QUESTION: I’m a senior citizen who is fortunate to have family and friends who love me and I love them. My challenge, which seems minor in comparison to others’ problems, is gifts that have been given to me.

I’m getting ready to downsize my belongings, which is why I’m asking this question. Many, which I really have no use for, are craft items and I already have two drawers full of them. I accept these gifts and always send thank you notes. I once gave something to a local thrift store and the person who gave it to me saw it there. I was really embarrassed and I certainly didn’t want to diminish the intention of the person who gave it to me. So now I stay away from giving things to thrift stores and I don’t put them in garage sales I’ve had with my neighbors.

Is there a nice way of saying, “No more stuff, please” without hurting feelings? I’d much rather have my friends and family members’ company rather than “things.”

~ Too Much Stuff

Dear Too Much Stuff,

Firstly, consider yourself blessed that you have so many loving family
members and friends who are giving you all these gifts – so many presents
in fact that you don’t know what to do with them. As the saying goes, “This
should be your worst problem.”

Now to address your issue. I find that it is always best to be upfront with
people and directly address issues you may have with them. I feel that you
should tell your family and friends that you truly appreciate their gestures
but would rather they not give you any more stuff. You should of
course also clearly explain why you are making this request.

Regarding
those who have already given you gifts – especially the handmade ones – I
would suggest you call them up and ask them what they feel would be an
appropriate way to dispose of these special items. Perhaps they will
suggest donating them to a charitable organization’s thrift store or they
may even propose that you return the item. Whatever they decide should be
your approach to these gifts. Once you do this, you will no longer have to
worry about any repercussions.

Finally, this is a great learning lesson for all of us. We live in a
culture where gifting “stuff” has become a mainstay of many social and
holiday functions. Most of us truly do appreciate the things that we get
and cherish the sentiment behind it. However, there are those who simply do
not want, need or have the space for these articles and would much
rather receive gifts of a more ethereal nature. For these people a note of
a charitable donation made in their honor would be more appropriate and will
go further in enhancing the bonds of family and friendship.

With the best of wishes,


Rabbi Simcha Backman

rabbi@chabadcenter.org

Dear Too Much Stuff,

Ahh, so many of us can relate to your question. I have a very loving husband who likes to bring me “trinkets” from every event he either works or attends and 99% of them I have no use or space for! It’s not always easy to ask someone to not “gift” you when it comes from a loving intent.

There are a few strategies nonetheless. The first and most genuine is to be honest with your friends. Tell them how much you truly appreciate their friendship and their love and, as much as you enjoy all their gifts, you honestly just don’t have the space for them. And tell them the best gift they can give you is their company! That will work with most people without offending them.

Should someone be offended anyway, remember it is not your responsibility to take that on. As Don Miguel Ruiz talks about in his book, “The Four Agreements,” we shouldn’t take things personally. We can be understanding, empathetic and compassionate, but we also have to be true to ourselves and our needs. If you feel you absolutely must accept their gift, do so without burden or guilt.

Regarding giving things away to thrift shops or yard sales, isn’t it better to release this “treasure’ to someone else who can give it a loving home rather than have it stashed away in a drawer getting no use or pleasure? Better to take a picture of them and create a collage to put on your wall of all these treasures. Then not only can you look at them and be reminded of your wonderful, thoughtful friends and family, but so can they!

At the end of the day, this “problem” pales in comparison to real world issues, as you said. So, maybe another solution is to find a charity or organization that could use the gift. Many even pick up things at your home so nobody needs to be the wiser!

Here’s to less stuff and more love!

Warmly,

Rev. Dr. Ellen Contente

revellenfaith@gmail.com

QUESTION: A friend who I’ve known since childhood just found out that her son, who was deployed to Afghanistan, lost his life in combat. She lives on the east coast and I’m here in California. I love her like a sister and I don’t know how to comfort her from a distance. I don’t have the funds to travel to be by her side, although I would like to. I’ve been talking to her every day on the phone and we cry together.

We’re both Christians and we believe in eternal life. We just have problems with a life cut short by violence. I want you to know we don’t blame God.

Please give me some suggestions on how I can help her get through this.

~ Love My Friend

Dear Love My Friend,

I think it is wonderful that she has a friend like you. In Proverbs 18:24 it states, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother (sister).” She needs you to do exactly what it seems like you are doing – being a friend who will be there for her and be a safe place for her to share all that she feels.

I’m not sure there is any pain worse that the loss of a child and you should not expect that she will ever get over it completely (although certainly she can heal). I hope you can continue to be there for her for the months and years to come. Sometimes grieving people get a lot of support initially but they can feel that, as time passes, others have forgotten that they still suffer. Keep listening, praying for her, and praying with her.

Often the toughest thing for us when we want to help someone who is grieving is feeling like you don’t know what to say or what to do. I love the words that God gives us in Proverbs 19:20 where it states: “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.” Fortunately for us today, there are some fantastic resources available to teach us. I would recommend a couple of websites as starting places. Compassionate Friends at www.compassionatefriends.org can help you know how to help her. Grief Recovery at www.griefrecoverymethod.com will help her know how to move forward with her life.

As a pastor for many years, I have learned that I don’t need to know everything, I just need to know where to go to find what I (and others) need to know.
I will pray for you and this situation. Please contact me if you think I can help you in any other way.

Reese Neyland


r.neyland@live.com

Dear Love My Friend,

Each of us will experience loss in our lifetime. Some seem to experience more loss than others. Certainly the loss of a child is a loss that is far more painful and life-changing than any we may face. One of the most difficult consequences of loss can be the many unanswered questions that we believe could, or would, bring us comfort or clarity as we walk through the loss to the other side.

As Christians we have the knowledge, awareness and opportunity to walk through our losses with God as our friend, comforter, healer and guide. As you have shared how you are supporting your friend (sister in Christ) through her loss, I see the evidence of God providing through you His tangible love and support He is providing her. I encourage you to continue to lovingly care for your friend and find comfort in knowing that the heart of your love and the support, trust and freedom that you offer in allowing her to express the depth of her loss are blessings for her.

Embrace the gifts that God is giving you, for He not only calls on you as his disciple, but continues to provide opportunities for your own personal growth in your walk with Him.

Lovingly, God’s Blessings,

Laura Neven

expressingod@aol.com