Question: Ours has been a storybook marriage … until now. My husband Tom and I have been married for 40 years. He’s 70 and I’m 68. We have two successful children and four beloved grandchildren. Prior to the pandemic, we traveled the world and took the kids with us while they were still at home.

Now there are conflicting reports about traveling and most of them suggest no travel. Tom is “itching” to travel and I’m not. I’d like to wait at least six months or even more to even think about traveling. He’s angry that I’m not “jumping on his boat,” according to him. Our relationship has deteriorated over the last few weeks. We’re both double vaccinated and he’s asking, “So what’s the problem?”

I’d rather be safe than sorry. I’m so sad that we seem to be drifting apart over this issue. Please help us get back on track. ~ Rather Stay Home

Hello, Rather Stay Home,

This is a rather difficult situation in which to respond. I would rather not have my response be taken by you or your spouse as a way of saying, “See, I told you so.” And so I will be as fair and impartial as I can be. 

Traveling at this time is something to be considered with much caution and planning. There are many locales still unwilling to invite those from the “outside” to be a part of the community. They are protecting the measures they have put in place to keep their own locals safe, and are cautious about letting others come into “the bubble” and perhaps disrupt the equilibrium. And so the destination will need to be thought out carefully and with an increased amount of planning.

My question is, “Why is the need to travel so high on Tom’s attention radar?” Does he just want to “get away” from the day-to-day experiences of the pandemic? The difficulty comes into account when we again realize that leaving where we are will not get us out of the pandemic and the changes it has made to our reality. The scene may change, but the story continues. Travel may seem like an escape, but it will not change the challenges of dealing with COVID-19 or the repercussions in society. We need to take a moment to rethink what it is to travel, because we cannot escape the pandemic.

If you want an “escape” in the safest and least disruptive way, I would suggest finding an online travel community that explores online at the present moment and looks forward to the time when travel will again be open and easier. Not to advertise one over another, but our family has found that Monday Night Travels with Rick Steves (https://www.ricksteves.com/travel-tips/travel-classes/monday-night-travel) has been a great way to “travel” online in hopes of the time when we will again be able to do it in person. It has helped with the “travel bug” that has also infected us after having to change major travel plans a number of times over the last year. 

My advice would be to stay home physically and travel mentally and spiritually by connecting online with a community that is also struggling with wanting to “jump on the boat” and get away.

Here’s to traveling!

Pastor Scott Peterson
pastor@lcifoothills.org

Dear Rather Stay Home,

First, congratulations on a 40-year marriage! My 67-year-old husband and I at 74 also celebrated that milestone recently. We, too, loved to travel pre-pandemic and have been staying safer at home since March 13, 2020.

I can understand both your and Tom’s point of view. Risk of infections is greatly reduced by any of the approved vaccines according to numerous studies and reports, yet headlines announce that the South African COVID variant may not be deterred by vaccines. Viruses mutate constantly; hence, the different flu shot mix every year. There’s not enough data on effectiveness long term and what data is collected isn’t necessarily consistent. Different jurisdictions have different criteria and credibility. Reasonable people will have different levels of risk avoidance.

I hope you two can come to a mutually agreeable compromise on venturing out. How about a scenic drive to start with­ – just a day out to see wild flowers or the ocean? Have masks at the ready in case you encounter others. You could try camping with social distancing. If you’re not equipped for car camping there are RVs for rent. Maybe a train trip, again with social distancing and other protocols. Have you considered separate vacations? He could take a trip, maybe with vaccinated buddies, and you can have a “staycation” with whatever treats you want delivered to your doorstep. You could share the day via video chat each evening. Relationships tend to evolve over time in my experience.

I hope you find a new normal that pleases you both.

Sharon Weisman
sharon@jetcafe.org

Question: With so much going on in our country and the world at this time, this may seem like a small problem but it’s quite annoying. I have a group of friends – there are six of us – who get together a few times a month. It’s difficult to, as my mother used to say, “get a word in edgewise.” They interrupt and they don’t seem to be listening. Just about the time there’s a lull in conversation, I try to jump in just to be drowned out by at least two speaking at once.

Please say something about being good conversationalists and listening.

~ Unwillingly Silenced

Dear Unwillingly Silenced,

I am sorry to hear that the experience of getting together with your friends is leaving you drowned out and silenced. I am sure that you are a wonderful listener but for a true conversation – and a true friendship – to happen, there has to be an exchange, not just one side dominating.

I wonder if you even have had an opportunity to let your friends know how you feel. I assume that, because you continue getting together with them, they are people who you appreciate and that’s why not being listened to by them affects you. I am afraid that there is no other way to address the challenge that you are facing but to talk to them about it.

I recently had such a conversation with my closest brother after noticing that every time we talked on the phone it was all about him, his challenges, his family, his job … his, his, his. I felt I was growing distant from him and one day I just asked him for time to talk and said, “Every time we talk it is all about your stuff and, unless I call you, you don’t call neither. I love you, and I need this to change. I want you to call me, too, and I want you to show interest in my life.” 

He apologized and said that he did not know what he was doing. He promised to call more and show more interest, and he has done it. 

I have had a similar conversation with other friends and relatives and the outcome has not been the same. For some, it seems as if I had said nothing, and that has made us distant. By sitting in those meetings with your friends and listening to all they have to say you are exemplifying Jesus’ command of love for the other. However, that principle of love has another very important part: the love for yourself. “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:39) Jesus was a great listener and he also expressed himself aloud and often. He gave messages about how he felt regarding situations and people. He knew how to feel, and he voiced his feelings.

I invite you to recognize how you truly feel. That will allow you to talk about it openly and promote the change that you seek. Try to find online the Feeling Wheel designed by Dr. Gloria Willcox. It is a proven visual aid that helps people recognize, talk about, and express their feelings. Once you recognize your feelings and, out of love, I encourage you to express to your friends how you feel and what you want. It is a worth the risk with people that you care about.

I wish you the very best in your journey of reaffirming the great value that your feelings and your voice do have.

Rev.  Antonio Gallardo
agallardo@stlukeslacrescenta.org

Dear Unwillingly Silenced,

Some people really don’t bother to listen. They are too busy waiting until they are able to talk. So when that lull you speak of comes up they jump in no matter what else may be going on. 

Your timing is important. Don’t rely on anyone else to let you talk. Obviously they are not inclined that way. And they certainly do not care about being “good conversationalists.” 

When someone tries to jump in on top of your comment, look right at them and say, “Hold on for a minute, I would just like to say that…” You must be a bit more assertive with these folks. You will need to practice this a few times to get more and more confident enough to break in. Don’t give up if it doesn’t work the first time. The others will learn that you will not be unwillingly silenced anymore. It is up to you.

Rabbi Janet Bieber
jbieber1155@aol.com