QUESTION: I guess the older you get, the more you experience loved ones – family and close friends – passing away. I’m overwhelmed by so many recent losses (five) and, I have to admit, my faith is shaken and I’m very depressed. I pray, but nothing is happening. Jesus said, “Ask and ye shall receive – knock and the door will be opened.” I’ve prayed for peace of mind and to have the depression lifted and, even though I pray daily and several times daily, I’m still in the same place as when I started.

Is there a certain way to pray for Jesus and God to hear us? Am I doing something wrong? I might add that I am grateful for what God has given me, and I thank Him daily for the good in my life.
~ Depressed Grandmother



Dear Depressed Grandmother,
I’m sorry to learn of so many losses in what sounds like a short period of time. Losing someone you love, whether at 8 years or 80 years, can be devastating and the resulting emotions are often difficult to navigate. Although we know, intellectually, that grief is a healthy and natural part of life, it is quite misunderstood. We learn about the stages of grief from those who study the conflicting feelings and behaviors, which helps us to rationalize and try to normalize our experiences; however, the emotional and spiritual applications take a bit more understanding.

The most universally accepted stages of grief include shock and denial, which is where the confusion and fear appear. Anger causes anxiety and frustration. Depression and detachment become the source of feelings of helplessness and being overwhelmed. Dialoguing and bargaining prompt us to reach out to others as a way to find meaning for what has happened. Acceptance brings us to a place where we begin to let go of the hurt and find ways to carry on with a new plan. One interesting aspect of these stages is that there is no particular order of experience, which can cause even more bewilderment, delaying the entire process.

People of faith may experience both benefits and challenges during times of grief. Sometimes that “peace of God, which surpasses all understanding” (Philippines 4:7) seems elusive and we aren’t able to access the blessings. Other times, we see evidence of God’s grace and mercy and can find that place of rest. Although I don’t know your personal practices, my guess is that you’re not doing anything wrong. Waiting for relief can be trying as we await His timing. I do know that if we remain strong in our faith and continue to seek His will and direction, we will be enriched in the process.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us that “To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven” reassuring us of His continuing love and mercy, particularly during times when we struggle to understand His will.

As you continue to live gratefully in the blessings that you realize on a daily basis, I will offer you a few passages from Scripture that will help you to plot a course through the process of grief. Isaiah 41:10 promises strength, Psalm 18:2 tells us that He is our rock and fortress, Psalm 18:28 reminds us that He can turn our darkness into light, Psalm 22:24 reminds us that He has not hidden His face from us, Matthew 11:28 beckons us to go to Him for rest, 1 Peter 5:6-7 instructs us to cast our cares on Him, Lamentations 3:31-33 speaks of His compassion in grief and John 14:1 reminds us not to let our hearts be troubled.
I will encourage you to continue to exercise your faith and trust during this process.

You will be forever changed by the losses you’ve endured. However, I believe you’ll find there is hope through continuing to lean on the One who knows your heart better than anyone else. My prayer is that you will soon reach the point of acceptance and find your joy once again.
Blessings!

Lucinda Guarino

lguarino@ymcafoothills.org

Dear Depressed Grandmother,
I’m sorry you’re depressed. Please allow me to offer my condolences on the passing of your loved ones. Can I ask, are you surprised by death? Does death shake your faith? Perhaps the road to comfort and encouragement lies along the path of God’s promises remembered. He has indeed spoken to you about these deaths. Since you are my sister in Christ, let me remind you that Jesus came to bring life out of death. As he was raised to life, never to die again, the same is true for us as his followers. For the Christian, death is never the final answer. Resurrection life awaits us. Do you believe this?

Let me add three additional thoughts from the Psalms that I trust will help: 1) Psalm 90 says, “Our days may come to 70 years, or 80, if our strength endures; yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away … Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

Wisdom speaks to us and tells us that we are mortal. We will not live on this earth forever. Death comes for all of us. So the prayer of this psalm is that we might remember our mortality and number our days. This changes death from a home invasion marauder to an expected visitor.

