Question: We’ve been married for six years, love children and would really like to have our own. So far this hasn’t happened. We’re even thinking about adopting. We mentioned this to our parents, which we wish we hadn’t. Three out of four of them made comments like, “You never know what you’ll be getting, etc.” The adoption agencies we’ve contacted assured us that we would get a healthy baby and provided us with helpful information that we’ve passed on to our parents.

We want them to rejoice with us rather than discourage us. Is there something we can tell them so we’re all on the same page? ~ Wannabe Parents

Dear Wannabe Parents,

As an adoptive father, I want to encourage you. My wife and I continue to count the blessings of adopting our eldest son. Welcoming a new life into your home, whether by birth or by adoption, is always beautiful, wonderful and life-giving. After speaking of the joys of having children, likening them to arrows in a warrior’s hand, the psalmist in the Bible concludes, “Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them!” (Psalm 127:5)

From my own experience, I have found that people closest to us are well meaning but can sometimes speak out of fear and worry. They love us and want to protect us. What parent doesn’t want their child to have a perfect and pain-free life? But I hear you. We all need encouraging words in the midst of such important decisions.

My suggestion is threefold. First, try to gently and individually tell your parents how their discouraging words affected you. Perhaps introduce it by acknowledging that you know they want the best for you. Second, invite them into the process of learning about adoption with you. Maybe even ask them to help you assess your adoption agency options. They aren’t all the same. Your parents may be able to help you make a better choice. Third, find a way to share the experiences of adoptive parents. Don’t focus on the “newspaper stories.” Listen to the lived experience of the many adoptive parents all around you. The overwhelming testimony is one of grateful blessing.

I will pray for God to guide you to the children he has planned for you and for peace, joy and encouragement in the process. God loves adoption! (Ephesians 1:5)

Three arrows in my quiver,

Father Rob Holman
rob@stlukesanglican.org

Dear Wannabe Parents,

It’s very kind and generous for you and your husband to consider adoption to start your family. How sad all of your parents aren’t supportive of your plans.

My first thought regarding the expressed objection is people don’t know what they’re getting with biological children, either! The March of Dimes non-profit organization notes birth defects occur in about 3% of U.S. births. And most people know families with much disappointment and discord among generations with biological links even when all concerned are in good health.

Pregnancy has risks for the mother, too. Last month CNN reported: “The number of women who died of maternal causes in the United States rose to 1,205 in 2021, according to a report from the National Center for Health Statistics, released Thursday by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.” That’s a sharp increase from years earlier: 658 in 2018, 754 in 2019 and 861 in 2020. That means the U.S. maternal death rate for 2021 – the year for which the most recent data is available – was 32.9 deaths per 100,000 live births, compared with rates of 20.1 in 2019 and 23.8 in 2020. Perhaps knowing these risks will make all of your parents more open to having adopted grandchildren.

Maybe sharing information about happy families with adopted members you may know of will change the minds of those who are concerned. Enlist siblings, if either of you have them, and/or other family members to share examples too. I’m fortunate to have grown up with adopted family members so, to me, it’s just another way to form a family.

If you haven’t done so already, it may help to share your hope with your three non-supportive parents that they will join you in working through the adoption process in the same way they would want to participate in the expectation of a biological child.

Another possibility is fostering children. Many are available for adoption and it’s possible your reluctant parents will find one adorable and a perfect match for their expectations of a grandchild.

There is a myth or urban legend that adopting a child will lead to a pregnancy but I wasn’t able to find any recent statistics on the percentage of adoptive parents who later have a biological child.

Good luck in your quest to be parents.

Question: After finally retiring from my job as a nurse, I want to travel. I have travel brochures from all over the world and I’m very excited about relaxing and doing what I want to do.

My two adult children don’t want me to travel. In fact, we’ve had some serious discussions about this. I don’t like to call them arguments. We all go to the same church and I have faith I’ll be safe traveling. I even talked to our pastor and he said, “Go for it! We’ll pray for your safety.”

I don’t like to be at odds with my kids. Any suggestions to get their approval is appreciated. ~ An Almost World Traveler

Dear Almost World Traveler,

I sent away for my first travel brochure when I was 9 years old. I kept my bedroom clock on Scottish time and I bought a bagpipe record. I was raring to go; however, the Universe had other plans. I was blessed with three wonderful (now grown up) children, and I never travelled outside the U.S. until 2010! Like you, I had a career in healthcare and kept dreaming of traveling. My father passed away in 2009, and my youngest child was old enough to be without me for 10 days. That’s when I knew it was time to go.

And it was amazing! Actress, philanthropist and world traveler Angelina Jolie said, “If you don’t get out of the box you’ve been raised in, you won’t understand how much bigger the world is.”

Our Mother Earth is truly spectacular and mostly because of the beautiful diversity of its people and cultures. As a minister, and part of the Centers for Spiritual Living organization (which is worldwide), I believe that we are all one, and yet each of us shines like a multi-faceted gem, infused with the light of God. Seeing God in everyone, everywhere was something Jesus lived and taught.

Your children obviously love you and want to protect you. But, as I have said in my articles before, it is not their job to protect you from living your life the way you choose to live it. Your job is to live and love in every moment and not allow the fear of others to make your decisions for you. As a nurse, you have cared for others your whole adult life. It is your turn now to explore your heart’s desire, which is the voice of spirit within you, calling you to a greater expression of yourself.

I’m off to Europe again this summer as I have been enjoying traveling since 2010. I suggest that you plan ahead, take precautions, have a cellphone with you, stay in communication with your children and, like your wise pastor said, “Go for it!”

Rev. Karen Mitchell
revkarenmitchell@gmail.com

Dear World Traveler,

What a wonderful pastor you have! Not everybody is so blessed to have such an insightful and prayerful pastor. Please pass on my compliments to him.

Your kids on the other hand! It’s just terrible and I’ll tell you why. They sound just like I did when my mom decided to become a missionary to Japan when she was in her 60s. I remember it like yesterday. What a miserable idea! Becoming a missionary was a great idea for everybody! Except for my mom. Traveling all that way! Being gone for so long! So many things could go wrong! And sure enough – while mom was in Kobe, Osaka there was a 7.3 massive earthquake that killed 6,000 people! Though scared for my mom, I felt vindicated that my caution was indeed warranted.

But enough about me. We’re talking about you. (By the way, Mom survived just fine and had lots of stories to tell about God’s loving watch care over her. The lesson here was for me: I am not my mother’s keeper.)

Here’s the point: One day, bit by bit, you had to let go of your kids and let them do more. You let them grow and experience more and more freedom as they got older. It wasn’t easy, but you did it. Personally, I think a retired nurse has seen it all and can do anything! Now it’s your kids’ turn.

The rest home is a long way off for you! You’ve got a lot of living yet to do, baby! Bring your kids a souvenir from your travels! Tell them to pray for you! Take pictures! Make new friends! Get your shots. Don’t forget to pack your Bible. You’ll come home with lots of great stories! And whatever you do, bring something nice home for your thoughtful pastor.