Question: My question is does grief have a timeline? Should a person be over losing a dear one after six months or even a year?

My beloved husband of 55 years passed away over a year ago. We were high school sweethearts, went to the same college, married and raised a beautiful family. I am attending a grief group, but I just cannot get over the deep sadness I feel when I think of him.

I don’t burden others about my feelings, but I would like to know if there is a way to remember him in a happy way instead of a sad way.

~ Grieving Widow

Dear Grieving Widow,

My condolences on the death of your partner in life and love. Your sadness is perfectly normal and is a testament to the great love that you shared for, as the marriage ceremony and Scripture remind us, “You are no longer two, but one.”

You have not only lost a spouse, friend, lover and partner, but you have also lost a very part of yourself. As many of the Psalms remind us, we often “waste away” because of grief. The book of Lamentations and Job are filled with instances of struggling with grief and loss. Even Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus, moments before he called him into a resurrected life. Grief is real. And unfortunately, there is no “timeline” for how grief is worked out in our lives. 

I have known many through my life in ministry who, even decades after the death of a spouse, are brought to tears at the memory of their loved one. They were often embarrassed by those tears but I reminded them that each one of those tears that fell upon their cheek is a blessed memory of love and life.

The power of the resurrection becomes real when we realize that those who we have loved deeply are still with us today … in our memories, in our thoughts, in being reminded by a sight or smell, in the tears that leak from our eyes. 

Surround yourself with others who are walking this similar path and rejoice that as you gather to support one another you do so in light of the memories that have been created through a life well lived. As you remember and share those memories with those around you, you continue to share the blessing of your husband. He lives in each memory, in each tear, even at some point in the laughter that may erupt because of a memory of joy, and that I believe is a truly happy way to remember him.

Let the tears testify to your love,

Pastor Scott Peterson
pastor@lcifoothills.org

Dear Grieving Widow,

Grief has no timeline but its own, and even that isn’t an arrow going directly forward or a steady climb from “grieving” to “healed.” Grief is complicated and, honestly, it never completely goes away. I would be much more concerned – and honestly would assume you were lying – if you reported being completely fine so soon after such an important loss. It is normal and healthy to still be grieving.

I’m curious about what you say of not “burdening” others with your feelings and your desire to remember him in a happy way. You mentioned being in a grief group, but I wonder if you’ve been sharing your feelings with anyone else in your life. I wonder what it might be like for you to talk with your children or with friends who knew your husband about how you’ve been feeling. You might find that they, too, are still grieving and eventually your conversation might naturally turn towards sharing happy memories.

It can be really tempting to hide our feelings or to avoid “bringing others down” by sharing the reality of our grief and sadness, but taking the brave step of sharing with the people we love can be so transformative, not only of our grief but of our relationships.

Grieving – it is okay that you are still sad. It will be okay that you are still sad when the grief reappears (as grief is wont to do) throughout the rest of your life. It is okay to feel things, even things we wish we weren’t feeling. Sharing your feelings with the people you love has the potential to greatly relieve your burden; being in community where you are allowed to feel things and share memories can be world-changing. I hope you are able to take the brave step of sharing, and that your husband’s memory may be a blessing in your life.

Blessings,

Rev. KC Slack
revkc@uuverdugo.org

Question: I’m a Christian in a quandary. I recently was told about someone engaging in an illegal activity. I’m not certain whether to go to law enforcement or not. Now I understand the reason people living in gang-infested neighborhoods are afraid to speak up.

My challenge is this is my neighborhood and another neighbor told me. I don’t know how many people know about this, so telling could come back directly to me. I know there are phone numbers to call anonymously but, again, with perhaps only a few people knowing this could turn into a dangerous situation. Your guidance and prayers are welcome.

~ Afraid to Speak Up

Dear Christian in a Quandary,

I am sorry to hear that you find yourself in a position of uncertainty over what to do in light of what is happening in your neighborhood. Maybe part of the tension that you are experiencing comes from your Christian belief that, in following the example of our Good Shepherd Jesus Christ, we are expected to live a life in truth like he did. So, what does it mean to live a life in truth?

I don’t think it means to utter the whole truth at all times and to all. I think that to live a life in truth means to trust God and to rely on God. As Christians, we have made the decision to live following Jesus’ example of life, at the center of which was also his full and absolute trust in God. By following our Good Shepherd we have recognized that to live a full and purposeful life we must rely entirely on the grace of one who is infinitely greater and wiser than us. We have also learned that we must completely surrender our discernment and actions to the light and the will of God, having a sense of our own weakness and poverty and even our deficiencies. We have learned that we must consent to be led in plain and straight paths, and that makes it hard to live a life in truth. To live in truth is scary because we may fracture or even lose a relationship that we value because it may cause harm to our loved ones or us.

When talking about truth one of our moral compasses, the Scriptures, stress the right use of the tongue and condemns most strongly its misuse (James 3:6; Matthew 12:36f, NRSV). Therefore, one may think that when we don’t say the truth we may be harming ourselves by not using properly the gift of speech that God has granted us.

Although telling the truth is a great Christian principle to live by … there are truths better left unsaid; not to speak is not necessarily to sin against the truth. On occasion part of the truth may be better withheld, like when lives may be in danger. As a person devoted to the truth, you will have the sensitivity to discern when and how much of the truth to speak, and Jesus is there for you. Our Good Shepherd prayed for us to have the strength and wisdom to live a life in truth when he said to God “sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth.” (John 17:17) I pray that during this time of discernment you find the balance between telling all you know and not saying anything, because both ends of that tension rod seem to represent possibilities that you are having a hard time living with.

Rev. Antonio Gallardo
agallardo@stlukeslacrescenta.org

Dear Afraid to Speak Up,

I can understand your quandary. And … how would you feel if something bad happened to someone when it possibly could have been avoided if you had not reported it? Not that the results would have been on you for not reporting. But you might always wonder “if only I had done something.”

And do you know for sure something illegal is happening? Circumstances and appearances can be deceiving.

If your neighbor told you, then s/he is probably not the only one who knows. S/he can report it as well as you. And I believe those anonymous tip lines are just for that – to protect the safety of those who do speak up.

Ask yourself before you go to sleep at night “What is the right thing for me to do with this situation?” When you wake up in the morning, see what answer comes to you. Also, how does your body feel thinking about reporting or not reporting. In other words, follow your gut instinct.

In your prayer time, know that it is God talking as you claim that you are protected and guided by doing what is the right thing to do. When you come from a place of love in your heart and consciousness, you are always guided and protected in making the right choice.

So … listen to your heart and your body’s instincts; you will make the right decision.

Be at peace.

Many blessings,

Laney Clevenger, RScP Emeritus
laneycl@ca.rr.com