2) Psalm 116 says, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants.” Have you ever considered death from God’s point of view? The Bible says that the glad reunion that occurs in heaven whenever a new arrival enters is precious to God. In this sin sick world we are plagued by pain, evil and sorrow. Whenever a Christian dies, he says goodbye to all that and goes to meet his Maker, who is overjoyed at the reunion. Can you receive some of that joy by faith?

3) Psalm 16 says, “You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” Consider what a good God has waiting for his children. He says those who precede us in death are filled with joy in the presence of God. Those who have crossed over experience eternal pleasures! We do not stay young for a reason. God has joy and eternal pleasures in store for us. As you grieve over your departed loved ones, remember that not one of them would come back if they could.

It is hard to lose a loved one, exceedingly hard to lose so many so soon. Perhaps you could recall these distinctly Christian blessings: We live in such a way that death, though unwelcome, is expected. We consider God’s view of death. He says our death is precious to him. And the joy and pleasure our departed loved ones are experiencing is far beyond anything we can imagine. Perhaps their joy can, in some way, dilute our sorrow. Christians never really say “goodbye” but rather, “see you later.”

Rev. Jon T. Karn
pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org

QUESTION: Our 81-year-old neighbor has lived next door to us for 40 years. Her husband died and she has no living relative. She’s like family to us and we include her in our family gatherings. Although she’s in relatively good health and still drives, we try to look out for her. She can be stubborn and when my husband offers to take her trash barrels out, she declines. She won’t let us help carry in groceries, either. This past weekend, she took the barrels out, stumbled and fell. Thank God we were home and heard her cry. We went right over, picked her up and she seemed to be okay. We wanted to take her to Urgent Care but she didn’t want to go.

Our question is, how do you help someone who could really use the help without making them feel helpless?
~ Concerned Neighbor

Dear Concerned Neighbor,
Your neighbor is truly blessed to have you and your family as friends. I’m sure that your love and concern must mean a great deal to her. In approaching her, I think that her independence and dignity would be of the utmost importance. These are interwoven and as we grow older these can be harder to maintain. However, many individuals well into the 80s and even in their 90s are able to live very active and independent lives. We have many in my congregation that build fences, repair plumbing, plan gatherings, cook and deliver meals and so much more. So be careful in assuming that your neighbor is not able to take care of these things. A more productive conversation might be around how you might be available in case of an emergency. (There are personal alert systems that might be a good solution.) But she needs to be the one in control of these decisions.

Share with her your concern, ask how you might be of assistance and then respect her wishes. Most important of all, keep including her in your family. If not today, there will come a time when she will need to ask for the help you are offering.

May God continue to bless you for your great love for your neighbor.

As Jesus said, the second greatest commandment is “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Warmly,

Pastor Bill Flanders
bill_flanders@att.net

Dear Concerned Neighbor,
Oh my word! What a challenge, isn’t it? We want to be of service to someone who we clearly think is in need and yet they refuse to either accept our help or see that they are in need of help; it is very frustrating. Our heart breaks a little, too, when we see people struggle and we know we could ease their struggle if only they would only allow us to help or ask for it.

I have come to the conclusion that we can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. Often, there are underlying issues that we can’t see and have no knowledge of and, when trying to help where we aren’t wanted, may exacerbate the situation. Perhaps the stubbornness of your 81-year-old neighbor is her strength and resiliency that she draws on to hold onto her independence.

We aren’t a society that honors and values our elderly and I wonder if there is an underlying fear of losing her house or her independence if she shows any sign of vulnerability or weakness. Without having that conversation we just don’t know. If only we could ask: Are you afraid if you ask for help I might think of you as incapable of taking care of yourself any more?

As far as advice, I don’t have any. I would encourage you to continue asking your neighbor if she wants help and honoring her by respecting her decision if she declines. All we can really do for each other is be there when the other falls, offer a hand to help each other up, and do that over and over again.
Peace.

Holly Cardone
hollycardone1@gmail.com