QUESTION: Although my husband and I have been married four years and would really like to have children, that hasn’t happened. I’m getting very discouraged and have suggested adoption but he is skeptical even though I’ve given him information about how agencies work to be certain the family and child are a match.

I don’t know where to go from here. Can you help me explain to him that adopting a child can be as much of a blessing as having our own? He’s willing to take your suggestions into consideration.

~ Yearning to be a Mom

Dear Yearning to be a Mom,

I can’t tell from your letter what your particular circumstances are; for instance, if you’ve been trying to have a baby for the four years you have been married or to what extent you’ve explored other options, such as invitro fertilization. So first I feel it’s important to address the idea of you and your husband having a baby together.

Sometimes, when we are trying to make things happen, the action of efforting can actually create a hindrance of the very thing we desire. Strange as it sounds, success in any area largely depends upon the energy from which we approach it. Trying hard to create an experience can be coming from a feeling of lack, or dwelling on what we don’t have, in our life to the point that wanting can actually block what we desire from showing up. It’s important to remember that whatever we focus on we will attract because God can only respond to us at the level from which we view and perceive life.

If your focus is coming from a place of acceptance and gratitude in the belief of what you desire becoming your experience that is what you will create because you have set your intention to receive what you desire. It’s positive thinking at its highest because you begin to look from your dream rather than to it for the answer. Apply this same thinking to the possibility of adopting a baby.

You are both clear about wanting a family. The moment you set your intentions with the belief that the perfect child is coming into your experience, it will happen. Adopting a child can be just as much of a blessing as having your own because the end result is a family and you are attracting the perfect child so you can build that family together. How you start your family may not be as important as fulfilling the desire to become parents and have a family. The child you raise, either by having a baby together or by adopting, will receive all the love and guidance you both have to offer and your lives will be all the richer for doing so.

In the end, prayer is always the best answer. No one but the two of you together can make the best choice for you as a couple. Trust that your prayer will be answered and you will be shown the best path to take.

Congratulations in advance!

Rev. Mary Morgan

mormari@aol.com

Dear Yearning to be a Mom,

Thank you for your letter and, as someone who has worked with several foster care organizations through the years, I appreciate your consideration of adopting children. I have relatives who were adopted into our family as children when they needed a home.

My daughter’s husband had been adopted as a child, as was his sister. I am so grateful to their parents who provided a safe home in which they grew up and thrived. I have gay friends who adopted and are raising two beautiful children who are a brother and a sister biologically. They are such a cute family.

In Los Angeles there are so many children and youth waiting to be adopted by a loving caring parent or parents. Yes, it takes a special kind of love to welcome a child into your lives, and it is not for everyone, but if you are unable to have biological children, there are so many looking for love. Recent movies like “Despicable Me” feature a story line of how those looking for a home can change your life.

I have also worked for kids who were waiting to be adopted. Each one of their stories broke my heart. They lived in temporary foster care homes where they awaited the day to be adopted. The older they were, the harder it was to place them, so their hope for family diminished as they grew older. I have also witnessed firsthand the joy of those who were adopted as they started a new life.

There are many reasons children become a part of the foster care system. There are many stereotypical stories of problems. But I would encourage you to call The Los Angeles County Dept. of Children and Family Services to get more accurate information without committing to any action. What they have to say might be just what your husband might need to hear.

Lastly, as a Christian, I believe we all have a call to care for the vulnerable in our midst. Jesus calls us to love not just those related to us by blood, but all of creation. We are all family, all of us, because we are all created by the one God.

I pray for you as you move forward in this journey. I trust God will guide you and give you wisdom as you consider adoption.

Blessings,

Rev. Steve Poteete-Marshall

planetarypilgrim@gmail.com

QUESTION: Our youngest son just enlisted in the Army. He is going in as a commissioned officer because of his graduate degrees. We’ve never interfered with our children’s decisions, but this one shook us to the core. Each day, it seems, our soldiers are losing their lives all over the world. We’ve always been a church-going family and our children were raised to believe in prayer. Our son tells us to pray for his protection and he’ll be just fine. Of course we will but looming in the backs of our minds is the “what if.”

Is there anything we can do besides pray that will help us to be peaceful about this?

~ Worried Parents

Dear Worried Parents,

Watching a child make choices that we don’t necessarily support is one of the most difficult of parenting skills. Scripture is replete with verses that encourage us, however, such as Philippians 4:6-7:
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

In this climate of uncertainty, our concern is increased making it difficult to live by these words of direction and encouragement. Our hearts hurt with the mere thought of harm coming to our precious ones and we look for ways to mitigate the pain we feel. All that while trying to honor our children’s sense of agency. Indeed a dilemma that’s metaphoric for the human condition.

Prayer is the best and most important gift we can give our children and ourselves. Also, we can begin to address our fears and take steps to deal with our anxiety, remaining peaceful in a place of acceptance. Capturing the “what if” thoughts and redirecting them to hopeful ideation is a great way to begin to minimize our anxiety. Scripture encourages us in 2 Corinthians 10:3-6:
“For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.”

That capturing may take the form of adopting a mindful practice, which could be deep breathing exercises to calm our frayed nerves, a new hobby, such as cooking or some form of art, or meditating on Scripture passages that promote peace. My personal favorite is Philippians 4:8-9:
“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy –meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.”

There are many cognitive behavioral options, as well. The choices range from normalizing anxious thoughts to de-catastrophizing our fears to developing alternative perspectives. All of which are useful, logistical measures should anxiety become overwhelming. I would be happy to assist you, should you wish to delve into these options to a greater extent.

In the meantime, know that you are not alone in your concern! Reach out to friends and family who can lend a listening ear and come alongside you in prayer. Sometimes just a cup of tea with a sensitive friend can do wonders for our state of mind!

I’ll be lifting you in hopeful prayer.

Blessings!

Lucinda Guarino

lguarino@ymcafoothills.org

Dear Worried Parents,

What a good job you must have done as parents to raise your son with the will and the courage to defend the rest of us. I thank you. He is looking out not just for his own interests, but also for the interests of his country, his neighbors, his parents and people like me! We can’t help but be appreciative.

And not only that! Your son is entering the Army as a commissioned officer! We can’t help but be impressed. Think of other parents whose sons were drafted in times of war. What they must have gone through, their sons, privates in the infantry. Charging through withering enemy fire at Normandy. Braving the Chinese onslaught in Korea. Enduring the jungle treachery of the Viet Cong. I can’t imagine.

Truman re-instituted the draft in 1948 and it lasted until Nixon ended it in 1973. Now we have an all-volunteer army, where brave service minded young men and women stand at the perimeter for us. They are an inspiration to us all. Beyond that, our President has made a commitment away from being the world’s policeman. I’m glad. I reject the idea that our boys need to be sent  into harm’s way anytime something bad happens anywhere in the world. This should have meaning for you personally.

And then there is your son, who has not shirked from danger. He has given you good advice. It sounds like he was paying attention in church. “Pray for me, Mom and Dad, and I’ll be just fine.” Would you like a guarantee? No parent gets that. On the other hand, a good God has been kind to you and has certainly reduced the odds of any sort of combat mishap with your son. My goodness! A commissioned officer in peacetime? With a praying mother and father? Take heart. I think your son is right. He’ll be fine. Now, if you’re worried about danger, when he comes home, pray for him when he drives on the freeway!

Rev. Jon T. Karn

pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org