Question: My husband’s mother is 83, is very independent and still drives. She hasn’t had a ticket for close to 40 years. We stay in close touch with her, but she seldom asks us for anything.

Two weeks ago, her purse was stolen out of her shopping cart even though she only turned her back to the cart for a couple of minutes. She was very upset and called us right away. Thank God for cellphones! We helped her cancel everything – credit cards, etc. – and now we’d like to gently insist we go shopping with her. We alluded to that when we were helping her contact DMV, and credit card/bank card agencies. She said, “Absolutely not! You are too busy with your jobs and family to take time for me!”

She has health issues that we know causes stress when things like this happen. Our question is: Should we insist or is there a better way of letting her know we care about her health and safety? ~ Love My Mother-in-Law

Dear Love My Mother-In-Law,

I totally relate to your question as my own mother lived alone in her big house for many years and I was her only caregiver. I was constantly leaving my phone on all night just in case she needed something, and I worried about her ability to care for herself dreading the phone call that she had fallen down the stairs she slowly climbed each day.

Thankfully, it sounds like you aren’t in a critical situation at this point. Your active mom-in-law uses her cellphone, shops for herself and seems to be dealing very well with being in her 80s. Even the youngest woman can have her purse stolen in a supermarket so I don’t feel that is any cause for alarm, or a signal that she needs more help with basic functioning.

Even more good news here is that the first thing she did was to call you. She seems to have no problem reaching out to you when it’s necessary. I invite you to consider that with our average life span extending many years beyond what it was when we were younger, 83 is the new 73 (and for some, the new 63!) It is important that your mom-in-law feels that she is a vital and independent person with purpose and value. When we jump in to help someone else, no matter what age, when they don’t really need our help we are robbing them of the dignity to live their own life in their own God-given unique way. Our job is not to save people from life’s challenges, but to love them through those challenges.

In answer to your question, definitely don’t insist on helping unless there is a true health or safety issue. I will never forget the night I called my mom one last time before going to bed and she had just had a stroke. Everything changed that night and now she is active, and happier than ever, in a thriving assisted living community. If you notice that your mom-in-law’s health is being compromised by undue stress, take her out for a nice lunch or a drive. Keep the lines of communication open, listen to her feelings about her life and let her know that you truly are there for her when she eventually does need more help. Most importantly, don’t expect the worst at every turn. Dr. Ernest Holmes teaches us, “Prepare your mind to receive the best that life has to offer” and I am glad to say that there is no age limit in that wise statement. 

Rev. Karen Mitchell
revkarenmitchell@gmail.com

Dear Lady Who Loves Her Mother-in-Law,      

First of all, thanks for caring. Not every daughter-in-law loves her mother-in-law. Nor does every son-in-law love his mother-in-law. (I won’t tell any mother-in-law joke here!)  But this is a serious situation and I understand your concern. However, I’m not really sure you can “insist” on anything yet. Also – full disclosure – I just turned 80 and my wife is “somewhat” older and we both are still good drivers. We are blessed with good health and we both still work.

So, since I’m almost your mother-in-law’s age, you may take what I say with a grain of salt. However, even though you may worry about your mother-in-law’s capabilities, the law doesn’t care about your worries! If I were you, I would suggest again that you go shopping with her but, if she declines your offer, I think you have to back off. Remind her from time to time that you are “available” if she needs you. And keep on reminding her. But I don’t think you can “force” her to do anything.

By the way, in my Upland congregation, we have a woman who just turned 92 and she drives a big ol’ SUV … and not everybody is happy about the idea!

Thanks for caring and keeping watch. But I’m afraid you’ll just have to keep worrying. Do you really want to try to get her declared incompetent? I’m sure the answer is no. Worrying about her and checking up on her from time to time is ­– in my humble opinion – a much better solution. Have you noticed? We are all living longer these days. Something else for you to worry about! 

Question: From the time our children were very young we taught them to be kind to everyone and everything, including people, animals and plant life. They also learn this at the children’s church they attend. Our son, Will, who is in kindergarten, came home very upset because some of his classmates were being unkind toward another classmate. He told them that we’re supposed to be kind to everyone and one of the kids slapped him. At this point, the teacher intervened and told all of them that they must be kind to one another. The kid who slapped Will was taken aside and was told never, ever, to hit anyone again.

