QUESTION: My husband and I have raised our three children – ages 7, 9 and 12 – to be compassionate and generous. As a family, we’ve joined others to clean beaches and we always give wherever we can at Christmas. Our 7-year-old daughter has noticed a classmate who appears to not have very many clothes and the ones she does have are old. She wants to give the girl some of her own clothes and, I have to admit, she does have a lot; not just from us, but from grandparents and aunts. At first, I thought size would be an issue, but she pointed the little girl out to me when I picked her up from school. They are close to the same size. Then I began thinking the real issue is not hurting parents’ feelings.

We don’t know how to go about this and we think it would be best to buy new clothes. We know nothing about the child’s family except she has a younger brother and her father has been ill. Sometimes I think we should just forget the idea, but our daughter keeps asking and the truth is my conscience is getting to me. My question is, what would you do?

~ Hesitant Mom

Dear Hesitant Mom,

I am inspired by the way you are raising your children and your 7-year-old daughter’s example is powerful! The great Christian missionary, Paul, writes to the church in the ancient city of Colosse: “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12).
My first thought is that you could reach out to the girl and her family in order to get to know them better. If they became friends then you could know more about their situation. The needs might be more or less than you initially thought. And your friendship would take away a lot of the awkwardness of approaching them without knowing them.

Jesus was a fantastic example of someone who served others in a very personal way.
Of course, you certainly could just approach them directly and offer them some of your daughter’s used clothes. I like that better than buying new clothes because it allows your daughter to make a personal sacrifice that she has already decided on her own to make. If you approach them this way, you don’t have to say anything that indicates that you are doing that because you think they are poor. I suppose there is a chance they still might be insulted but I would rather risk doing that than not acting on your daughter’s desire to be generous.

I hope that helps. I would love to hear how this turns out for you, so feel free to contact me directly if you choose.

Reese Neyland

r.neyland@live.com

Dear Hesitant Mom,

Your feelings are in the right vein. However, here are a few steps to take to make a smooth and acceptable transference of the clothes.

I would first go to the teacher of both girls and share your thoughts and concerns on this matter. Hopefully, she or he will know more about the little girl’s situation. Perhaps s/he would facilitate the exchange by introducing you on the phone after s/he has explained what you would like to do for the child. The teacher should call the parents without the donor parents’ presence first then facilitate the call.

If all that goes well and the girl’s parents are open to it, then you might be able to leave the bag of clothes at the school to be picked up by the girl’s parent.

It is clear that your daughter cares for her classmate; however, she would have to be careful not to tell others that her classmate is wearing her clothes. It would have to be their special secret.

The highest form of giving is anonymously. A 12th Century Jewish scholar of great magnitude, Maimonides, is credited with inventing a “ladder of giving.” There are eight rungs. Each represents a level of giving from one, highest, to eight, lowest. Here is Maimonides’ list. This is taken from the “Mishneh Torah, Laws about Giving To Poor People.”

1. Giving an interest-free loan to a person in need; forming a partnership with a person in need; giving a grant to a person in need; finding a job for a person in need, so long as that loan, grant, partnership, or job results in the person no longer living by relying upon others.

2. Giving tzedakah (translated as charity, though literally it means righteousness), anonymously to an unknown recipient via a person (or public fund) that is trustworthy, wise and can perform acts of tzedakah with your money in a most impeccable fashion.

3. Giving tzedakah anonymously to a known recipient.

4. Giving tzedakah publicly to an unknown recipient.

5. Giving tzedakah before being asked.

6. Giving adequately after being asked.

7. Giving willingly, but inadequately.

8. Giving “in sadness” (giving out of pity). It is thought that Maimonides was referring to giving because of the sad feelings one might have in seeing people in need (as opposed to giving because it is a religious obligation). Other translations say, “Giving unwillingly.” This would be both levels 5 and 4. 

Not bad for a little girl, seeing a need and giving before she is asked.  People like her are much needed in our world today.

Rabbi Janet Bieber

jbieber1155@aol.com

QUESTION: Is there a way to help someone who is way overweight and eating themselves into what appears to be an early grave? I’m writing about my younger sister, who began eating and gaining weight after her fiancé was killed in a motorcycle accident two years ago. We just found out she has diabetes and high blood pressure.

