QUESTION: Is there a kind way to respond to an individual who insists on giving unsolicited opinions? I left my husband because of his excessive drinking. My friend, whom I really like, thinks I shouldn’t get a divorce because she’s of a faith that doesn’t believe in divorce. She brings up the subject when I don’t want to talk about it because my mind is made up. She’s also given me three books about saving a marriage.

I don’t want to cut off a friendship of 10 years, but I’m weary of her persistence. What can I say to make her understand that I am getting a divorce and I’m done with living with a man who was drunk every night?
~ Stymied

Dear Stymied,
Your friend is stuck in a loop of her own opinion that she seems to think is the only truth there is in the world. No one should try to tell you, the one who lives or lived this particular nightmare, that you must not escape it. When you know that the issue is not going to be resolved, isn’t getting better or is even being addressed, you know that it will not change. Your life is valuable and if you choose to make it better by leaving the problem that will not be resolved, you are listening to the voice of God inside you, the “Still Small Voice.” This is telling you to move on.

You must tell your friend that, notwithstanding her beliefs, if she wants to be a welcome presence in your world as you would prefer her to be, then she must understand that this issue has been worked out by you and needs no more instruction from her belief system.

As friends, we are not here to judge one another and make our friends do what we think is correct. Friends listen, share feelings and ideas, talking things out on occasion. Friends might like a lovely walk on a nice afternoon, perhaps a visit to the museum to take in a painting or two. We don’t badger each other with our particular ideas, trying to make our friend do what we think is right.

Friendship is loving the person you are friends with, not trying to make them over in your own image.

Rabbi Janet Bieber
jbieber1155@aol.com

Dear Stymied,
Let me first say I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Having someone who is living his or her disease is a very difficult relationship to have. I have counseled with those who have struggled to figure out what the best course of action is, and there is no one “answer” that fits every situation. It takes work to heal and move forward in life.

I would ask you if you have done everything in your power to make the marriage work? Have you attended Al-Anon, which is dedicated to those living with alcoholics? Have you sought the wisdom of clergy or counselor? The reason I ask these questions is so that you have support for your decision and have people who can help you think through the options you have. Al-Anon has people who can support you through this time and help you navigate the future; they understand your situation better than most. This group is helpful even after you have been separated.

In addition, surrounding yourself with those who can support and encourage you will help you better handle anyone who might disagree with your decision to divorce. Even as well meaning as your friend is, she can’t know what you are going through.

In marriage, it takes two persons to make that relationship work. If one has opted out for whatever reason, the other cannot save the marriage by reading books. It takes hard work and the willingness of both partners to make a marriage work.

If your husband has decided drinking is more important than his marriage to you, you are faced with a tough decision. And it is your decision to make, and to live with. I pray your friend will stay as your friend even as you go through the divorce.

I know some who will choose to stay and try to make it work, I know some who leave and never come back, I know some who finally sober up and can be a caring compassionate partner once again. I know some who separate and never get divorced, and others who, once divorced, find love again with someone new.

I believe in a God who does not want us to suffer unjustly or to be in unhealthy relationships to undergo abuse and pain. We often lose our way because of addiction or other unhealthy choices and behaviors. In the midst of these realities, God still calls for us to discern the path to wholeness and well being and I pray you will find your way in the midst of the tough decisions you are making.

Blessings,

Pastor Steve Marshall
planetarypilgrim@gmail.com

QUESTION: We’ve lived in our neighborhood for 40 years and the woman next door is like a sister to me. Our families were inseparable while we were raising our children. This is my worry and concern. Three years ago, the woman’s husband died and she retreated into a shell. She dropped out of the book club we both belonged to, stopped joining our daily walks with other neighbors and even quit going to church. I know going through grief takes awhile but my heart is sad for her. Is it possible for one person to help another through grief? Do you have any ideas that might bring her back into social activities?
~ Troubled Neighbor

Dear Troubled Neighbor,
I think it is wonderful that she has a friend like you. In Proverbs 18:24, it states, “A man (woman) of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother (sister).” I do think it is possible for one person to help another through grief. Groups of people are more intimidating and difficult many times for someone who is grieving. I would recommend you focus on meeting with her with just the two of you for now – being a friend who will be there for her and be a safe place for her to share all that she feels. Maybe as time passes you will gradually be able to add others. Keep listening, praying for her and praying with her.

Often the toughest thing for us when we want to help someone who is grieving is feeling like you don’t know what to say or what to do. I love the words that God gives us in Proverbs 19:20 where it states, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.” Fortunately for us today, there are some fantastic resources available to teach us. I would recommend a couple of websites as starting places. Compassionate Friends at www.compassionatefriends.org can help you know how to help her. Grief Recovery at www.griefrecoverymethod.com will help her know how to move forward with her life.

As a pastor for many years, I have learned that I don’t need to know everything, I just need to know where to go to find what I (and others) need to know.

I will pray for you and this situation. Please contact me if you think I can help you in any other way.

Reese Neyland
r.neyland@live.com

Dear Troubled Neighbor,
As a licensed clinical social worker, I have facilitated many bereavement groups over the years and have seen that everyone grieves in a different way. Many spouses say that the second year is worse than the first as it becomes so final!

The kind of grieving you are talking about in the third year could be very serious. Her withdrawal from everything isn’t a good sign. I’m so glad she still has you to be concerned with her. Have you talked to her children about what you are seeing? They might not know the depth of her grief. She could be putting on a happy face for them.

It’s possible for someone to help her, but baby steps first. Does she do email? Start with an email saying hello or send her a cute cat video. Everyone loves a kitty video! It sometimes works if you just stop by with a pot of coffee or tea and a pastry to chat or pray. Anything to get her engaged. She really needs grief counseling and/or a bereavement group. Remember that we can try all we want but she’s the one who needs to take the first step back to life. But don’t stop checking in on her. As I said before, this is very serious. Keep the children apprised.

Sincerely,

Carolyn Young, LCSW
cjymesalila@gmail.com