Dear Spirit Speaks,

I am an older woman that was married for years, but my husband passed away several years ago. I have two children, but I am not close to them. They both live quite a distance from me and while they check in every now and then, they rarely spend time with me.

I am finding that I just don’t have the friendships that I used to have because many of my friends have passed away. It has become abundantly clear to me that I am lonely. I don’t have my husband to talk to or cuddle with, my family doesn’t have much to do with me, and I rarely get out or have a chance to talk with anyone.

I can see that my feelings are affecting my health, and I just don’t have the energy that I used to because I feel so sad all the time. I could really use your advice about what to do to get over my loneliness.

Sincerely,

Lonely

Dear Spirit Speaks,

I happen to be a clergy person, so what I have to say may seem obvious.  Have you thought about going to church? If you already do, ask the pastor for an appointment to talk about what you’re feeling. Also, have you let your kids in on what you are feeling? They may live a long way away, but they should still be told that Mom is not in a good way right now. If you don’t want to go to church, have you thought about volunteering? Every time I’m at the blood bank I see people who are volunteering their time. Whatever you do, reach out. We human beings are meant to be with each other, and you need to try. Finally, just in case you think church is filled with hypocrites, remember this from an older minister friend of mine: “If people complain about not wanting to associate with hypocrites, we always have room for one more!”

Sincerely,

C. L. “Skip” Lindeman, Minister

Upland Christian Church (Disciples of Christ)

Dear Lonely,

I can understand your loneliness with your husband passing away several years ago, not being close to your children, and no new friendships. And you are correct that your feelings affect your health. It seems like you could be in depression, which is understandable. You’ve been through a lot, with no close support.

You did not mention if you did grief counseling, which is so important and valuable when you lose someone. And you have not said if you have seen your doctor.

May I suggest that you do see a doctor for a physical? He could prescribe some medication for depression, just to get you started on the road to recovery until you are feeling better mentally. Or check the health stores for natural remedies. In the meantime, check out a local grief support groups to also help you deal with your grief. You’ll find that you are not alone in your feelings; it’s a safe place to share and meet others who have gone through what you are going through. You’ll find that you never get over your loss, but you learn that you can get through it. Look for a local women’s group to check out. Volunteer to help others. There are groups that welcome volunteers. Check out local churches until you find one that resonates with you.

Being with others is so important and healthy for your emotional and mental health. Statistics show that being part of a relatable group helps you live longer and happier.

Your imagination is also valuable. Imagine what your life would be like with friends around you, caring and loving you. See yourself socializing, going go events, perhaps having people over, volunteering and helping others, invite someone to join you to go shopping, to go to lunch, to go to an event. If that seems scary, start slow and take it a day, a moment at a time, until it becomes a healthy habit. Keep breathing through it all. A good breath can help you get over any nervousness or discomfort.

When you are with people, others that you connect to, you are with God. And God did not intend for us to be unhappy and lonely, but to enjoy life. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but within you is a source of life that is whole, peaceful, joyful, and loving and powerful. And you can find strength and comfort. Finding a spiritual connection through a church, a gathering of like-minded people can change your life. You will realize that you are really never alone, for God is right where you are, surrounding you in love. Allow yourself to feel that and to believe that. You might be surprised with what you can attract to yourself and into your life.

A day at a time, a smile shared with someone, an ‘I love mySelf’ and ‘I AM worthy of friendship and love’, can start a change in your life for the better. And you have the choice and the power to engage in that. I believe in you.

Sending love and blessings for all Life’s Goodness.

Laney Clevenger White, RScP Emeritus

Center for Spiritual Living – La Crescenta