off life support and the twins are adamantly against it. They think given a little more time, he’ll come around. This is the most serious dilemma our otherwise tranquil family has ever experienced. We’re Christian, but don’t attend church regularly. We believe in faith and prayer and we’ve spent a great deal of time praying with our pastor, who says the final decision has to be ours.

My daughter and I consider taking our dear one off life-support is humane. The twins argue that action is our choice to take his life. Your thoughts are most welcome.

~ Family in Distress




Dear Family in Distress,

I am so sorry you find yourself in this most difficult of situations. As head of the household on the threshold of the possible loss of your life partner my heart goes out to you and your family. It is at a time like this that we most need to seek the spiritual aspect of life. All of our hardest challenges are an opportunity to come back to our highest and greatest truth, to become silent and acknowledge that we are each eternal beings having a physical experience. And as spiritual beings, nothing of the physical can hinder our wholeness in the eyes of God. Trials are the alchemy by which we find our strengths and our resilience.

Use this time to have conversations on these topics. What do your twin sons believe about the afterlife? Losing a parent is often felt as the loss of unconditional love that we feel cannot be replaced. But the truth is we are eternally loved and this is something each individual must choose to know. The situation you find yourself in has no easy solution but it can be seen as a time for deep soul searching and a coming together in exploration of needs and feelings and beliefs. It has the potential to bring the family closer or to divide. Communication, active listening and non-judgmental exploration can smooth the route to resolution and shared grief, shared love and unified support of your husband in his spiritual journey.

Death is not the end and it is not the only possible outcome. Find your own center of strength and allow and encourage this in your children. Ultimately we must all die to who we think we are to know who we truly are. Allow God to do His work through this situation and know, as the psalmist writes, “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom (or of what) shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1)

Joan Doyle, RScP


thehouseartist@gmail.com

Dear Family in Distress:

Having a loved one on life support is a very difficult and stressful experience. It’s in times like these that we must prayerfully request the wisdom that God has promised to those who ask (James 1:5). I’m sure that each of you wants to do what is right. You want to see that your husband receives the care he needs. But it’s so difficult to know in situations like this what the right thing to do is. Some people say we are playing God by trying to keep a loved one alive through life support means. Others say we are playing God by pulling the plug and letting them die. I do not subscribe to either idea, as God can take a person’s life while he or she is on a respirator, or prolong it if taken off. God knows what is best.

In our day, it’s possible medically to keep people “alive” artificially for an extended period of time. There are machines that can breathe for us and keep our hearts beating and our kidneys functioning. But the question simply is: Is that being “alive?” In times like these we need to consider the kind of life our loved one will have if they stay on medical devices that cause them to die later rather than sooner. Remember too that to make the decision to remove a loved one from one of these machines does not cause death; it would only allow death to come naturally.

You didn’t indicate if your husband had an advanced health-care directive in place. If he did, then he has given you and your children direction to help you make a decision. If not, then it’s reasonable to ask yourself what choice he would want you to make.

Life itself is a gift from God. Writing to the church in Rome, the Apostle Paul noted: “If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord” (14:8). Death for someone who has trusted in the Lord Jesus Christ as his Savior is not a tragic thing. It is, without a doubt, a sorrowful thing to lose a loved one, but the believer that dies goes immediately into the presence of his Savior. We read in 2 Corinthians 5:8 that “… to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.”

Our thoughts and prayers are with you as you and your family make this difficult decision, trusting God to help you.

Randy Foster

randy.clc@att.net