Question: My wife passed away two years ago. She was the love of my life. We were married for almost 40 years. I still go to her gravesite every month and put flowers on her grave. I also talk to her frequently – sometimes out loud and sometimes silently.

My family, especially my son, is telling me that I should move on with my life – stop visiting her grave and especially stop talking to her. I have friends, a social life and I am active, but visiting my wife’s gravesite and talking to her helps me to feel better about life. I am wrong to want to feel connected to her?

~ Confused

Dear Confused,

Your connection to your wife is evident. I see nothing wrong with how you choose to honor her and stay connected to her. God promised us eternal life and in so doing I believe our loved ones who have gone on to heaven are still connected to us. Your son’s concerns about moving on with life and perhaps being open to new love are not mutually exclusive propositions.  

I think your heart can handle both. 

If connecting with your wife who has passed on brings you joy, then I suggest you follow your heart. If you feel you can’t move forward and be open to new possibilities, you must discern what works best for you.  

I do not think you need to feel guilty for having routines that honor your deceased spouse. Take one day at a time and, if the time comes when you find new love, know that does not diminish the love you had for your first loved one. 

Blessings, Love and Light 

Father Guy Leemhuis 
St. Luke’s of the Mountains

Dear Confused,

How blessed you are in having such a long, and wonderful marriage!

When we part from a loved one, there are many ways to grieve and to heal. It can look different for everyone, but the important part is to do whatever makes you feel good and right in your soul; whatever helps you to heal. This is not anyone else’s journey other than your own. It’s important to follow your heart, for only you know what’s best for you.

I appreciate your son’s concern, but it is your way of coping with the loss of your wife and he needs to understand that. It also depends upon the energy with which you carry out your “connecting.” If you are doing so with a feeling of lament or remorse, it is important to acknowledge those feelings without dwelling on them.

There is a difference between having an emotion and an emotion having you. Make sure you’ve emotionally moved on so as to you free yourself to be in a place of acceptance and renewal. If you’re already coming from a healed energy and bringing flowers to the gravesite and speaking with her brings you joy, so be it!

In Light,

Rev. Mary Morgan
mormari@aol.com