I have a good job and told her I’d pay for a therapist and any program that will get her back on track, but she refuses. I understand her pain and grief, but I just don’t know what else I can do. I am praying for her.

~Forlorn Sister

Dear Forlorn Sister,

I have often seen this. When someone loses one they love so deeply, they wish to die themselves. Most people come to a point where they choose life and go on living. For some, the loss is so great they can become imprisoned and defined by that loss to the point they engage in what we recognize as self-destructive behaviors. As you have discovered, it is difficult for your sister to choose life.

Let me say how fortunate she is to have someone in her life who is so compassionate, kind and understanding, and who is willing to advocate for her. I think you are right. In this instance, prayer is the answer in getting her to accept the help she needs to make that first step on the road to recovery. And, I would add, we need the right type of prayer.

There are two types of prayer: begging/supplication and affirmative. The first is what most people think is prayer: We are supplicants who beg and plead for our need or the need of others to be met. The second is affirmative prayer. Ernest Holmes, founder of the Science of Mind, discovered that for prayer to be successful, we must be specific with the Infinite. We must speak the solution we wish realized as opposed to the situation as it currently is, and we should do so with faith. By faith, we mean an unshakable or confident belief (free of doubt and free of fear) that the declared solution is what is true, and that it is going to appear. God always responds to a prayer of faith.

Here is an affirmative prayer you can say for your sister, especially when you feel challenged or concerned by her health and negative self-choices. Print it out and repeat whenever you feel the need, and watch the miracle begin to unfold:

“I know my sister is a Divine child of God. I know that she is truly loved and supported by the Father, who only wishes perfect health and happiness for her. I know my sister chooses life, health and happiness. This is her reality. This is her truth. I know and am thankful for the wonderful healings in her mind, attitude and body that are now taking place. I know she sees new and promising beginnings for herself; and this fills her with hope, joy and excitement for the good that is hers; and for all the good that is ahead for her. Thank you for this blessing Father. I release its perfect accomplishment unto you. Amen.”

Anthony Kelson, RScP

anthony@apkelson.com

Dear Forlorn Sister,

I want to start off by saying that your sister is blessed to have a sister who cares for her. Your sister has gone through a traumatic life event. As most of us know, losing a loved one is probably one of the deepest levels of grief a person can experience. When humans are heartbroken, many assume habits that provide immediate, but temporary, relief. Death is a level of pain too difficult to carry upon our shoulders day-in and day-out.

“Self-medicating” is a term used for behaviors people engage in to temporarily alleviate pain. Self-medicating habits can include drugs or alcohol, spending, unhealthy sexual behavior, shopping, overeating and the like. While these momentary acts can bring brief relief, they never get to the root of the pain and heal it. This is why unhealthy habits can change the course of our lives: our physical and emotional health, our professional success, our social support system or lack thereof, and even our finances.

As you know, your sister is avoiding the root of her pain, which is grief and loss. And while it is true that many people can get through a season like this and eventually discover that time diminishes the intensity of pain, others cannot effectively cope with the pain and healing process. Self-medicating never heals natural pain nor does it bring us back to a baseline of health in life by which we rebuild our life based on a new normal.

For some families, it can be helpful to get together and discuss your loved ones’ unhealthy habits. The next step is a game plan by which to address and offer assistance to your sister. Next, the involved family and friends can meet together with your sister doing an intervention of sorts. When done in a way that is loving and not shaming, interventions can show your broken family member how much they are loved and provide the tangible support they need to make changes that lead to permanent healing … not just temporary self-medication. Explaining to your sister just how much she is loved and supported could finally help her reach a breaking point where she is willing to get help to permanently heal the deep-seeded pain she is experiencing.

I agree that professional therapy is an excellent way to process and heal the root of the pain. I often liken therapy to getting rid of a weed in our garden. Sure, we can mow the lawn and cut the top off of the weed, but it will grow back. With therapy, we address the “root” of the pain and pull the root of the pain up and out, bringing permanent relief and healing. Ultimately, the memory of her fiancé will never go away, but the excruciating pain and unhealthy habits can end, and your sister can live life again with hope and new beginnings, instead of harming herself in her grief.

If needed, I am happy to help with therapy in anyway I can.

Kimberlie Zakarian, LMFT

kimberlie.zakarian@gmail.com