Our concern is our son is dismayed at this behavior. We know as he grows older he will experience inconsiderate people. We’d like suggestions to help Will remain strong and not allow these negative behaviors to affect him. We also have told him it’s wrong to retaliate.

We’re grateful for your help. ~ Devoted Parents

Dear Devoted Parents,

My heart is grieved by the behavior of some young people these days. Some are not learning decent and respectful norms of society while others suffer disruption from the past few years of instability. The circumstances, in both instances, cause us to reflect on the state of our world. Yet, on the other hand, I’m grateful for those who deem it necessary to raise their children with integrity and virtues, despite others’ habits. Scripture encourages us to: “Train a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old he will not turn away from it.” Proverbs 22:6 (GW)

And that verse sounds precisely like what you’re gifting to your son. Kudos to you both!

We’ve just experienced Holy Week, the Passion, and the resurrection, and we’re now nearing Pentecost. This season would be a rich time to discuss the path that Jesus elected to take, modeling strength amid adversity. You and your church team might walk through what sacrifices look like and why we choose to pray for instead of curse people who have wronged us.

You might remind Will that even though Jesus didn’t do anything wrong, others made fun of Him, ridiculed and were mean to Him, and all the while, He remained steadfast in His convictions and promises to His Father and us. Since your son is only 5 years old, keep the discussion age-appropriate and straightforward. Children are exceptional at grasping the essence of what we say to them when we don’t complicate the information.

From a practical point of view, you may consider meeting with your son’s teacher with Will in attendance. Perhaps have a brief discussion about what happened and make some agreements between the four of you that will give Will some options should a similar situation arise. This way, he will feel loved and protected and be empowered to make some positive choices for himself.

Open a line of communication that assists him in knowing that he can come to you with any question and you’ll take the time to help him understand. Sometimes that answer will be elusive and you can research some possibilities together. This practice will be the foundation for more complex questions as he gets older.

“Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4 (AMPC)

I remember a story about a young child who asked his father about sex. The father awkwardly launched into a conversation about the birds and the bees. Then, after some time, he paused and asked his child if he understood. The child nodded but quizzically asked, “Dad, am I male or female? What sex am I?”

The story is an example of too much information. Remember: age-appropriate is the key. First, discern the true nature of the question and then answer in ways that speak directly to the issue at hand. Children are satisfied with direct answers, for the most part, and will return with additional questions if there’s a need.

As you pray for guidance and direction, the Lord will provide ways for you to address this and other complicated matters of faith with your son. I’m warmed by the intentionality of your question and beseech Holy Spirit to come alongside you with wisdom and discernment. Jesus shared the importance of our children’s questions with us in Matthew 19:14: “Then some little children were brought to him so that he could put his hands on them and pray for them. The disciples frowned on the parents’ action but Jesus said, ‘You must let little children come to me, and you must never stop them. The kingdom of Heaven belongs to little children like these!’ Then he laid his hands on them and went on his way. (DARBY)

Be well & be blessed!

Dear Devoted Parents, 

As someone with a 2-month-old baby girl, I feel the weight of your question a bit heavier now. Raising children to be courageously kind is a difficult, yet vital, task. I think that you are right to see that there will be more instances of inconsiderate people who will try to tear down your son’s kindness, but Jesus demonstrates that one act of kindness can change someone’s world. Jesus was kind towards a tax collector named Zacchaeus (Luke 19.) Tax collectors in the first century weren’t any more popular then. This is mostly because they made their wealth from collecting extra money on top of the taxes. But Jesus actually was kind towards him, and Zacchaeus changed his entire life in response to his kindness. He went from stealing from others to being generous and kind. One moment of Jesus’ kindness changed the world not just for Zacchaeus, but all the people around him. Your son will (far too) quickly learn that kindness isn’t always rewarded by others. But character is a better reward. The kindness he shows will have a lasting impact on those around him. One of the best things you can do for your son is to remind him that, in the long run, being kind to others can change lives in a way that cruelty and inconsiderate people cannot. 

Pastor Jeff Blanton
JeffB@madeforcommunity.com