QUESTION: This may sound crazy, but I doubt I’m the only one who has this problem. I’m self-employed in the tech business. I make my living purchasing and repairing computers for my clients. My problem is people call and ask me to give them free advice over the phone. The truth is, even when they explain what’s happening with their computer, without experiencing what the glitch is, I really can’t properly direct them. Most of the time I just tell them without seeing the computer there’s little I can do.

What I’d like to know is there someway I can establish a definite protocol that clients understand without me looking like the bad guy?

~ Frustrated Techie

Dear Frustrated Techie,

Your dilemma is a common one for professionals. Doctors and lawyers are the stereotypical examples of those who have to deflect queries for free advice at every social gathering. I think the first thing to do is consider what you’re willing to do and then have clear written policies you can refer your callers to. Your knowledge is your livelihood and worthy of compensation. What is key is to help those who want free advice to understand that’s not what you provide.

You could offer a free consultation for some set time, say half an hour, for potential clients to determine if they want to hire you. Additional support, whether in person or on the phone, should have a set price. There are online services that provide free computer advice and you can even suggest callers try some of them first prior to engaging your help for a fee.

One other possible suggestion is to offer to barter your computer expertise for whatever the caller can offer in return. It might take a lot of negotiation to determine the fair exchange. Would a plumber need to re-pipe your house or just unclog the sink to “purchase” your advice?

I hope you can find the right balance to keep your business profitable.

Sharon Weisman


sharon@jetcafe.org

Dear Frustrated Techie,

I feel your pain and so do the multiplicity of skilled people. Often our families, friends and complete strangers will seek advice, help or even expect us to assist in problems they would usually have to pay for.
So let me make a simple offer to you and all of the service providers – medical, legal, academic, technical or others – that end up being used and sometimes abused by those seeking free advice. Simply put, advise your would-be clients to make an appointment, schedule a checkup, or seek counsel from a professional. It truly is the only way to stop the misuse of your time and talents. At the end of the day or a long career you will be happier, wealthier and wiser for having the self-love to insist that you get paid for your time like every other profession.

Best of luck,

Rev Gordon Clay

gordonclaybailey@gmail.com

QUESTION: In my early 20s I became a Christian, and I’m okay with most of the teachings except one from the Ten Commandments which is “Honor your father and mother.” I have no problems honoring my mother but my father is another story.

He abused my mom, my little sister and me physically and emotionally. My mother finally divorced him when I was 11. She remarried and, to our good fortune, our stepfather treated us like his own.

We were forced to have visitations with my biological father. My sister and I dreaded those times because his behavior didn’t change except he didn’t harm us physically. I try to follow God’s word but I just can’t honor my father. My conscience is bothering me. Do I really have to honor him? I’ve forgiven him, but neither my sister nor I want anything to do with him.

~ Uncaring Son

Dear Uncaring Son,

You sound like the opposite of an uncaring son! I applaud you for writing this letter and for saying it like it is for you in your relationship with your dad. If you look up the definition of honor, the words respect, admire and esteem are listed. It’s easy to understand how a man who has treated you and your family so poorly hardly garners respect. Honor is something that is earned in a relationship, not automatically given. Honor is the reward for expressing qualities such as integrity, caring and mutual regard – virtues that your dad does not seem to have shown in the relationships with his family.

Walter Starke, the author of “It’s All God,” writes that when we are dealing with people who have treated us poorly and we just plain don’t like them for valid reasons, it’s helpful to use “double thinking,” that is to think at the level of Spirit (the “Above”) and at the level of the world that we live in (the “Below”). Honoring your father simply means honoring the God in him, the Spirit of him, not his bad behavior. Forgiving means letting go of the judgment you have made about him. You are forgiving the Spirit of the man, not condoning the action. In honoring someone you don’t have to like him/her or what he/she does, but you don’t have to dislike him/her either. That’s an important distinction. The moment you get into the disliking you are into a negativity that will cloud your thinking and actions and affect the way you live your life.

Shift your thinking as quickly as you can into love. Move from the mental justifications that you make in your mind for not accepting your dad and honor yourself by letting go of the negative thoughts. In doing so you will free your mind of the conflict of having to maintain a relationship that doesn’t support you. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with his bad behavior. The gift he has given you is that you now know what it takes to be a good man. Let him be who he is; but it’s equally as important that you be who you are – a person who respects himself by choosing to rise above the negativity, maintaining only those relationships that value who you are and releasing the ones that don’t.

In Light,

Rev. Mary Morgan

mormari@aol.com

Dear Uncaring Son,

First let me say that you are not alone. Many people, good Christian people, wrestle with this verse in the Bible and with its New Testament parallel in Ephesians 6. Sadly, some parents have done everything they can to make themselves dishonorable. A cry goes out from many honorable children of dishonorable parents who seek, in some way, to honor the fifth commandment. There are a lot of you.

Second, remember that the God who chose the dad you would have, both of them, is the same God that witnessed the abuse you endured. The Bible is clear that the guilty do not go unpunished. When a bad dad dishonors you, he dishonors the God who made you.

Think about this. Maybe one of the fastest ways to “get on God’s bad side” is by abusing the family he gave them. And how does God feel about this? It makes him angry. He is offended when you are abused. One way or another, there will be hell to pay.

Third, consider all the things that you haven’t done. You haven’t killed him. You haven’t put him in the hospital (so far as I know). You haven’t spent time and sustained effort exacting revenge. Some people do just that. You haven’t. In short, you have not done to him what he has done to you. And what makes you behave that way? Isn’t this honoring your dad? Not taking a baseball bat to the side of his head? But you haven’t. You also say you’ve forgiven him. Isn’t that honoring your dad? Forgiveness can be incredibly difficult. But you’ve done it! Isn’t that honoring your dad?

Maybe one last point. Every child, adult children included, long for the approval and affection of their parents. For that reason some well-meaning friends will always counsel patience, forbearance and reconciliation at all costs. Perhaps you’ve heard this advice. It’s miserable advice. Honor your father by staying away. He had his chance with you and showed himself to be without honor and unworthy of yours. And that dishonorable behavior continues. You can honor him by protecting yourself and not making yourself a target of dishonorable behavior. Pray for your dad. Pray for yourself. Pray for the grace to continue in this difficult situation in an honorable way.

Rev. Jon T. Karn

Light on the Corner
Church Montrose

pastorjon@lightonthecorner.org